So, last week we learnt more than we wanted to about The Tools’ sexual inabilities, then Tipsy Tool Hus and his Wannabe Reader’s Wife Jill got kicked out.

This week, presenter Rick Edwards introduces the term Twag to refer to the Laydeez. I approve of this new vocabulary. Also this week, we get fake funerals and running with a crazy US army man called Mykel Hawke. YES. Even the spelling of his name tells you he’s nearly as awesome at stuff as Steven Seagal.

Sir Hawke Sir! woke everyone up to get them to do exercise shiz. Which meant the Laydeez carrying the Tools on their backs as some kind of literal metaphor for their relationships. Poor Lyndsay – she had to carry Massive Tool Dave. He is actually massive. She was like a titan though and managed to carry him a bit before almost dying.

Then the Laydeez had to be weighed so that their weight could be converted to sand for The Tools to carry on a hike. Sir Hawke Sir! entered Innuendo Central by telling The Tools that sometimes their women would go down and they would have to carry them. I think he may have had a session with the sex therapist from last week…

Anyway, The Tools set off and started crying like babies about five minutes in. Lazy Tool Lee lived up to the hype and discarded his bag. Essentially then discarding his girlfriend. FOR SHAME. Or whatever. Massive Tool Dave struggled on and felt rather embarrassed that he struggled when Lyndsay had managed to carry him. He felt he learnt something though about strength or equality or something.

Then they had to swim across a river. Which led to the HORRIFYING sight of Massive Dave’s arse. Where’s that mind bleach?

In the still of night, Sir Hawke Sir! turned into some kind of crazy-ass shaman and gathered them round a campfire and got The Tools to talk about their feelings and about who they ARE in their SOULS. Or something. But then he brought the smackdown – The Laydeez were ENABLERS in the shamefulness of The Tools. Obviously.

Following these revelations, The Tools and their Laydeez had to set up a tent. And not one of those pop up ones, an actual proper tent. Those things are hard. Lazy Tool Lee and Jade managed to get their tent up first and then had to crack into a safe to get materials to make fire. Because they could do maths, they won the chance to sleep in a swanky tent. The other Tools and their Laydeez didn’t care – they were able to sleep in the same place which could only mean Business Time. Maybe. Don’t think about it though, there’s not enough mind bleach in the world.

Back at the Academy, Psychiatrist Lady Dr Scott told The Tools that they’d be having a fake funeral to represent the deaths of their relationships. They are all about the literal visual metaphors this week. So what could be lovelier than The Tools having to write a eulogy to their beloveds and then having to deliver it in front of a proper coffin and a mourning crowd?

Massive Tool Dave was up first. He had a message from beyond the relationship grave from Lyndsay which seemed to freak him out a bit. Well, wouldn’t the whole situation freak any normal person out? The Laydeez got to hear what The Tools had to say which prompted tears and hugs. Stoner Tool Bobby even managed to string entire (mostly) coherent sentences together. Even Geezer Tool Harry managed to well up at the thought of the loss of The Lovely Faye. He even eulogised in rhyme. Amazing.

Poser Tool Pete was the one who broke down the most though. Even though his girlfriend is Toolette Becky. Love is weird, people.

Presenter Rick Edwards and Psychiatrist Lady Dr Scott decided to do their deliberating in the kitchen this week. Geezer Tool Harry made Dr Scott cry. She also maintained her dislike of Toolette Becky. They both agreed that Lazy Tool Lee shirks any sort of responsibility for his actions.

It seems The Tools agreed too as they all wanted Lazy Tool Lee to go. And because eliminations aren’t exciting enough, The Tools had to decide who they thought Dr Scott and Presenter Rick Edwards had picked and if they were right then that Tool would be saved but if they were wrong then the Tool they picked and the Tool Dr Scott and Presenter Rick Edwards had picked would go. Got it? No, me either.

The Tools thought that Poser Tool Pete had been picked to go by Scott and Edwards. Why they didn’t pick Lazy Tool Lee is a bit of a mystery given how much they all dislike him. But then, if they picked him then they’d be saving him and they clearly wanted to GET RID. Lazy Tool Lee and Poser Tool Pete were left till the end. And The Tools had got it wrong so both Lazy Tool Lee AND Poser Tool Pete were eliminated.

Lazy Tool Lee was lucky that he had Faye to forgive him for being a lazy shirker. You had to feel a bit for Poser Tool Pete though. Not only had he actually appeared to make an effort, he had to go home with Toolette Becky who told him that she would go home with him because she wanted to fuck him. And be famous. She is all class that one…

Next week: MIRRORS! BOATS! THE EXPELLED TOOLS RETURN!

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