Take Me Out: Series 2 Episode 1 by Tim Ward
It’s back! The show that makes Snog Marry Avoid seem highbrow… IT’S TAKE ME OUT!
Bulls on Parade
These men are stood up in front of a group of thirty women who turn off their lights if they don’t like the man in question – no likey, no lighty. The whole thing is hosted by the UK’s 3rd Most Famous Boltonian after the Kay Brothers, Paddy McGuiness.
If there is one light left on, the guy gets a date…not just any date, a holiday! If there’s more than one, he chooses who he likes best for the date. If no lights are on, he heads home for a wank and cry.
Think Blind Date, with bits of Dragon’s Den.
The second series started on Saturday and what a treat it was.
Paddy herds out the girls who look like the worst hen party ever. Legs and tits everywhere. Especially the last one whose knockers could have their own MP.
Paddy has a bit of banter with the girls first, one of which is clearly Ulrika Jonsson. Paddy then asks a girl dressed as a belly dancer what she does…”I’m a bellydancer” and out she comes to dance, for no fucking reason.
As with the last series, there are twins in the gaggle. Sam and Cat…Scat for the sake of argument. Sam says “everyone prefers her”, which I image true as she is clearly the better looking of the two. Still rough as a sack of dog’s bollocks though.
Finally, what seems like an hour later, Paddy brings out the first guy from the ‘Love Lift’ – a phrase that in no way can be related to street prostitutes.
Still more likable than Peter Kay
Next comes the video section where they interview the lad and we find out more about Jimstin Beckerary. Loads of lights go out as soon as the word “football” is mentioned.
Funniest Light-off Moment: Danny’s brother says “He’s a good mate and someone everyone wants to be around” BOOM, light off from some bint.
His hopes dwindle as his two “mates” talk about him having small feet. Just four lights left. Danny then goes and narrows this down to 2. Alesha – who is the one from earlier made entirely of breasts – and Vicky. He asks them if they’d shag David Beckham if they’d been dating our Danny for six months. Neither admit to being whores and say exactly the same thing. He turns off Tits McGhee and is off on holiday with Vicky! YAY!
Vicky is replaced by “part time model from Reading” Fern! And onto lad #2! A human checkers board! Adrian from Hampshire is where a black and white check suit and looks like a Duran Duran tribute act fallen on hard times. Eleven girls are so desperate that their lights remain on, but Scat’s lights are off.
His video tells us he’s an architect, loves the countryside, plays polo, taking his cat to the pub – the usual. Four lights left.
He now sits atop a fake horse, ready to hit balls into nets labelled true or false to which he will respond to Paddy’s ‘facts’. One light goes off out of the sheer ridiculousness of how her life has turned out. “You’re a secret rocker, with 10 guitars”…”True…” ALL LIGHTS OFF. And he’s gone. Walking off alone, while the whole audience, the girls and Paddy sing “All By Myself” which isn’t demeaning at all and won’t result and severe mental anguish.
Bloke 3 is “Alastair from Lanarkshire”. Becky left her light on as “he’s cute and cheeky and I quite like a man with a tie that I could take off”. Which may well be the most unsexy flirty comment ever uttered. His video shows him being a farmer and one of his sisters saying she wouldn’t like him to date a girl who “was false, been round the bloke or tried to control his life” – one girl is all three of those and the light is gone. The bellydancer likes the outdoors as she “was actually born up in Yorkshire” and is obviously a bit dim. Scat’s lights are off.
Fit
Jugs is replaced by Carla from London. And the final lad is up, it’s Ian from Norwich. For his video he reveals “I’m a cage fighter” one light off “and I’m undefeated” three more off, as these women would prefer a useless cage fighter we assume. “I like fighting” isn’t best to tell prospective dates, so more lights off. He pretends to be cage fighting Paddy and more lights go off. He isn’t even allowed to beat Peter Kay’s best mate to death without some shallow tart getting uppity.
He’s left with Fern and Lucy. He terrifyingly declares the apocalypse and how they’d spend their last night before being cast into damnation. “A meal and we’d go out dancing.”, I doubt any clubs will be open on the Eve of the End of Days but there we go…Lucy says they’d “play scrabble spelling out naughty words.”
He picks Fern! And that’s that. One hour later, we’re all a little dumber, most of the girls are more desperate. Here’s to next week.
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A little confused as to what you expected from a Saturday night gameshow? In depth personality analyses? A discussion of the implications of the Irish bank bail-out? I sincerely doubt any of the girls are expecting to find a life partner – it’s a giggle and a chance to be on the tv!
Nice to know that a degree in journalism from Sheffield and a steady girlfriend confer on one the ability to take light entertainment so seriously though – a little more work on the condescending tone and a job on the Mail surely beckons. I expect they’ll have someone who can proof-read it for you – that would be “been around the block”, to mention but one.
Surely as a last resort there’s always the Off button?
Yeah, Tim. You prick.
Go home to cry and wank? Crank?
And I agree. You prick.
Alright Lou, calm it down.
You seem to know a bit about me, and yet don’t seem to know that I enjoy the show. I love Take Me Out. I also love Jersey Shore.
The tone of this blog is a humourous look at a humourous show.
I’m a little confused as to what you expect from a blog on this website? I imagine you found it either by following me or shoutsatcows on twitter. If either of those are true, then surely you know what to expect?
The general idea behind these blogs, and I’ll ensure I write this as patronisingly as possible, is too amuse… You know, maybe raise a smile on the reader? Poke a bit of fun at a lighthearted show?
As for the proof-reading, you need to ask shoutingatcows themselves, as they’re the editor, and I pretty shite one at that.
As for the off switch, I watched in on ITVPlayer on line, the off switch would be a drastic solution to an internety window. I couldn just close the window. Didn’t think of that did you? No, thought not.
And anyway, if I turned it off, threw my laptop in a lake and then blew up the lake, how would I write this blog? And then what would you fill your life with?
Applications for Take Me Out has closed.
But you know, thanks for reading.
Much love x
P.S you must actually be pretty funny yourself as you critise me for taking Take Me Out too seriously, while taking my blog too seriously. That’s a special type of wit right there.
Much love x
The Cage Fighter, Iain on “Take Me Out”. Basically he claims he is ‘undefeated’. You mean he’s being doing a Joe Calzaghe.(Hence, his fights have been hand-picked). And another thing, he totally botched up “The Mount Position” on Paddy McGuinness.
I just cannot believe some of the young ‘ladies’ on the show were buying into all of this.
I agree with Richie, I’m fed up of girls not knowing the correct way to apply cagefighting/MMA/UFC moves. Idiots.
Nobody can say anything about Joe Calzaghe, hes beaten the best that has been around at the time. theres nothing more you can do. Joe calzaghe is britains best boxer for a very long time! to go a whole career unbeaten is unreal. Its a shame england have to rely on Amir Khan? Glass Chin!! Joe Calzaghe, best fighting technique there has ever been, hence why he never got hit. IDIOTS!!
I just laughed very, very hard and may even have done a small wee. Thank you! Honestly, just thank you!