‘What connects Myra Hindley, Michael Caine and my mum?’ – Only Connect

Like many readers of this site I could sit and espouse the fine qualities of Miss Victoria Coren until the proverbial bovines reach their preferred habitats. Getting to meet her in person for my television debut on quiz show Only Connect only served to confirm general opinion. She was sarcastic, scathing and ultimately incredibly charming. The same, at least in public, could be said of our opponents (though their questions were obviously far easier and their dress sense pales in comparison to ours, particularly where bowties are concerned).

For those who don’t know, Only Connect is a BBC4 show usually shown after University Challenge on a Monday night. The quiz consists of four rounds: find the connection between four clues on a topic, find the fourth in a sequence, the infamous wall round (16 clues in a grid that need sorting into four groups) and the missing vowel round (famous words and phrases have the vowels removed and the consonants are squidged together to be deciphered). The topics range from atomic numbers to Jay-Z and literally anything can be covered. The challenge is to find the unusual connection, amid red herrings and false starts, which bewilders and baffles all those who approach. This is not your usual q and a quiz – this a Marks and Spencer’s lateral thinking quiz so far outside of the box it carries its Corn Flakes in a handbag. I went on in a team with my parents to form The Wrights and we played The Urban Walkers, The Bloggers, The Epicurians and The Alesmen to come third overall.

There is, however, no cash prize. Nothing. Not a book token nor an OC mug in sight. The only thing one comes away with at the end is pride, or shame depending on how well you do. The clever-dickiness one can feel is unrivalled by other quizzes which makes it all worthwhile, as well as meeting Our Lady VC of course. The quiz is supposed to be the hardest on telly and, after being there, I can confirm that it is really tricky. The fact we came third, despite our superior knowledge of insect parts (I will always love and worry about my father for knowing what an ‘ovipositor’ is) and David Blaine magic tricks (though we initially were torn between it being Han Solo or Dracula), is a testament to how tough it is. We consider our bronze medal position a real victory and every time a friend goes ‘ooh gawd, I couldn’t do that’ our little win is ever sweeter.

In terms of competition, there were more Oxbridge graduates than you could shake a well-educated stick at, creating some fierce but friendly opponents. We were three underdogs with one part-time degree between us – we really were Scumbag College vs Footlights. Not only that, but we were up against some serious, one might say professional, quizzers while we had zero quiz or TV experience. We were up against Mastermind contestants, some real Eggheads and some people who really had wanted to be millionaires – some were even the phone-a-friends! These were people you could Google and I must admit, I did get a great deal of satisfaction from being the 19 year old northern blonde bird with big earrings and a silly nose piercing who helped beat them; always nice to smash a stereotype or two! For the most part though everyone was more than pleasant and a good time was had by all, especially with our expenses in the hotel bar.

For being produced by a wee independent company in Wales, there was a great deal of glamour in the whole process: our wranglers firmly, but fairly, discarded bumbags in the name of high style. My father had his bald pate powdered by the same brush that has graced Robert Carlyle and Michael Madsen. VC’s dress was so tight that she couldn’t bend over to pick up her dropped cue cards. Being managed by an expert team of associate producers was a good laugh all round and the backstage chat was dishy indeed – apparently all the cameramen’s love lives were so desperate that even the England team score more often. Despite the whole sexy TV atmosphere of make-up artists and soundmen shoving microphones down your top we never really felt like we were being filmed. Once you get into the game you’ve no idea that there are cameras on and you can’t see yourself on any monitors – the first time we saw ourselves was the first time it was broadcast on the telly. You might get a glimpse of the autocue but you’re far too busy trying to work out what connects the Tardis to Mary Poppin’s handbag (both much bigger inside than they appear, if you’re wondering) to pay any attention.

What has surprised me about being on Only Connect is the array of comment we have managed to generate on the Internet. My father has been compared to Michael Caine (for his Essex wide-boy pronunciation of ‘drop-leaf table’), I am purported to be an Eastender’s barmaid/Myra Hindley with a permanently dribbly nose and my mother, well, let’s just say I’ve heard kinder ‘yo mamma’ jokes in the mean streets of Leeds. A torrent of young men (about six) put in friend requests to me on Facebook and we’ve been blogged and Tweeted by literally tens of people around the country. However, every celebrity needs to learn how to deal with such acclaim, darling!

I can assert that the fame hasn’t really gone to my head (only the celebratory Tesco champagne, I promise.) The best we’ve done, aside from me getting asked to write an article for such a fine website, was getting recognised in a restaurant in Tadcaster. But I tell you what – it felt bloody brilliant. I would advise all those interested to apply as it’s a great hoot and who knows! The people of Tadcaster may have room for you too.

This was a guest post by Rosa Wright, who came third in the 2010 series of Only Connect.

Comments

1. Bob says:

   January 11, 2011 at 11:10 pm

   Ms Coren is such a honey – loving her work :)
2. Russell Parker says:

   January 11, 2011 at 11:12 pm

   Smashing article.

   Oh, and when I once got an answer after one clue (“Oscar the Grouch’s dustbin”) as alluded to in the TARDIS question mentioned above, I did indeed put a team of willing workmates together. Only to find that, despite there being no material prize, BBC employees can’t enter. Damn and blast it all. So I must resign myself to cheering from the sidelines, for now at least.

   Glad to hear you had such an enjoyable time. I envy yourself, in the nicest possible way. Thanks for sharing.
3. Dan says:

   January 12, 2011 at 12:12 am

   I’m a big fan of ‘Only Connect’ and you were a fantastic team. I can see what you were saying about being the underdogs but you did incredibly well and 3rd place was entirely justified. Between us, my dad, mum and I probably get a few questions right per show but not enough to be credible contestants, so well done for having the stones to go on it and do extremely well.
4. Bob Watt says:

   January 12, 2011 at 10:38 am

   Thanks for this, Rosa! Great to read what it feels like from the “Been there, done “Only Connect”" side of things. You are now admired from even farther north than Tadcaster, i.e. Glasgow – as with Leeds, one of the great cities of the world. There is no way anyone can seriously knock folk who have made it on to this unashamedly wonderful programme – the finest TV Quiz on the planet!
5. sahoyde says:

   January 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

   Rosa, you were my favourite team too. I bet my neighbours could hear me laugh when I saw your expression after beating the Alesmen- a lovely mixture of surprise, pleasure and pride. It was all like – “yeah!” and we were all like “yeah!” at home too. By the way, no disrespect to your ma and pa, it was you who swung that match without a doubt. I’m glad the show was fun to make as well as watch.
6. Ruth Deller says:

   January 21, 2011 at 11:56 pm

   We had the pleasure of losing to the Wrights in the quarter finals and were rooting for them, so were delighted when they came third. It was great to meet another non pro-quizzing team and they’re great people in real life. Great blog, too, Rosa!

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