Saturday night TV has long been lacking in proper celebrity humiliation and torment. Unfortunately, Sing If You Can, a new show presented by Keith Lemon and Stacey Solomon (Google ‘x factor dippy cow’) where two teams of celebs are pitted against each other to try and sing songs with huge distractions. A panel of Dave Gorman (dude, really), Colleen Nolan and Shaun Ryder then decide if the celeb in question has done any good. The best team then gets the chance to win money.

 

The first episode’s teams include someone who didn’t win Pop Idol, someone who isn’t the good one in Pineapple Dance Studios, the tiny one out of G4, and I’ve forgotten the others which is worrying as I’m typing whilst watching the show. So, essentially, the show falls at the first hurdle by lacking in any real celebrities.

The games start off with knife throwing boards and for a moment I thought that this might be worthwhile. Alas, no actual knives were thrown and I felt let down. From this point on we are ‘treated’ to a selection of trials ranging from mild gunging and balloon popping to snakes to vibrating floors. They really pulled out all the stops. By that I mean the distractions were a pile of shit. Send my granddad in with a shotgun, that’s a distraction I’d be interested in.

During the third celebrity trial where G4′s Jonathan Ansell sings Ave Maria whilst being threatened by popping balloons, Davenport Gorman seems to have a horrid realisation that he is in the studio, exclaiming “what the hell is going on?”. Fucking tell me about it, Dave.

The final showdown involves a giant turntable and the winning team. The better the team sings, the more they spin. The more they spin, the more they win. Aside from the fact that the losing team is no longer on the screen, it’s hard to work out why they won in the first place seeing as scoring was never involved and the system for choosing winning teams from previous rounds seemed completely erratic.

Keith Lemon is his usual self throughout, attempting to hold the show together whilst looking as completely confused by all the goings-on as every other person witnessing this. He replaced Vernon Kay who was the original presenter for the show. Vernon left the show because he thought the show was ‘too daft’. Stacey chimes in every now and again promoting a charity cause, Teenage Cancer Trust, asking people to donate and help. Aside from these moments of sincerity from a woman who looks dead behind the eyes, it’s fairly easy to forget that the show is about teams trying to win money for charity seeing as those who watch it or indeed, those who are on the show are completely bemused by the whole affair.

Half of the time I had to take a second look to make sure I was watching ITV and not it’s lame sister channel ITV2. This kind of shit belongs in the second page of your TV listings, not mixed up in the main channel list, forcing it onto every TV in the country regardless of Freeview or analog. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that ITV are trying to brainwash the entire country using this shoddy Saturday evening game show, but for what reason, I don’t know.

 

There was one positive from the show. The winning team of Bridget Nielsen, Jodie Prenger and Brendan Cole win over £19000 for the charity, which is an admirable amount for a game-show so you do get to a point where it seems worth it. Until you rethink what’s happened and become mystified all over again.

I stand on the fence with this show. It tries to be hilarious but hovers over very mild amusement, but it’s for a good cause and it will be interesting to see how much they raise over the next few shows. Stacey and Lemon have a rapport that is reminiscent of a relationship where the fizzle has gone but the awkward once-a-month sex still happens. However you can’t help but like either of them.

I can’t say it’s good, and I can’t say it’s bad. But like all good car crashes you want to keep watching to find out what happens.

Teenage Cancer Trust aims to ensure that every young person with cancer and their family receive the best possible care: www.teenagecancertrust.org

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