The Mail love Pippa’s arse, but not its owner by shoutingatco.ws

I don’t know about you, but I was born with an arse. Two cheeks and a hole, nothing special. You might have seen one. Other people with arses include Stephen Fry, Thora Hird and Jordan. Since the Royal Wedding, you can add Pippa Middleton to that list.

At the wedding, Pippa wore what the press now irritatingly refer to as “that dress”, which was indeed tight around her arse. Hilariously, she’s been blessed with the weak punning title “Her Royal Hotness”, despite being about as royal as you are, and has been subjected to a constant stream of articles about how phwoar she is. Because it’s the 1970s.

The Mail are inexplicably proud of the Royal Hotness nickname, and can’t help but mention it at the slightest sodding opportunity:

• Pippa goes global: The very lucrative rise and rise of Her Royal Hotness (and that unforgettable derriere)
• Watch out, Pippa! Beautiful Bea is the new Royal Hotness: Princess sizzles at Monaco Grand Prix
• Now Paris gets a taste of Her Royal Hotness: Pippa pops over the Channel to watch the French Open
• Her Roll Hotness: Party-loving Pippa Middleton designs her own very special wedding dress… out of toilet paper (that one has a little extra pun for you)
• Her Royal Hotness: How Kate’s foxy sister Pippa stole the show (leaving naughty Uncle Gary to languish in the shadows)
• Her Royal Hotness will be next to wed… as long as she doesn’t run off with Flirty Harry first!
• We’re sure we haven’t seen the back of Pippa… Her Royal Hotness heads home

These are all in the last six weeks. Even we couldn’t run a joke into the ground that quickly.

It’s incredible that the Mail can say things like “Her perfect derriere has become the most talked about in the world” with a straight face. They’ve made her arse inspirational; “P-Middy will give you a bottom like Pippa Middleton’s“; “Show a little cheek: How to get a posterior as pert as Pippa’s – without going to the gym or under the knife…“; “‘No carbs is her mantra’: It takes more than Pilates to get Pippa’s figure“. (Incidentally, you may have noticed that they’ve tried shortening her name to P-Middy, which only serves to make them look like arseholes.)

They’re happy to dig through the photo archives and spend actual money on tat like “Perfect Pippa and the Prince of Belly Flops: William larks around on a boat in Ibiza with Kate and the Middleton clan in never-before-seen pictures“, just to show off That Arse.

But while she may be lauded for having an arse, the Mail can’t let go of that awful pre-wedding thread, which reckoned that the Middletons aren’t good enough for the Royals. So we’re still treated to wonderful weaseling like Amanda Platell’s “effort”:

After attending the French Open as a VIP guest of Peugeot, there is much consternation that Pippa Middleton is milking her newly acquired royal connections.

I suspect this isn’t about making big bucks for corporations, it’s about bagging a millionaire, like her big sister.

I can’t imagine the owner of Britain’s most famous behind will settle for less than a fortune and a title.

Much consternation, eh? Or, er, none. Because nobody really cares. That’s never stopped the Mail before, though. In yet another article about a woman going to watch tennis, they say:

The six-day trip saw Kate’s little (and some would say wildly more ambitious) sister arrive on Eurostar in Paris on Thursday for a few days’ sightseeing, with everything done in the best possible taste.

It will, however, raise questions about whether it is wise for her to be seen ‘cashing in’ on her sister’s new found celebrity.

But will it raise questions? Will it really? Are people really sitting around debating whether or not it’s a good idea? Of course they’re sodding not. It’s a device to throw doubt out there, to continue the cycle of bigging her up for having An Arse, and then putting her down for trying to be a person.

Even professional gobshite Stephen Glover can’t resist a dig about the scummy Middletons: “The royal couple have made a glorious start but Freebie Pippa and her family have potential to embarrass the monarchy“. His justification?

Her sister Pippa, however, may be a different kettle of fish. Having excited half the nation’s men and affronted some of its matrons by wearing a tight-fitting bridesmaid’s dress designed to show off her rear to maximum effect, she has been living it up in Paris as a guest of Xavier Peugeot, marketing director of the eponymous car manufacturer.

Oh. We already knew that, and didn’t care then.

Look, though. Here she is.

Look at her... in France... cashing in. The bitch.

You could also take the article headed “Say ciao to The Pipparettes: Rich, privileged and loyal… the best friends of Pippa Middleton“, which opens with “Rich, privileged and fiercely loyal, they have been dubbed the Pipparettes – the closest friends and confidantes of Pippa Middleton“.

A quick Google of the word Pipparettes reveals, er, lots of duplicates of that article. In other words, they’re talking shit.

Despite this continual stream of garbage – which also includes unnecessary gossip like “Embarrassment for Pippa Middleton days after Royal Wedding as U.S. websites print private underwear pictures ” – they have a real problem with anyone else doing the same:

With his shirt off and a cigarette in his hand as he poses with a woman stripped to her underwear, he looks like a typical boorish and debauched modern-day reveller.

But Lee Buller is a senior manager at the Duchess of Cambridge’s family firm, Party Pieces.

And the 25-year-old has made a series of louche and embarrassing comments on the social networking website Twitter as part of a blow-by-blow account of his time at the company owned by Carole Middleton and her husband Michael.

I for one am outraged by whatever he said. Which, as it turns out, is this:

Oh. Er. That’d be exactly the same as the Mail have been calling her. Hypocrites and bastards, the lot of them. Again.

Comments

1. Caroline says:

   June 7, 2011 at 11:20 am

   The fucking Mail. The proof for Pippa’s apparent ‘wild ambition’? Oh wait, there is none…But it does give them an excuse to write more stories about her and her family!
2. Pippa Fan says:

   June 7, 2011 at 1:24 pm

   Makes me laugh all this hoo har about the Paris trip being a freebie. Peugeot didn’t even offer the VIP ticket to Pippa – the friend she went with was the VIP… the friend invited her along. When Mr Peugeot spotted Pippa he offered her the free book. What should she say… “no thank you for the book, I don’t want to cash in on my sister’s fame” ?

   Why should she turn that invite down when (as we know) she is a big fan of tennis?

   I hate how the press one moment are happy to praise her and exploit her ‘assets’, and the next they turn on her for “accepting freebies” just to have something to say… Without the “OMG FREEBIE” angle, they wouldn’t have another Pippa article to publish that day. Unless they write something along the lines of “Pippa in black and white dress shocker…”

   Grrr.

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