The Week on the Telly by Hannah

This week I watched…

Diagnosis Live at the Clinic, C4

I never understood the appeal of Embarrassing Bodies, a show whose cases primarily seem to be comprised of intimate rashes. If you’re embarrassed to get your spotty vagina out for your no nonsense fifty-two year old male GP, why expose it to the nation? Your GP will probably be watching the show anyway, and I don’t see why I should accidentally have to see ‘down there’ while eating my tea.

Now Embarrassing Bodies is harnessing the power of SKYPE, and going LIVE. That’s right; as long as you have a web cam you too can book an appointment with Dr. Christian and his oddly arranged hairline. The show kicks off with a man concerned about the largeness of his nipples. Dr. Dawn reveals that Dr. Christian has big ones too, and it’s nothing to worry about.

‘That’s right’, crows Dr. Christian, ‘I’m very nippley.’

I’m glad my GP doesn’t take this approach.

Dr Pixie is out on the street, where a woman is eager to talk about her infected coil, and show the resulting hideous scars. The only option, as most people would probably have guessed, is surgery. Unfortunately Dr. Pixie is unable to perform this LIVE in the street.

So far, not enough penises, so Dr. Christian takes one for the team and heads off to swab a group of rugby men for Chlamydia. I feel blasé about the whole idea of Chlamydia, everyone knows about it by now. Surely Dr. Christian should have discovered a new, more deadly STI by now, after all his work in the field.

The programme is almost safely over before we get our second offering of a penis, courtesy of a man worried about being covered in white patches. The Drs quickly diagnose him after a cursory look at his blotchy back over a bad internet connection.

Man- ‘But the worst patches are on my penis, and it’s off putting for new partners’

Dr. Dawn- ‘Ok, Cool.’

There is an awkward moment, as he isn’t invited to share the off putting penis, and then it’s seamlessly on to the last patient.

I am overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all. Most of the cases shown, such as a boy with curvature of the spine and a woman with epic bunions, have already been diagnosed, and the patients know they need surgery. What did they expect from Live at the Clinic? Sure, Dr. Christian is ripped, and he used to have great hair, but he doesn’t know magic. He’s just one GP; he can’t cure everyone in Britain who’s too lazy leave the house via the internet. I think maybe Channel 4 should stop making him try.

I also watched…

The Hotel Inspector, C5

No one could ever accuse Channel 5 of not letting a tired old format drag on and on, until it becomes a series of dusty shots of a woman pointing angrily at light fittings. Series 7 (yes, really) of The Hotel Inspector continued this week with a trip to Rugby to meet hotel owner Bal, a man with such an inflated idea of his own entrepreneurial skills that we should expect to see him on The Apprentice 2012, boasting about his leisure empire. As Alex Polizzi, member of famous hotel dynasty, berated him on his lack of sales skills, he probably felt like he was already there.

Four Rooms, C4

I can almost picture the production meeting for this-
‘How can we take The Antiques Roadshow and make it tense?’
‘We need walls! Stark, white walls. And experts who wear scarves.’
The resulting boxing up art dealers in rooms and getting them to bid on the odd things people own (original hangman’s noose anyone?) was quite tense, mainly because it involved money. Two men turned down £240,000 for a crumbling wall scribbled on by Banksy. I think I was shouting at the TV at that point.

Next week I will be watching…. New Look Style the Nation, T4

Leave a Reply