The comedian Ernie Kovacs once said: “Television: A medium – so called because it is neither rare nor well done.” Ernie had obviously never seen Take Me Out, which makes sense, as he died in 1962.

We head into this episode in a post-Lucy world. How will we cope? One of the Scat twins has a new look so they don’t appear so ‘twinny’, but will this new technique help? Will Peggy ever leave her light on? Where the frig has Heidi gone?

Lad numero uno is Anthony from Manchester, a boyish imp. He loses one light: Peggy. Obviously. He does ice-skating, salsa dancing, magic and is certainly straight. Samantha, carving herself a niche as the New Lucy, has her light turned off by the man-boy, who decides to go for Ellie.

After some inexplicable Star Wars references from Paddy, we catch up with Michael and Adele from last week. They have a marvellous date, a little kiss and are clearly smitten….aww.

The next poor sap is John Cena’s little brother, Matt from Kent. Scat twins forget his name, which doesn’t go down well. He’s a farmer and has some burglar-ready firearms. Sonia thinks she’s turned her light off, when it’s still on. Matt asks Paddy to turn it off now – not that he’s bitter. Samantha’s light is still on, but you could’ve guessed that. His video shows that he’s friends WITH A GIRL, so he loses lights. Because, you know, women are insecure lunatics, right? She reveals that he once ploughed the words “I love you” in a field. Samantha is desperate for a ploughing, and gets the date! SAMANTHA! First Lucy, now Samantha… next week’s blog might struggle!

Adam and Katie now, and she throws a right strop for being asked to have salsa lessons. She gets over being mental and they have a laugh, some food and arrange another date. It’s all going very well.

Our third lad is Andrew from Liverpool, who dances on stage like a ragdoll getting electric shock treatment. All the lights remain on and Peggy has gone weak at the knees declaring “I love you”. His video shows the shocking revelation that he’s a Liverpool fan! A young man! From Liverpool! Who likes football! This disgusting confession loses some lights. Paddy reels off “Kop off” and “You’ll never walk alone” jokes, annoying me no end, as I had some lined up.

Anthony then gets stitched up by his mum in his video. She washes and tidies up after him, changes his bed, makes his lunch, picks him up from nights out. It’s a bit of a nightmare. She’s cost him 9 lights. Anyway, he’s a got a date… but not before they wheel out a mystery guest. Inevitably, it’s walking anti-girlfriend shield – his mum, ready to fuck him over by making him choose who she likes.

She immediately tells him to get rid of Peggy as “she’s too tall”, despite being the same height as her son. He teases turning her light off but keeps her in the final two. It’s between Peggy and fellow Liver-bird Nicola. His mum asks why they’d be good daughter-in-laws. Nicola sucks up to her so much it’s cringeworthy – “I’m a beautician, I’ll do your nails and your hair and everything. You look like a sack of shit at the moment. I’ll get off with your husband too?”

I may have added a bit to that.

Peggy blows that answer away by being all sweet and that, saying “I hope as long as I make your son happy, that you’d be happy”

Despite his, Anthony receives some boos while walking towards Nicola. He ditches her, and Peggy’s got a date! Woah, woah: Lucy, Samantha, Peggy?! Next week will be rubbish – just the twins trying not to look crestfallen at yet another rejection.

Kate and wizardy-Chris now: They have a nice date and say there will be another! Chin-a-matic Dave and Lucy now. She sings happy birthday to him in Welsh and have a nice date. Good. If after twelve weeks of rejection Lucy went on a shit date there would be a revolution.

Our final lad is Dan from Cheshire, who has the most punchable face since Frankie. Nicola is also from Cheshire –
“where are you from?” she asks.
“Macclesfield.”
…
”Oh, I don’t know where that is”.

Brilliant.  Zsa-Zsa wants to sexually assault Dan. Dan grins through this awfulness to face his video. He’s got a law degree (oooooh), but then became a holiday rep (eh?) and is now a customer services manager (…oh). What a catch. There’s an awful “Love court” set up which he smirks his way through. He’s got a date and leaves it to be between Lauren and Iona, who for convenience’s sake are stood next to each other.
He toys between the two and then turns off Iona. Iona’s brain is made of clouds and puppy tails and she thinks she’s got the date. She begins to walk out to hug Dan, before noticing her light is actually off. What a dozy mare.

And that’s it – Next week is the last in the CURRENT series. Let’s just get through it without Lucy, Samantha, Heidi or Peggy… if we can.

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