Will Mellor’s BBC Three career contains an inexplicable run of 73 episodes of mirthless sit-com Two Pints of Lager. In fact, there’s more laughs in the Splodgenessabounds song “Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps” than in the entire run of the show.

With BBC Three’s YOOF oriented remit, there’s always room for Mellor. He still resembles his 18 year old self – think Jambo from Hollyoaks, only with less shit hair. And now he’s been given his own vehicle (tee hee) in White Van Man.

When envisioning a White Van Man, it’s never a pleasant set-up, is it? It’s a middle aged builder, with ill-thought out tattoos, an opinion on everything (especially football and immigrants), and a copy of the Sun nested under a handful of fag packets on the dashboard. And – worst of all – they don’t indicate.

So Mellor has been sent in to somehow turn this stereotype of a over-weight and under-thinking vehicle yobbo into a lovable rogue. Will he manage it? No, probably not. But let’s watch on.

From the off, the laughs come thin and slow. Clive Mantle, playing Mellor’s dad, gives a cringeworthy performance as an over-bearing father, who has retired and passed the tiling business on to his son, Ollie.

Ollie doesn’t want to be a WVM, but was kicked out of college for mistaking marijuana for oregano, and getting half the class high. A joke that is returned to repeatedly. “I thought it was oregano” is up there in the comedy catchphrase stakes with “garlic bread” and “I’m afraid you have six months to live.”

“Is he doing a crap? I thought he was just doing a piss”

A painfully long routine, where dullard Darren (Ollie’s assistant) goes to the toilet in a customer’s house, actually has a discussion over whether he’s weeing or pooing. Who’s supposed to be laughing at this? LOL HE IS POOING AND POOS ARE FUNNY.

“I ran out of toilet paper and used his towel”

It’s not even that the premise is interesting or exciting and then they fucked it up with weak jokes. The second job that he goes to (after being thrown out of the first job for having a shit), is being burgled. By Neil from the Inbetweeners. And Mellor buys the stuff he’s stealing off him, rather than ACTING LIKE AN ACTUAL PERSON and chasing him off, phoning the police or hiding in the garden.

“I got distracted”
“What does that mean?”
“I had a wank”

Sidekick Darren, the one who did the shit, has two hilarious comedy attributes: Firstly, he smokes. Which hilariously sets the floor of the van on fire. Secondly, he fucked a dog. There’s no explanation or comedy, just that he was seen fucking a dog.

“I hope you get dick cancer and die”

The situation is dull, the comedy non-existent. Prepare for 17,000 episodes of this to clog the fucking schedules for the next 9 years.

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