Made In Chelsea: Season 1 Episode 5 by sel

Last week saw totes expected revelations and the most inappropriate uses of an intern since Clinton was introduced to Lewinsky.

This week Francis Boulle CEO, Douchelord Spencer and, er, Hugo pretended to be men of the people and play pool. Francis is shit at pool too. He should just give up any sporting endeavours now. He does however seem to think he is a ladies’ man and proffers advice on the power of suggestion to Spencer and Hugo. It’s as awkward as you’d expect. Especially when he claims to have “been there” with both Millie and Rosie. We don’t know what “been there” is. Maybe it means “in the same room”.

Stirrer Rosie totes didn’t know that Hugo and Millie had some smooches at the art gallery so Caggie takes over stirring duties and tells her. Rosie’s Wide Eyes Of Doom threaten to pop from her head so she leaves in a fit of pique when Millie turns up. Caggie doesn’t know how you pull someone in an art gallery. I’d imagine it’s the same as anywhere else.

Funda is continuing her campaign of trying to act. Trying to act friendly with other people. So naturally she invites all his ex girlfriends and current lust interests out for drinks. Who wouldn’t do that? She bonds with Louise, Spencer’s ex, over being suspicious of Caggie before trying to work out if she’s an evil genius for agreeing to hang out with them. It’s all very awkward (are you sensing a theme here?) not least because Caggie is wearing bleached double denim. Then, oh look!, Spencer just happens to show up to add to the awkwardness.

Then even more awkwardness as Hugo and Francis chat to Millie and Rosie. Rosie has passed on her Stirrer baton to Francis this time which he takes with relish. Millie tells him he’s awkward.

“Model” Fredrik has a date with Francis’ intern Agne. He seems to think that commenting on what his date is wearing beyond “You look nice” is the way to go. It really isn’t. At least she made an effort, Turtle Neck Boy.

Ollie’s hanging out with Binky, who’s put on so much foundation and concealer that we cannot be sure she has lips anymore. Ollie’s decided that he wants to do modelling because… well, just because. It is the obvious career choice following a break up.

Francis Boulle CEO is looking at plastic crystals pretending that they’re diamonds. Agne asks if she can have one as a bonus. Francis intimates that she’s more likely to be fired for asking about money all the time. That’s what common people do, dahlink.

As an effort to further this modelling career, Ollie meets up with “Model” Fredrik. Fredrik is wearing a sodding turtle neck jumper AGAIN and a hairband. Hm. Fredrik offers to set him up with his “agent in New York”. Fredrik also tells him to lose the make up and the straighteners. Ollie frets that he’ll look like “a tired Brian May”. Quite frankly, that could be an improvement.

Hugo’s bleating to Caggie about how hard it is being a bounder. She’s rather unsympathetic. Then Spencer shows up. Why does he keep doing this? He’s whining about Louise telling Funda that he and Caggie kissed and he can’t explain why Funda would think the same apart from chemistry. Yeah, that’s it – ACTUAL SCIENCE. Douchelord.

Francis is going to his date with that girl he freaked out at the art gallery. He’s getting there on a skateboard. DUDE, GIVE IT UP. Of course, he falls off when he gets to the restaurant yet no one turns round to point and laugh. Those are some well trained extras. Rebecca is unimpressed by the skateboard and asks if he pulled off any sweet jumps. Francis misses the sledgehammer of sarcasm and bluffs that he did. He really should stop trying so hard.

Hugo meets up with Millie who lays it on the line that she’s desperate for a boyfriend. Nothing’s going to make a boy run away more and so Hugo picks Stirrer Rosie and her Wide Eyes Of Doom. Poor Millie. That’s what you get for acting like a desperate crazy mare, girls.

Binky and Cheshka are hanging out in a yoga studio listening to Needy Gabriella whine about Ollie. Cheshka complains that he’s escaped scot free and they’re left with her neediness.

Rosie is hanging out in Westminster Reference Library, as one does, waiting for Hugo to show up so they can have an awkward conversation about maybe possibly having a relationship and not compromising their friendship and OH DEAR GOD THE ANGST. And then Rosie blows Hugo out the water and tells him that she’s busy and can’t really commit and it’s not him it’s her and she totes likes him though yah?

Spencer and Funda are handily walking in different streets so Spencer calls her so they can have an argument about Funda not wanting to go out because she’s tired. She tells him to “pipe down”. He tells her she’s boring. Marvellous.

In this week’s amazingly expected revelation, Binky doesn’t use a hair brush. With that out the way, Needy Gabriella calls her to see if she wants to go out. Binky lies about seeing an old friend when she’s hanging out with Ollie then lies to Ollie about it being Needy Gabriella on the phone. Blah.

Spencer and Hugo decide to get out of London for the weekend. Which includes kidnapping Caggie to Cannes as a surprise birthday present. And taking Millie. Millie is busy crying to Caggie about Hugo being a bounder. You can bet your life she’ll go to Cannes though. And as if someone like Caggie wouldn’t have organised something for her birthday. Hugo thinks that Spencer is disassociating Funda from fun. Surely that’d mean she’d just be called ‘Da’? BADUMTISH.

Of course Spencer goes home to break up with her. And of course she thinks it’s to do with Caggie. Does he look regretful? Of course. He’s read the future scripts that mean he’s in for some ear bashing from disgruntled posh girls. It’s hard being a douchelord.

Next week: Cannes! Yachts! Bikinis! Showdowns!

Comments

1. Ant says:

   June 14, 2011 at 9:33 pm

   You missed the fact that in this episode Francis produces a huge spoon and decides to stir that sh*t up between Hugo and the girls.. Quality!!
   Rebecca is still hot.. More of her please!!!

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