Made In Chelsea: Season 1 Episode 2 by sel

So last week we met lots of posh people with horse mane hair and ridiculous names. Thankfully for us they’re still being posh and ridiculous. LOVE.

Anyway, remember Bitchface Amber and her friend, slightly ugly stirrer Bitchface Rosie? Well, they’re out and about in Notting Hill, natch, shopping for outfits for Rosie’s dinner party. Well, a party that Rosie is hosting where a team of minions will provide the actual dinner. Hugo, Millie and Caggie are handily hanging out at Hugo’s “office” to confirm their attendance, along with douchelord Spencer and his girlfriend, Funda. Millie Googles Funda to find out what she looks like. The verdict is cleavage-y, which is Posh for skanky ho.

At the party, Hugo is busy stalking Amber again and hassling her to go out for dinner. The continuity people totes forgot they’d arranged to go out for a drink. Anyway, Amber suggests lunch, but Hugo dismisses this idea as it is in “The Friend Zone” and insists on dinner. Amber insists on bringing Rosie. Hugo should learn to give it up.

In a LITERALLY AMAZING twist of fate, Caggie is running late and manages to arrive at the exact same time as Spencer and Funda. Caggie politely asks what they did the previous night which results in Funda spraying the hall in piss to mark her territory. Oh no, wait, this isn’t Essex. Instead, she crudely infers that she and Spencer stayed up late doing SEXUAL THINGS in order to make it clear that he is her man.

This naturally results in dinner being awkward for the three of them. Francis aims to swoop in and soothe Caggie’s affections but Millie takes it upon herself to tell him that Caggie doesn’t fancy him. She obviously found out he can’t row.

Francis is still having his portrait done when Agne arrives for an interview for an intern job. Poor Agne has trouble remembering her lines so the painter has kindly painted them over Francis’ portrait for her. Wait, what? Oh.

Caggie goes round to see Hugo to whine about Spencer and shows him the needy, douchey texts that Spence sent. Hugo very wisely tells her to get rid of him and move on.

So, remember Ollie with his make-up and his hair and his fake tan? And Gabriella and her needy desperation? Well, she’s taking him skiing for his birthday for some alone time. Naturally, he’s invited Binky and Cheshka but doesn’t tell Gabriella. It’s while they’re hanging out in a hot tub with Gabriella whining about how Ollie doesn’t treat her as his girlfriend and that she’s totes in love with him and she’s scared of skiing that they burst in much to Gabriella’s dismay. Ollie looks like he’s been saved from a fate worse than running out fake tan.

According to the onscreen caption, Caggie is having a secret rendezvous with Spencer on the South Bank at Waterloo. Except they’re opposite Westminster which is definitely not Waterloo. But they are having a showdown which could be a Waterloo for their relationship. METAPHORICAL. Well, Spencer tells Caggie she’s his ideal girl and she tells him she doesn’t want to see him. Oh Spencer, you were defeated but no one has won this war yet.

Back in Chamonix, naturellement darling, Ollie is musing over whether you can get a tan through fake tan. He truly is the thinker of our times. He doesn’t understand why Gabriella has come skiing if she doesn’t want to go skiing so he flounces off with Binky whilst Gabriella whines to Cheshka about how selfish he is and how in love with him she is. Cheshka maintains a look which can only be described as screaming “He’s not into you!”

Francis, or rather Francis Boulle CEO as his prominent name plate tells us, is trying not to stare at Agne’s tits when Amber saunters in, casually dismissing Agne with a flash of Bitchface, to discuss Hugo. Francis, hoping that Amber hasn’t found out he can’t row, tells her she’s out of Hugo’s league. Amber seems to be coming round to Hugo’s stalking by quaintly referring to it as persistence. That’s the difference between prole and posh, see?

Fredrik the ‘model’ has come back early from Damascus for his date with Millie. Apparently he’s planned an entrance. His entrance consists of appearing to be late but in fact to be playing the piano handily placed right by the table booked for him and Millie. He flicks his hair about and looks rather impressed with himself before insulting Millie’s dress. Luckily for him, Millie’s a classy lady who doesn’t put out until the seventh date.

Back on the slopes and Binky puts that private education to good use to try and order some drinks. But what’s this? Her ex boyfriend just happens to be at the same mountainside bar as her?! OH MY GOD! Cheshka is not happy as Binky is totes not over him. So not over him that she skis off with him at the soonest opportunity before bringing him back for dinner. Poor Binky’s ex. Cheshka and Ollie tell him he’s vile for making her cry and that he best not do it again, yah?

Hugo invites Caggie out for a drink in order to set her up with a “property developer” called CJ. But this just so happens to be at a bar where Spencer likes to go for a drink when he’s had a hard day at “work”. Yet more awkwardness unfolds as Hugo tells Spencer that he was setting her up with other people. Spencer complains that Hugo just doesn’t understand the angst he’s going through so he leaves like a spoilt petulant child. Lordy, who knew being posh could be so traumatic?

Next week: Shooting! Tweed! Hunter wellies!

Comments

1. Zoey says:

   May 20, 2011 at 7:22 pm

   I dreamed a dream. Of bringing giant cheska hair to the streets of brixton. And that is all.
2. Robbaddoo says:

   May 22, 2011 at 12:45 am

   I’m totes loving this show, wish I’d paid more attention during ‘precious stones’ class so I too could be a CEO and chase Cags!

Leave a Reply