Take Me Out: Series 2 Episode 12 by Tim Ward

John Logie Baird invented the television, and now, FINALLY, after some 80 years his goggle-box machine is paying off, because Take Me Out is on!

We are told that Lucy has left her light on 29 times out of 44 lads on the show. Peggy just twice. I’m surprised it’s that low!

Our first lad is a skinny Ray Winston, Dave from ESIIIX. Every light stays on. In his video, David is shown doing ‘water-robics’ with old ladies.  It’s OK, he runs a fitness centre, he’s not some nut case. He also runs a soccer school for kids. Light off from Laura – “I don’t do kids”.

For his talent, Dave balances stuff on his chin. Seriously.  First a chair, then a ladder, then one of those wooden benches you get in schools. It’s impressive and he’s still got a bevy of beauties to choose from, including our mate Heidi who fluffs her lines and gives McGuiness ammo to claim she has a hairy chin, the swine!

This leaves Lucy and Adele and asks them on a scale of 1 to 10 how sexy he looks. Adele, who used to be engaged to Darren Day, goes for a generic answer, which Lucy blows out of the water by suggesting she’d put out very quickly – “Forget the scale – I’ll tell you later – we’ll get on a date and I’ll show you a good time”. THAT was always going to win! LUCY GOT A DATE! LUCY’S GOT A DATE! LUCY! A DATE! We’ll miss Luce!

Sunny and Samantha on their date. They go waterskiing and Samantha asks “Have you never done any watersports?!”…. Bit forward for the first date. I tend to leave those questions for at least the third date. Which this pair may well have.

Lad two is Adam from Brighton – he only loses two lights. Linds says “Bring in the SWAT team cus you are the bomb!” I don’t want to be pedantic but it should be “Bring in the bomb disposal unit cus you are a bomb!”, but I guess that doesn’t roll off the tongue as well. In his video he says he’s a tool, basically: “I’m a party animal – I’ll be the one shaving your eyebrows off!” OI OI!

He’s a painter and decorator, oh and a topless waiter. He inevitably loses some lights for that. He hasn’t got ANY talent, so his mates have a video. They suggest the shittest lookalike ever – Louie Spence. He looks like Louie Spence in as much as they are both human males with short hair.

They say people are ALWAYS stopping him to get autographs as they think he’s Louie Spence. Who are these blind idiots? He gets through that and gets himself a date. After the usual antics he left with Katie and Samantha, who is carving herself out as the new Lucy – light always on only to be ditched at the end. This happens here – he’s off with Katie.

Our next datees are Michael and Julie.  He’s a fine old chap and she is a slightly eccentric lady. It goes brilliantly, and I really can’t take the piss out of them. They’re just brilliant. Best of luck to them.

Our third fella is a wizard. He’s bald with a twisted red beard and is wearing a long dress/hoody thing. It’s pretty special. He’s Chris from Essex. Obviously a few lights go off, but less than half. It’s his talent now, doing his best Bowie from Labrynth impression by twatting about with a crystal ball, ending up with it balanced on his head. It’s an actual talent! He loses one light – Sarah who “just didn’t get it”.  She’s no great loss, Chris.

He’s a self employed professional performer, and does all kinds of stuff – juggling, fire stick…er..thing… and he teaches these circus skills to other people. He’s a really nice guy, but the lights are dropping.  He’s got three left when his final line is uttered.  TWO lights go… And that’s it! One light left! He’s got a date, but no choice! It’s with Kate, who is drawn to the fact he’s a wizard – which as good a reason as any. Let’s see if they’ll be any MAGIC on the date. Hurr, hurr. See, this blog isn’t just knob-gags and sarcasm.

Last week’s couple now – walking Prick-a-thon Frankie and Nicole. He first notices that she “has a big mouth”.  Not that she was pretty, or looked good or anything.  Just that.  They get on well and go for dinner, where Fucknuckle Frankie calls her Nicola.  Oops. He then reveals “there’s so many areas of my character that I scare myself” – which may well be the twattiest thing ever uttered on the show. “I’d be surprised if she didn’t fancy me.” Correction, THAT might be the twattiest thing.

Another couple now: Riccardo and Vikki. They head off for a bit of golf, have laugh but probably won’t be having any romance.

Our final lad is Michael from Derry in Norn Iron. He only loses Ali. He’s currently in the third year of his PhD.  He keeps fit and doesn’t sit in front of the TV, so more lights go out. Paddy heads over to Stacey, whose thickness is only matched by her nails-on-whiteboard voice. “I like the fact you’re studying PhD – I don’t know what it is…” Paddy steps in, as they’re probably worried viewings will complain that someone with genuine mental problems is forced to parade on national TV for our entertainment.

He’s good looking, intelligent, studying a PhD, or something, so has a few lights to pick from. Heidi, Scat and Samantha are all ditched, leaving him with Adele and Jessica – one of which has a black belt in tae kwon do. He picks the former soon-to-be Mrs Darren Day and black belt holding Adele.

And that’s your lot!

Comments

1. Julie-take me out Mcgee says:

   March 10, 2011 at 9:16 pm

   So kind-thankyou shoutees!!xx

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