Still reeling from whoever it was that got fired last week, probably Liz, we’re down to the Final Five, and the interviews round. This episode is traditionally a bit of a favourite, as Alan’s business mates get the benefit of a research team and carte blanche to bollock, cajole and annoy the candidates into appearing imperfect. And inevitably, someone will be fired. Or all of them will. Baggsy has no chance (although we’ve said that about 8 times so far).

Early Morning Wake-up Call, and it’s off to Sugar Towers. Everyone is up and getting ready, but Baggsy has a wee lie-in. Jo picks on Jamie for his choice of suit. God, who owns more than one suit, apart from arseholes? Weddings, funerals and interviews, the same suit gets dragged out every time.

Alan apparently said that he saw a bit of himself in Stuart Baggs. We’ll bypass the obvious “it’s his cock” joke, and point out that Baggs is a belligerent bullshitter that works for himself and doesn’t really get on with anyone.

There’ll be three firings tonight, which’ll make You’re Fired a bit more interesting, if nothing else.

Claude is ace, we love Claude. He tells Chris that he doesn’t want him to bullshit.

Alan Watts is also in. He’s a hotshot lawyer, so we automatically think he’s a cock. He’s pissed off with Stuart for making defamatory comments in the press about a business rival. What a fucking numpty.

Bordan Tkachuk, who looks like Dennis Hopper, immediately catches Jamie in a lie on his CV.

Margaret Mountford is fourth, and Stuart pisses her off by calling her “Margaret” like an Apprentice fanboy cock-end. Or, like us. She calls Jamie puerile for talking about his third nipple on his CV, and then admitting that it’s a lie.

The interviews are a bit weird, especially when Stella is probed about wanting the job, because we don’t know what the job actually is. They don’t even know, do they?

Jo stumbles and stutters over what Suralan actually does, getting Viglen’s name wrong and assuming that Lord Sugartits still owns Amstrad.

Some of the questioning is a bit shit: Margaret picks on Chris for bragging about his achievements. It’s his bloody CV, it’s a list of achievements, you mad old bat. He then takes a bollocking from Claude for quitting his law degree, not following up on his politics degree and then quitting his investment banking job after nine months.

Jamie gets slated for having crap GCSEs, and then for not selling enough properties in Cyprus. It’s fun how they come out of the interviews and back into the holding area with the other candidates, and their faces undergo a massive change. From the “oh shit, they know I’m a fraud” face as the leave the room, into “ha, they offered me a billion quid a week and a Ferrari made of blow jobs”.

Stuart wants to be Alan’s business partner, and pitches an idea to Margaret about microchips. She sarcastically asks if he’ll be giving 110%, and he replies with “Yes! Genuinely!”. “YOU ARE NOT A BRAND”, Claude tells him. “I think I might be” replies Stu. “I’m a big fish in a small pond”, Stu tells him. “You’re not even a fish.”

Joanna is strong, and so her interviews are more nit-picking over minor parts of her CV and business.

Stella gets a grilling from Alan Watts, who isn’t impressed that she started out as a PA. Sorry that they didn’t hire her to be the fucking Queen, mate.

Baggsy’s CV claims that his Telecoms firm is fully licensed. Bordan digs through the bullshit, and it turns out that his firm is only licensed as an ISP, and Baggs admits that it isn’t true. Livid.

THE BOARDROOM 1 – ALAN’S MATES

Alan cosies up to Margaret, but unfortunately there’s no catfight with Karren.

Madge is a big fan of Joanna, as is Claude. Bordan doesn’t believe she knows enough about business.

Wattsy likes Chris’s qualifications, but thinks he needs too much positive reinforcement. There’s hilarious japes about how neither Bordan or Alan have received praise from Alan. Hur hur hur. Although Nick defends him fiercely, everyone thinks Chris drones on – he’s like a Spitfire in hairgel.

Jamie is boring, and Margaret wasn’t impressed with his talking without saying anything: “I’m a key cog in a wheel”. She realises it is meaningless. They think Jamie passes the buck when there’s someone to blame. It’s mummy and daddy’s fault he did crap in his GCSEs.

Stella is too “corporate”, which is something else meaningless they keep saying about her. They seem to be fans of her, though.

And finally, Stuart. A maverick, a dreamer, a bullshitting prickhole. He’s only 21, as may have been mentioned once or twice. They’re not pleased with his lie about the telecoms licence. Even Karren – a woman! – could have one.

THE BOARDROOM 2 – THE APPRENTICES

Boring Chris is boring. Corporate Stella is corporate. Jo is 25? Bloody hell, she’s had a tough life. Jamie reiterates the tedious drama of his tedious Cyprus tedious business with his tedious partner.

Alan and Stuart bicker over Stuart’s licensing. Alan straight out tells him that he’s “full of shit” and could have been through the whole process. He feels sick that Liz was fired instead of Stuart. He’s annoyed that he got away with this it for so long. And, just like that… he’s fired. And a cheer goes up through Cows Towers. Feel free to try and compete with Stu on the Isle of Man, you can get a license for £350 – http://www.iomcc.im/

Cue more bickering, and Joanna is let go. Alan thinks it’s the kindest thing. If you love her, let her go. Her floods of tears say otherwise.

“Stella [dramatic pause, like it's Big fucking Brother] you’re in the final”
“Jamie [dramatic pause, like it's the fucking X Factor] you’re fired”
“Chris [dramatic pause] you’re the only one left, ya daft cunt, you’ve made it”

Next week, Paloma and Liz <3 are back, along with, oh fuck knows who the others were. Melissa? Maria? And remember: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Comments

1. Tim says:

   December 16, 2010 at 8:04 am

   Have to say that I think Sugar picked the right two finalists, although I have to have sympathy for Joanna, who received the gentlest firing in the history of history itself, but still burst into tears anyway. I was half expecting Sugar to race round the table and offer her his hankie. (He’d have only tried to charge her for the service, though.)

   Oh, how we’ve missed Margaret! The line of the night (as she talks about Chris’s academic achievements):

   “I wouldn’t be surprised if he put his certificates in frames and his idea of a fun night is to sit and admire them.”

   The final should be fun, as ever, as we get a mix of genuinely helpful teammates and those who are desperate to air their egos one last time. We’ll see the return of Paloma, Liz, Joanna, Jamie, Melissa, Christopher, Alex, and – gasp! – Shibby. I’m willing to bet that Shibby gets picked last, like the fat, bow-legged kid at school for school sports.

   http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2010/12/16/baggs-runs-out-of-blags-as-chris-and-stella-reach-the-apprentice-final/

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