If you had a boyfriend who was a complete knobcheese, you’d dump him, right? Exactly. That’s because you’re not the kind of girl who thinks being on a dubious US rip off on E4 is just the thing to CHANGE HER MAN.

Tool Academy is like a trip to a zoo comprised entirely of the kind of people you’d see in Krystals on a Saturday night. Each of the “Tools” has a “personality” ascribed to them because they don’t have one themselves. We’ve got Randy Tool, Geezer Tool, Twinkle Tool (he’s the one who’s girlfriend is convinced is gay), Football Tool, Massive Tool (who’s crime seems to be not washing up), Vain Tool, Poser Tool (not sure how that differs from Vain Tool…), Stoner Tool, Tipsy Tool, Lazy Tool, Jealous Tool and Temper Tool. It’s like the seven dwarves on crack. Amazingly, they’ve managed to sustain “relationships” with women – some of them even getting as far as marriage and procreation. Which either makes them very gifted with the gab or the women incredibly stupid and/or naive.

The tools are so toolish that they think they’ve been entered into “Britain’s Ultimate Lad” which they all seem very excited about. That tells you something about them. But in another wing of the house, their girlfriends have got together to bitch about how deficient their menfolk are. Abby, the vacuous blonde who goes out with Twinkle Tool Joe, is convinced he is gay. She tells him as much. He doesn’t seem that gay when he’s busy going off for a private lapdance….

Toni goes out with Randy Tool Liam. HE’S A CATCH! She feels vulnerable because she’s been cheated on in the past but she knows that Liam would NEVER do that. I think she’s got Liam confused with someone else as he gets busy telling any girl he sees that he’s single before disappearing to a toilet to finger some random girl. That’s right, while we’ve got Toni telling you that her man worships the ground she walks on and would never ever ever cheat on her, he’s busy with any girl who breathes. It’s hard not to pity Toni but at the same time look forward to Liam’s comeuppance.

The Tools get to do a catwalk to attempt to woo a crowd of laydeez. Presenter Rick Edwards gently mocks each and every one of them. Then the DRAMATIC REVEAL that actually people think they’re complete twats. The looks of confusion are immense as their tiny brains struggle to comprehend that anyone could possibly think they were anything less than amazing. The fear that crosses their faces when the girlfriends are revealed is even better as they’re told that the girls have seen everything they’ve been doing.

Jealous Tool Danny was rather annoyed and wanted to leave. Randy Tool Liam was physically sick with guilt. Then Temper Tool Jake stepped up to provide the dramz. He is a proper mental though he would angrily say that he’s not. He headbutted a door and didn’t realise. Massive Tool Dave cheerily admits he’s a tool, immediately making him about 50% better than the others.

The next day The Tools are joined by their girlfriends in a bizarre classroom setup (oh apparently this is where the “Academy” bit comes in) where the Tools have to say why they think they’re there. A lot of them are aware of what’s wrong with them which begs the question why they act that way in the first place. Lazy Tool Lee thinks he’s there because the spark’s gone between him and girlfriend Jade. Except neither of them can remember when there was a spark….

Geezer Tool Harry isn’t entirely sure what’s wrong with being a geezer despite the fact that he is clearly punching above his weight keeping Faye as a girlfriend. He’s all about the drinkin’ an’ the gamblin’ an’ the football.

Poser Tool Pete’s girlfriend Becky seems to think his problem is that she checks through his phone and his friend who’s a girl who’s evil because…. she’s a girl? Becky proves in the space of a few minutes why most blokes think girls are a bit mental.

Poor Twinkle Tool Joe is made to literally cry by Abby calling him gay and her revealing that he goes to see his female friend later at night than the others think is acceptable. She doesn’t mind making him cry. So either he is gay and this girl is the only one who knows or he’s not and just cries easily.

Temper Tool Jake is still having issues with people judging him and shit, yeah? He feels unappreciated and that he’s not mental. But he knows his anger is an issue but he’s Greek, yeah? So don’t fuck with his car or his woman, yeah? Temper Tool Jake is amazing for all the wrong reasons – he won’t even play football with everyone because he will kick them.

The Tools have to take their girlfriends on a ‘date’ and basically not be a tool. Huh. For some reason, the girls are super excited by this and start squealing and doing their hair as if this forced date situation will radically transform The Tools into some sort of Mills and Boon heroes.

Unsurprisingly they are disappointed. Abby keeps telling Twinkle Tool Joe he’s gay, Lazy Tool Lee can’t be bothered to take his sunglasses off and Stoner Tool Bobby can’t even string a sentence together. Bita leaves her date with Temper Tool Jake by telling him:  “I miss you already, you little shit.” Ahhhh, the romance.

Apparently, though, this is the glue that binds them together as he decides he NEEDS TO SEE HIS WOMAN, YEAH? So he goes to break in to the girls’ wing and starts effing and blinding like a plumber. He tells Bita that they’re leaving so she goes to pack her stuff. It’s at this point that you realise that if Temper Tool Jake hasn’t slapped Bita before, he’s not far from it. The production team are clearly aware of this too and manage to talk him into staying. The other Tools seem to see his return as commendable until they find out he broke into the girls’ section and potentially scared them. Then they give him the subtle hints that he won’t be made as welcome.

In the judging bit, Rick Edwards strokes the picture of Faye in a slightly stalkerish way in the hopes that she might dump Geezer Tool Harry before asking Psychologist Lady Dr Scott if she’d have a go on Poser Tool Pete before they basically say that none of these couples have a hope in hell of staying together.

In the end, rat-faced Football Tool Max is sent packing for being a tool but not quite toolish enough to make good television. As is Vain Tool Chris. We don’t want dull tools now do we?

Next time it’s almost like a Jeremy Kyle special as there’s LIE DETECTORS and VIDEO TAPE EVIDENCE and SHOCKED GIRLFRIENDS! You’ll hate a bit of yourself for watching but you know you will.

Tool Academy is cunningly scheduled right after the saccharine tweeness of Glee on E4, Mondays at 10pm. There’s a repeat of this episode on tonight though. You should watch it.

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