Great Uses For Your Old Vinyl Records! by Nick Bryans

My family actually possesses these. Amazing.

Hey, remember Vinyl records? No of course not, because you didn’t fight in World War II. Vinyl records, the father medium of music, went from being a slightly cool collector’s item for music fans, to being an unwavering dick-head indicator almost overnight.

‘Hey, you heard the new Arcade Fire CD?’

‘Nahhh sorry, I only listen to Vinyl.’

No. No you fucking don’t. Due to the fact the ‘Shoreditch twat’ has now adopted the Vinyl as the latest fashion item, after carrying around poetry books, gladioli and having allergic reactions to socks, this leaves you in a tough position of having a load of records, and no idea what to do with them.

Here are some revolutionary ways to make great uses of your old 12 inchs (..snigger…)

• Vinyl Curtains
  

  I have no intention of going anywhere near that man's 'Magic Flute'

Want to spruce up those boring drapes? Tape a load vinyl together then hang them in your front room. Voilà! It’s the Perfect way to rejuvenate dull decor. The looks on visitors and neighbours will be priceless! What a conversation starter!

‘Wow! Great curtains, I love Elvis!’

‘Me too! Shall we be mates?’

Of course, with anything like this, you may get a few detractors who aren’t on the same artistic level as you. Perhaps consult with your Postman (or Postmanwoman) about their artistic nature, in order to avoid people saying things like;

‘Christ, had to deliver a package to that nutcase family on St Peters Street’

‘Oh god, what have they done now?’

‘They’ve made some drapes out of  T-Pau’s ‘Bridge of Spies’, Mike and the Mechanics’ ‘Beggar on a Beach of Gold’, and a promotional 7inch of Peter Andre’s 90’s Smash hit ‘Flava’’

‘Jeeeesus, I dread to think what’s in their basement.’

‘Human remains, almost defiantly’

EXPERT TIP: BACHELORS; show prospective ladies your softer side by constructing your vinyl curtains out of smooth ballads, like Boyz 2 Men, Marvin Gaye and DJ Jazzy Jeff. She’ll think you’re all deep and thoughtful and DEFINATLY have sex with you. DEFINATLY.

• Indoor Vinyl Hopscotch

Love to see one of those 'X-Boxes' do that

Parents; these days, you can’t let your kids outside. On every corner there are unemployed paedophiles in hoodies trying to bring your house price down. Furthermore, you can’t let kids play these violent video games either. I read a story in the paper the other day about a boy who played one of those, erm, ‘shoot them all up’ games, and ended up stabbing his mother! I can’t remember what the game was, Mario Kart or Roller Coaster Tycoon or something, but the point remains; PlayStation. Is. Evil.

But never fear; here’s a fun game for ALL the family! Remember when hopscotch was in fashion? Ah it was a happier time; people respected their elders, no-one had these ‘tattoo’ things, and homosexual men weren’t allowed to show physical intimacy in public. Hopscotch is great fun, and after a few rounds of this bad boy, you’ll find your kids soon forgetting about these ‘sega-saturn’ things.

EXPERT TIP: Why not add a twist to a game, by telling your children that for every Neil Diamond record they step on, you’ll shoot a puppy! You’ll soon find they’ll be eager not to ’hop-to-It’!

• Novelty Vinyl Pyramids

The novelty market is THE growing industry in Britain. Whoever thought that the way to make shit things good was to inflate them to 50 times the size, deserves a medal. No sod that, a knighthood. Actually fuck it, tell the Queen to give them the keys to the country and say ‘here you are big-boy, it’s yours. Go mental’.

Take the gherkin for example. Looks like a floppy cock with gangrene, and tastes roughly the same. Yet build a massive office block in the shape of one in central London, and it’ll become the image of the capital and the backdrop of every mawkish shot of the place! Vinyl can do the same for the card pyramid market. A few playing cards stacked up is old hat, but do it with vinyl, and you’ll see people far and wide in awe at your accomplishment.

‘Wow! Yeah my son made one of these out of playing cards the other day. I put my boot through it and told him to stop being such a disappointment to me and his mother. But THIS! It’s like….bigger!’

Hmmm. Sinister doesn't quite cut it.

EXPERT: Here’s a thought, themed pyramids! Make one out of ‘Squeeze’ records, and watch as one of the record’s (one you never thought was that key to the pyramid anyway) ego engulfs the rest of it, before going on to make a repulsively shit pyramid of its own, and arse kissing its way to a prime-time slot on the BBC.

• Vinyl Placemats

Want to spruce up your table settings? Want no longer! Vinyl placemets! Replace your droll placemats with old vinyl to make normal dinner time; FUNKY DINNER TIME! And it doesn’t end there; they are the perfect centrepiece and talking point for dinner parties!

‘Oh wow, I didn’t even realise that Snow brought out ‘Informer’ on 12inch’

‘Yeah, to be honest I think I have the only copy’.

‘Wow, that must be worth a bit.’

‘………quid, probably. It’s ‘Informer’ by Snow for fuck sake. Hardly like a first press of ‘Imagine’ is it?……Tit.’

Serious recent drop off in quality on 'Come Dine With Me'

EXPERT TIP: The selection process is key when deciding which records to use. If your grandma comes round, perhaps don’t pop her plate on top of Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, or anything from Peaches’ back catalogue. You know her heart is dodgy, and if XTC’s ‘Skylarking’ looks her in the face after she slurps down your bland soup, it’ll probably finish her off. Poor thing.

• Vinyl Jenga

Yeah……this one’s a bit shit.

EXPERT TIP:…………………..na, got nothing, sorry. Just buy a Jenga set. What are they, a tenner? Jesus, stop being so tight.

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Well I bet your home just got the make-over it needed! Tune in next week when we show you how to insulate your roof with Dan Brown novels, or how to make the perfect dog’s blanket out of Gary Glitter’s ‘Rock and roll part 2’ CD inserts. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Comments

1. Luke D says:

   July 31, 2011 at 3:40 am

   I’m sorry but reactionary prose like this is just as guilty as following trends as the ‘shoreditch’ clique. Is it not as fashionable to dislike a certain thing just because some other group have adopted it as a kind of membership badge. I have read you blog for a while and enjoyied it immensely. You are better than these kind of cheap shots.

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