Take Me Out: Series 2 Episode 8 by shoutingatco.ws

Turn the dial all the way to gaudy, it’s time for Take Me Out!

Presenting, as always, is Paddy “amazingly not the least talented member of the Phoenix Nights cast” McGuinness. He unveils the ladies, who skip out, dancing and mugging to the camera. Hello, girls! Which ones will get smashed tonight, and who will Paddy be hanging out the back of after the show? Let’s find out!

Let the toad see the hole (@SwearySausages)

Welsh Raretit

First out of the love lift, to the strains of Wham!, is a chubby orange stack of hairgel called Dean. Only two lights go out. They’re probably too far away to see him properly.
He tells Lucy that he could be her Welsh Rarebit. Doesn’t really work, Dean – she’s the Welsh one, you’re from Sheffield.
As soon as he mentions his fake tan, the lights can’t switch off quick enough. You’re a builder mate, c’mon, you spend half your life outdoors.
Orange Liana in her orange dress is an orange fan of orange Dean.
He goes lawn bowling with some old men, and inexplicably some of the lights remain on. Even Paddy seems a bit incredulous. He’s guaranteed a date though, and he clears out desperate Lucy. One day, Luce. One day.
He picks out Maria, rejecting Jo Jo, who apparently once dated a 4 foot 11 chap. Unless it was Danny De Vito, we don’t wanna know.

New contestant is Krista, and she’s quite lovely.

Last week’s first date is between Dawn and Dan. She’s terrified of getting her body out next to his. She’s less worried about getting it out in front of the 20,000,000 viewers or whatever Take Me Out gets. The date goes well, and they romantically high five.

Let the arse see the bowl (@toolerg)

Celine, Celine, please don't take him, just because you can...

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY… dances out winking bell-end Rick (with a silent P. Yes, we’re stealing jokes from The Young Ones now). He only loses two girls, but fortunately one of them is Krista. We’re feeling slightly protective of her.
He lives in Chelsea, and resembles Chris Barrie playing a Tory toff.
Laura keeps her light on, but “I don’t know why”. Fair enough. Heidi, who perpetually bothers us on Twitter (Heidi, hi!) seems keen.
Oh, he’s doing a weird bendy-legged thing, leaning backwards in a posh homage to the Matrix. Most public school boys are more adept at bending forwards. Megan mutters something absolutely incomprehensible, and he’s guaranteed a date! Yay!
He turns Heidi’s light off, and the Scat twins, leaving behind Megan (cute) and Celine (Sellotape on her tits.) Megan is off to the Isle of Fernando’s (Bognor Regis) with Rick. That’s quite the dress she’s wearing. Blimey.

Hippy Tez (Tes? Teds?) is away with Kayleigh (another of those names that has cropped up from nowhere over the last few years. Kayla, Kaylee… why are you naming her after an incorrectly spelled Scottish dance party? Just call her Carol and be done with it). They have a water fight on a kayak. It looks like he’s dying without any weed out there. Looks like there’ll be a second date, though!

Let the genitals see the warts. (@mattwhatsit)

Animal magnetism

Wandering out to Sexual Healing is Robbie from London. His hair is dyed into black and blonde stripes, and he’s wearing a see-through shirt. We’re not going to lie, he’s awesome. He loses about half the lights straight away. In his personal video, he calls himself “happy-go-lucky”, reducing the awesomeness a touch. He has a masters degree in biochemistry, and also hangs about in a thong. Oh, um. Black-out. As he leaves, he carries Paddy with him, and fakes crying at the top of the stage. Actually, he seems kind of mental.

John and Kerry were last week’s third couple. They play tennis, and he lets her win. Mostly because of the tight tennis shorts. He asks her out on another date, and she says yes. God, it’s like a serious dating show or something.

The final couple from last week were Jacob and Sammy. He’s “proper chuffed” with “how fit” she is. Cockhole. They re-create the Titanic boat pose, with laughable results. He sneaks a kiss, which she deflects expertly. There won’t be a kiss on the second date, because there won’t be a second date.

Let the baker see the buns (@0x_Sarah_x0)

Romance <3

Richard from Manchester is our final SINGLE MAN. He’s got a wee sneer on his face, a greasy hairstyle, a shiny sodding suit, and we don’t like him misappropriating Led Zeppelin. Krista, stop flirting with him! Video package time, and he proves what a joker he is by sticking his tongue out. He lies to girls about his job, because he’s an accountant. He has a bright yellow Alfa Romeo convertible, which has cost him £10,000 in repairs. He could have saved £9,950 by just buying a massive sign that says “I am a dickhead”.
He tries to woo the girls in Spanish, but he’s reading aloud and just sounds like a berk awkwardly using a guide book to order a meal in a Spanish bar.
Lucy has kept her light on, surprisingly. She should just cut her losses and tell the guys things like “I do anal on the first date”. It’s about as desperate, and will probably get results. Her light is the first of Richard’s to go. Then friend of the site Heidi, leaving just Jacqui (Big Suze from Peep Show) and pixie-like Celine. Again. He ditches Celine (boo, hiss), and we get to see Jacqui’s dress. She’s dressed in an ill-advised sexy-Aladdin outfit.

Tonight’s dates, then:

Dean and Maria
Rick and Megan
Richard and Jacqui
Robbie and a joyless wank

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