The Week on the Telly by Hannah
The Hotel, Series 1, Episode 4, C4
A feeling of hopelessness permeates Channel 4’s latest fly on the wall offering, following the daily lives of staff and guests at the Damson Dene hotel in the Lake District. Manager Wayne, who lives in a caravan at the bottom of the hotel grounds, wearily exploits drunken kitchen porter, Kuba. Everyone loves to hate Kuba, who should shape up and work harder for his £200 a week. The gripping tale of Kuba’s hangover (will he be sacked for being drunk at work AGAIN?) is deftly woven with the stories of two couples staying in the hotel. Richard and Rebecca are spending the first night without their children for 14 months. They drink staggering amounts of alcohol, and Richard pisses on himself. As I watch Richard drunkenly wander the corridors of the hotel in his soiled jogging bottoms, and Rebecca clawing at pictures of their children, weeping over his inability to put the toilet seat up, I find myself plunging into a deep depression. Oh, how we squander the precious gift of life.
My existential horror is effectively summed up by Kuba. ‘As a small boy I wanted to be a fireman or a police man,’ he says, ‘later all that quickly changed.’ The camera cuts to footage of him stumbling drunk around the hotel grounds, clutching three cans. ‘There are moments when I think ‘what am I doing here?’ I’ve been here two and a half years.’
I want to cry.
My mood is barely lifted by Simon, and his Brazilian girlfriend Vanusa. Simon is hoping that a two-week tour of the UK, beginning with a night in the Damson Dene and taking in Blackpool and Southport, will persuade Vanusa to leave Brazil and live here. They lie outside, looking at the stars, and stare into each other’s eyes over dinner. Richard and Rebecca were like this once. Possibly.
The episode ends with the joyful news of Richard and Rebecca’s wedding. Apparently, their night at the Damson Dene brought them closer together. As I’m guessing neither of them can remember it, let’s see if they feel the same when they watch the programme. I struggle to see how seeing footage of yourself crying in the toilet, while your now-husband hammers drunkenly on the door shouting ‘I love you to death, you bastard’, can do anything other than convince you that you’ve made terrible, terrible mistake.
Simon and Vanusa also have cause to celebrate. Simon proposed a week after their stay in Cumbria, and now Vanusa is pregnant. Well, that’s one way to make her stay in the country.
I also watched…
Vacation, Vacation, Vacation C4
I just returned from Iceland, so I was keen to watch this and have my precious holiday memories tarnished forever by Kirsty’s braying voice and Phil’s overly earnest face. Happily, some places are just too beautiful to be spoilt, even by Kirsty, rapidly progressing into stolid middle-age before our very eyes, pretending that she doesn’t want to sleep with Phil. They also go to the Atlas Mountains in Morocco, and pay £50 to ride down a filthy river in a rubber ring, which just reinforces my belief that tourists will spend anything if you tell them it’s an ‘experience’.
Dr Who, Curse of the Black Spot, BBC1
Dr Who is slowly becoming a slightly wonky, British version of Lost. Who is that woman in the metal eye patch? What is the deal with River Song? Why is the Tardis’ pregnancy scanner so unreliable? Who shoots the Doctor? Will he really die? Sometimes I think we will never really receive satisfactory answers to these questions, but don’t worry, in the meantime, here’s some pirate fun with Hugh Bonneville. Pirates are always awesome, even though I still find it hard to look at Matt Smith, without imagining David Tennant doing the same acting, only with better hair. So much better….
Next week I will mainly be watching….. Young, Rich and House Hunting on BBC 3.
The Cows team have also been watching Don’t Scare the Hare, Britain’s Got Talent, Made in Chelsea and The Apprentice (twice!)
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Another hilarious piece! Already looking forward to the next.
Lee