Britain’s Got Talent 2011: Episode 5 by Hannah

It’s Saturday night, it’s 8pm, and I’m the only person in the country watching Britain’s Got Talent, the show abandoned by Simon Cowell as soon as he realised that children and dogs weren’t going to make him any money.

You know what else isn’t going to make anyone any money? A man who can fit 20 bricks in a hod. Nobody else in the world can do what John does. He is diabetic and only has one eye, he proudly tells Amanda while leering at her. The Hoff looks visibly excited, and then confused, as John proceeds to balance a pile of yellow buckets on his head, while beating on his stomach. There is no sign of any bricks. Unfortunately it’s a no. Then comes some limp, scripted banter between the Hoff and Michael, It’s not exactly Simon and Louis. Sigh.

We’re in Liverpool! Ant and Dec promise us a roller skating Grandad, and some kind of dog. Of course. 32 year old Lorna walks on stage, ominously clutching a cardigan around herself, and looking a lot like Britney. She has spent the last ten years impersonating Britney, however, I’m pretty sure Britney was never a lap dancer. Also, Britney can sing. The Hoff seems to enjoy himself as Lorna writhes on the judges table, dressed only in rhinestones and a thong. Michael looks like a teenage boy who accidently saw his neighbour sunbathing topless, and is upset that Lorna doesn’t lavish any attention on him. He spitefully votes no, as do Amanda and the Hoff. Which is a shame, as I think Harry would really have enjoyed that performance at the Royal Variety.

Following straight on is 24 year old Jai, who is a support worker who looks after disabled children. Jai has a DREAM, and like most people in the country, it’s a singing dream. As the production team bother to interview him over the opening bars of that Keane song, he may just be the next Susan Boyle. The audience waits with baited breath. He nails it, he’s through. It was pretty dull though. Bring on the dogs! And weren’t we promised a roller skating Grandad?

I think they’re in Birmingham now. Next up, the Circus of Horrors, one big family of freaks. This is more like it. This is definitely the thing for the queen, I think, as a man limbos under a flaming stick, and a woman is suspended from the ceiling by her hair. The childish wonder on the faces of Ant and Dec betrays a childhood where filming Byker Grove left no time for the circus. ‘Now THAT’S entertainment,’ booms the Hoff, and they’re through. They are followed by another acrobatic troupe, which involved a lot more spinning with sheets and dancing around. No fire or sword eating, but they still get through .Next up is a synchronised trolley dance. Apparently, people often feel quite moved when they see it. Michael is not one of them. Luckily, the Hoff and Amanda are, so they get through.

The Hoff is having the time of his life tonight, with another odd striptease act, a woman introduced as a Filipino machine operator, who is sorry her Mum can’t be there to see her dance around in a see-through vest and dress up as a sexy air stewardess for the pleasure of David Hasselhoff, something that I think my Mum would view as a catastrophic failure. Michael thinks there’s room in the competition for her, and the Hoff wants to see what she comes up with next. Of course he does. A dance trio next. BGT loves a dance trio. This one is called Two and a half men, as one of the men is quite small. They dance around and everyone loves it. Finally, an act suitable for the Queen’s eyes- they get through.

‘He’s got sick all down his face, on his t shirt, and it’s on my hand’. laments Ant or Dec, as a montage reveals what they go through backstage, dealing with the public. A man stabs his hand open as he attempts to stick an apple on a spike, and Ant and Dec have to administer first aid. There is no explanation given as to why this occurred.

Finally, it’s Glasgow. The audience freak out over the Highwaymen, who are Royal Marine drummers. They’re good at drumming, I suppose, but I can’t help feeling sorry for Queen. Doesn’t she have to watch enough drumming? Wouldn’t she prefer a man stabbing an apple on a stick? Michael and Amanda found it boring, and are booed by the crowd because one of the drummers has served in Afghanistan. They don’t vote them through, and barely avoid a lynching. As the audience scream for the judges’ blood, Amanda declares them ‘the fourth judge’, and withdraws the ‘No’s. This would never have happened when Simon was here. The audience respected Simon.

And that’s it for another week. I never did get to see the roller skating Granddad.

Leave a Reply