Tool Academy Season 1: Episode 4 by sel

So last week we lost the biggest Tool of them all – Randy Tool Liam. Compared to him, The Tools who are left aren’t all that Toolish to be honest.

The girls all thought Poor Deluded Toni should’ve just killed him. Massive Tool Dave’s response to the situation was to bond with The Tools by getting matching tattoos.

What? Yep. Tattoos. All their own idea. And what did they get tattooed? Why the Tool Academy logo of course! What better as a bonding experience than a permanent reminder that your girlfriend thinks you’re a tosser?!

Poser Tool Pete didn’t get one though because of his awesome modelling career. And because he thought he didn’t have the body for it. Cowardy custard.

This week’s lesson was romance. Lazy Tool Lee seems to think romance means blow jobs. He even back, sack and cracks in preparation . If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Psychiatrist Lady Dr Scott seems to think that romance means sex. Specifically simulating sex with puppets that look like The Tools and their Laydeez. I did not know this was romance, I have so been doing it wrong.

Before they got to discuss bumping uglies with a sex therapist, they had to go through the challenge. This week…. Flat Pack Furniture. We’ve all been through the Ikea Challenge. It makes or breaks relationships. Even more so when The Tools are the ones with the instructions and The Laydeez are the ones building. Poser Tool Pete gave up fairly quickly as his Laydee Becky wasn’t dressed for it and couldn’t follow instructions. Becky carried on with her Toolette behaviour before fake crying. Lazy Tool Lee and Jade finished first. Unsurprisingly, Poser Tool Pete and Becky didn’t even finish. But what did Lazy Tool Lee and Jade win? A nekkid ass nekkid photoshoot. Poser Tool Pete lost all his stuff thanks to Becky being a shrieking harridan. She was just more concerned with how much she was annoyed with him.

Romance also seems to include etiquette so The Tools had lessons such as pulling out a chair and pouring wine and saying please and thank you. So, you know, basic skills to allow you to operate in public. The Tools got to have a romantic dinner with their Laydeez. Except for Poor Poser Tool Pete. He had to have dinner with Toolette Harridan Becky. She was simply vile to him and all he was doing was trying to change like she had wanted him to. He did well not to pelt her with bread rolls or stab her silicone tits with his fork to make them leak.

The couples then had sex therapy. There wasn’t a warning before this so I didn’t know I would need an acid bath fot my mind’s eye to erase the horror that followed. Wannabe Reader’s Wife Jill wanted to know how to do anal whilst Tipsy Tool Hus maintained there was absolutely nothing they needed help with until he showed why they needed information on how to do anal. Lovely Faye worried she was boring whereas Geezer Tool Harry was just grateful for what he could get. Massive Tool Dave was reassured about being quick off the draw. Then Poser Tool Pete and Toolette Harridan Becky met the sex therapist. Toolette Harridan Becky joked that she was dressed like a whore. There was no joke – she was. Then she proceeded to act like one, gleefully explaining in every little detail about how amazing she was at the sex. Poser Tool Pete looked mildly embarrassed by the whole thing and that maybe he wanted to have a proper discussion.

Presenter Rick Edwards and Dr Scott cosied up in bed to discuss The Tools’ progress. They agreed that Massive Tool Dave had improved by admitting his ejaculatory faults, that Geezer Tool Harry didn’t think before he spoke and that Toolette Harridan Becky was more awful than all The Tools put together. They couldn’t be bothered to make a decision on who went though so got The Tools to pick who should go. Massive Tool Dave, Geezer Tool Harry and Lazy Tool Lee were vote free and so Tipsy Tool Hus, Jealous Tool Danny and Poser Tool Pete were in the bottom three. One of them would not be continuing on in the hopes of becoming a reformed Tool.

And that was Tipsy Tool Hus – apparently drinking and being rubbish at sex wasn’t convincing enough to show he’d reformed. Wannabe Reader’s Wife Jill didn’t seem too surprised.

Next week: CAMPING! FAKE FUNERALS! ARMY TRAINING!

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