TV’s cookery and cleavage expert, Nigella Lawson, has gone on holiday to Australia. Exciting times we live in, eh?
In the past, she’s been lucky enough to receive more Daily Mail headlines than a coachload of Muslims lowering house prices and causing cancer near the Queen. She’s enjoyed coverage like “Is Nigella Lawson letting sartorial standards slip?”, “Bored with cooking Nigella? Ms Lawson eats at Scott’s for the sixth time in a fortnight” and “Puffy-eyed Nigella Lawson looks a little short of beauty sleep.”
So you might imagine that she’d be fucking thrilled when she wanders down to the beach on day one, and sees a prick with a telephoto lens craning for a zoomed shot of her arse.
“Journalist” Claudia Connell proceeds to spell out for us exactly where Nigella has gone wrong.
Under the headline “Nigella’s big burkini blunder: She looked utterly daft – but was the Domestic Goddess hiding her skin or more than ample curves?”, she thunders out:
Amusement because she looked pretty daft, but sneaky admiration because I applaud anybody who can find a bathing costume that hides everything from a double chin and dimpled knees to chunky calves and bingo wings. The hooded top even made her face look thinner, for heaven’s sake!
She might not be talking about Nigella specifically – she uses that hideous thing of talking about two things next to each other without explicitly connecting them. Let the readers join the dots. Nigella is wearing that outfit because she’s a big fat hideous disgusting mess that has to hide her horrific gut. Because if she didn’t cover up, if she had wandered out in a bikini, you could bet anything you like that the Mail’s headline would be even more cruel.
That cartoon accompanied Day 2 of her holiday, now wittily headlined:
“Day 2 of Nigella’s big burkini blunder: Domestic Goddess is back on the beach in a slightly less conservative number”
This makes her look “frumpy”, but is still nothing more than a series of photographs of a 51 year old woman walking down the street, talking on her phone, and laying on the beach.
Hopefully though, the Mail will have had enough now. They’ve got their “hahaha, she isn’t perfect” headline:
“Ouch, those look painful: Nigella Lawson shows off her bunions Down Under”
Honestly. That’s the actual headline. Someone wrote those words down without any sense of shame or irony, and other people buy the paper with those words in. It’s kind of disheartening, really.
That’s the money shot, for you. A close up of a middle-aged lady’s feet, taken while following her on holiday.
In the Mail’s own words:
“The MailOnline has scooped the award for Digital Innovation at the prestigious British Press Awards.”
Digital Innovation, folks. Makes you proud.