The Daily Express cares about YOUR rights. And your vacuum cleaner. by Nick Bryans

Nothing offensive about this atall. Nope nothing. Can't think of anything that someone may find offensive in the word 'Crusader' and a solider. Nope, nothing at all.

The Daily Express cares about YOUR rights. And by YOUR, I mean; Middle-Englanders who’s rights aren’t remotely compromised. As Britons we love to moan, but the problem is, we don’t really have anything to moan about. In general, we get it pretty good in Ing-ger-land. Even with planned state-sector cuts, rising student fees, rising unemployment; in the grand scheme of things globally, we’re the lucky ones. This however isn’t enough to perturb the Daily Express. They want to make it quite clear that YOU Britons are the real heroes. And by YOU, I mean average folk who have led rather uneventful lives, and done nothing heroic. They love Britons so much that they’ve dedicated a whole section to the ongoing campaign for the rights of you salt-of-the-earth guys.

A heart warmiming story, that Mr. Desmond has dictated to a journalist. Then placed in his own newspaper. Heart warming.

The Crusader is a section of the website that displays just how myopic the Express content is. It’s an amalgamation of pet peevs, council busybodies and how Britain has gone to the dogs. The spread of stories ranges from parking fines to dodgy cookers. It’s essentially taken all the throw away stories from local newspapers and given them their own section. Top of today’s billing includes a heart-warming tale about Ivan, who bought a vacuum cleaner off the internet which didn’t get delivered when they said it would! But it did eventually get delivered. Yep. So, you know. Quite the scoop.

He paid by credit card and fully expected to get the Dyson sometime before Christmas.

But in early December he received new instructions that, though slightly odd, did not arouse his suspicions enough to cancel his order. It asked him to pay by cheque or bank transfer and as an incentive offered him a further £5 discount.

Ivan complied, taking the transfer route, but his Dyson did not turn up, although from time to time he would get cheery emails assuring him it was almost on its way. “They were always so pleasant, it was easy to believe them,” he said.

Cripes! What a situation! What happened next?

Although we never heard from Utopia Consortium, the parent company, directly, the pressure seems to have worked as Ivan and his wife June finally received their Dyson last month.

“We had almost written the cleaner off so this is a lovely surprise,” they said.

……………….I wonder who’s going to play Ivan in the film?

A delighted Ivan here, with his pneumatic Dildo. Wife looks nervous.

Ivan’s tale of a vaccum cleaner getting delayed in the post was one of the many hop topics on the Crusader’s front page.  Another story concerned Londoner Elizabeth, who’s cooker broke down and – wait for it – was out of warranty. RIP, sweet cooker.

The appliance was already installed in the London flat Elizabeth bought a few years ago and was out of guarantee.

She says she was disappointed that Baumatic was not more constructive when she called.

Holy shit! So her cooker was out of warranty and therefore they wouldn’t help her? Well I’ve seen some scum in my time, but Baumatic takes the biscuit. How dare they. Her dad fought in the war so she could flaunt contract laws. Did he die in vain? Well?

This appears to be a non-story. Dippy woman’s oven is out of warranty, will have to pay for it to be fixed. Why is this in a national newspaper?

With Crusader monitoring progress, Elizabeth decided there was nothing for it but to shop around for an alternative and eventually chose Domex, a repairer and spares supplier in the South East covering most brands and appliance types.

Instead of the £110 call out charge she was previously offered, Domex provides an on-site diagnosis and three-hour labour for £42 including VAT with parts extra.

“Manufacturers often have higher overheads than us, such as travelling longer distances, they often carry fewer parts which all impact their charges and service,” says Domex director Ross Ganev.

“We recognise householders are concerned about rogue traders, so we try to be as transparent as possible. We stock a high number of parts, so customers can get a good price and most problems can be fixed on the spot or shortly after.

Ah I see, so it was a stealth ad for Domex. Good work, Crusader!

Kim Mullaly and Peggy Bonson had a similarly dull story which they decided to share with the Crusader.

HOMEOWNERS Kim Mullally and her elderly neighbour Peggy Bonson are unable to forget the day a gas company dug up their driveways and laid new pipes.

Ooh, why’s that? Did they strike gold?

Permanent reminders stand out in the shape of large patches of new tarmac – a stark contrast to the existing, weathered surface – and the homeowners are understandably upset.

Of course they accept the upgrade work was essential to maintain safety and a reliable supply, so energy company Southern Gas Networks (SGN), had to have access. But it is the way it was done and the look of what they’ve been left with that’s the problem.

This isn't just ANY tarmac, this.......no wait, it is just any tarmac. My mistake.

So essentially, they don’t mind that the work was done, their only complaint is that weathered tarmac and new tarmac are different in colour. Should you be taking up your complaint with, I dunno, GCSE level Chemistry?

In a statement, it replied: “SGN endeavours to reinstate the surface to a similar, if not better, condition than prior to the excavation. SGN will explore every reasonable avenue of resolution.”

So they had no choice, other than to re-tarmac your entire driveway. Which would have been a perfectly reasonable demand…

Other than someone’s vacuum cleaner being delayed, science being a bit twatty and a woman getting her hob fixed at a very competitive rate (remember, that’s Domex – If can find a cheaper alternative for hob-maintenance, keep it to yourself) are there any, you know, actual stories in The Crusader? Well, thanks to Grace Bownass, there are. And this isn’t just any story. This is a Daily Express motherload. It’s got it all. Jobsworth busybodies, parking regulation, the elderly, the disabled, motorists, and (but I’m quite sure how) the economy. It’s the kind of the story that you know Richard ‘Dirty’ Desmond had had at least one tug over. If not two, if he was treating himself.

SHOPPER Grace Bownass paid a car park’s £3 Sunday all-day fee but was hammered with an astonishing £60 penalty notice.

Is it possible to get hammered by a £60 fine? Well poor Grace here is the victim of someone’s competence in their job. Which is just awful for her. So why did she get this fine?

According to operator Excel, which runs the private pay-and-display site in Albert Street, Birmingham, it was entirely the 77-year-old’s fault, as she had not followed its required process and got a ticket within 20 minutes of arriving on January 2.

Oh Grace. What on earth were you doing for 20 minutes?

“It was raining, the new year sales were on and there was a queue at the ticket machines. I stayed in my car, had the cup of tea I had brought with me and listened to the Archers serial on the radio. What an expensive drink that’s turning out to be.”

GRACE! THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING! THE ARCHERS! TEA! OH FOR FUCK SAKE, GRACE!

In reply, Excel’s marketing head Tom Banham said: “It is clearly advertised on signage throughout the car park, failure to purchase a valid ticket at the time of parking will result in the issue of Parking Charge Notice.

“One was correctly issued. Mrs Bownass was deemed not to have observed the terms and conditions, her appeal was rejected.”

However, as “a goodwill gesture” based on “the specific circumstances” of the incident, Excel has cancelled the charge but insists it still wants £10 from Grace to cover its admin costs.

So the firm slashed their fine which they were legally entitled to give her. Even this doesn’t impress the Express’ readers though, with the article’s sole comment entitled ‘DON’T PAY IT!’. For some reason, The Express and it’s readers think that the elderly are sacrosanct when it comes to the law. Fuck it, Grace, rob a bank. You’re 74, laws don’t apply to you….apparently…

So, if any of you out there have a flat tire, or a stain on an item of clothing, or can’t remember what channel BBC1 is on your TV, give the Express a ring. Remember; it’s not news unless it affects you. Or someone you know. Or someone that looks like someone you know.

What do you reckon he tells his Dad he does for work?

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