Made In Chelsea: Season 1 Episode 1 by sel

Do you know what there’s not enough of on TV at the moment? Fabricated reality shows. I can hear you screeching about The Only Way Is Essex and Jersey Shore but please, we all know that the undisputed leader of this genre we never knew we wanted is The Hills – pretty, rich people larking about in pretty, rich locations. You don’t get that in Essex or New Jersey.

You do get it in Chelsea, though, which is handy as E4 decided that’s where they’d base their foray into this maelstrom of mediocrity. Apparently we may have heard of Chelsea as being full of royals and playboys and being an exclusive world. Errr…. it’s not that exclusive, I’ve been there. Anyway, apparently they have it all which makes it difficult to make decisions. WOE IS THEM.

Our Lauren Conrad substitute is Caggie Dunlop. She goes to parties and has that rich girl horse mane of swept over, highlighted hair. They all do. Apart from the slightly ugly ones. She hangs out with a girl called Milly who looks exactly the same as her. They have nice teeth.

Because it so wants to be The Hills, there’s even a douchelord called Spencer. Or it may just be that everyone called Spencer is a douchelord. He has a ridiculous facial hair arrangement and stupid slicked back hair and reckons it’s inevitable he’ll hook up with Caggie. He hangs out with a boy called Hugo. Do keep up, yah?

Anyway, there’s also a boy called Francis who well fancies Caggie and he hangs out with a boy called Fredrik who has ridiculous long hair and is allegedly a model. Anyway, they’re all at a party for someone called Amber who’s launching her own jewellery business. She’s 19 and has total bitchface. She hangs out with someone called Rosie. You know Rosie is going to be the bitchy stirrer as she’s the slightly ugly one.

And yah so someone called Cheshka and her hanger-on Binky turn up to cover it for some made up magazine thing. Apparently, they’re totally Chelsea and so not what Amber’s aiming for, yah?

Cheshka “interviews” some posh boy called Mark, or more likely Marc, who claims that Topshop is a turn off and high street fashion is not allowed under any circumstances. He BRAYS like a pro. He would be destroyed if he ever left SW3.

Anyway, Hugo well fancies Amber and added her on Facebook but she like totes hasn’t accepted his friend request. Amber doesn’t do Facebook because it’s a bit stalky. That’s because people like Hugo stalk people like her. He asks her out for a drink though and she says yah.

Spencer is trying to be a player and smarms all over Caggie who keeps wittering about his girlfriend. Oh yah, of course Spencer has a girlfriend. Who he lives with. Caggie totes did not know this, yah? Of course she has to dissect this information with Milly the next day over drinks. Milly predicts that the whole thing isn’t going to end well. It’s almost as if she’s seen into the future somehow….

Francis and Fredrik go rowing to discuss Francis asking Caggie out. Except it’s clear Francis has never rowed in his life and they fall in the water. What kind of posh boy can’t row? She’ll never go out with him now.

Spencer goes to see Hugo and declares that he wouldn’t sleep with anyone except his girlfriend AT THE MOMENT. Douche. Hugo is still pining over Amber not accepting his friend request.

Have I told you about Ollie yet? He’s friends with Cheshka and Binky and a glorified velvet rope attendant. He also has a horse mane of hair and smooshes fake tan on his face like it’s moisturiser. They’ve all gone to Mummy’s place in the country and think Charles Dickens wrote Winnie The Pooh and Pride and Prejudice. They’ve all been privately educated. Money well spent, no?

Caggie’s an aspiring singer. But of course. She has a gig and calls Spencer to see if he’s going to go. He’s busy at home, badly lying to his girlfriend Funda (yeah you read that right. FUNDA. She’s a La away from being a guest on Maury) that he can’t hang out with her because there’s A THING he has to do. There is ANGST as Caggie looks in a mirror and Spencer looks at the floor in their respective places.

Oh but wait, there’s a TWIST. Ollie is going on a date with a GIRL. His opening gambit is that he’s worried. His hair used to be exceptional and now it is not. And he has TERRIBLE skin. He’s on a date with a girl. The girl, Gabriella, wants to go home and have sex. Ollie wants to go out and party. He’s on a date with a girl. She basically begs for affection and is a bit desperate and badgers her to know how she feels about him. He brays on about how exceptional her eyelashes are.

Spencer smarms about at the gig before taking Caggie out for dinner. What a heartless cow – Francis bought her a flower and she left it behind. To be fair, she also left some gin so she’s clearly not all that bright. Never leave a gin and tonic behind. Unfortunately for Spencer, Funda suspects he’s a smarmy douche and demands to meet the harlot trying to steal her man nicely setting up some DRAMZ for next week.

Next week, skiing, dinner, big hair. Cannot freaking wait.

Comments

1. Zoey says:

   May 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

   Amber + Francis. Gettin it awn. By episode 3. I’m calling it here and now. And I didn’t even watch the show. Finally, “he brays like a pro”, Sue Barker (ie. poshest popular celebrity I could think of) couldn’t have put it better.

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