After having slightly less than 24 hours to recover from the night before, The X Factor final Final unleashed its shouty wrath upon us.

We were promised SUPERSTARS! TENSION! EXCITEMENT! We knew we would get NONE of these things but we hung around anyway because we had invested nearly all our lives in this whole sorry affair and you don’t give up when you’re so close to the finish line.

This time, instead of everyone who’d ever sung ever, the legitimate final three started caterwauling through ‘Never Forget’ for the sole reason that Take That had not appeared yet and were scheduled to as part of their contractual obligations. And lo! They appeared! As if by magic! No, really, it was as if by magic – they had only been on Strictly not 10 minutes before. Take That may well hold the secret of time travel and Gary has cleverly hidden it in their lyrics, safe in the knowledge that science types are statistically 76.23% less likely to listen to Take That than other people.

Anyway, it’s safe to say it was a mess. Wand Erection looked terrified that they were somehow staring at their future, Rebecca decided not to sing in tune and Matt, well, he just did what he normally does.

Then in case we’d hastily arranged all our memories to be eviscerated from the previous night, we were treated to the whole of the previous night’s show again. That’s what it felt like at least.

After the break, some more singing happened. Matt was up first again and sang a girls song again. Strangely though, he was singing ‘Firework’ which Katy Perry herself did a few weeks ago. Understanding this was the Netto version, the production people didn’t even bother to give him a sparkler let alone actual fireworks shooting out of his arse. There’d have been the danger that the fireworks overshadowed the ‘performance’.

Having not learnt that the outside broadcasts don’t work, Dermot valiantly tried to listen to Stacey in Colchester again. We could see her this time and she’d found a woman who’d made a pizza version of Matt’s face. His face recreated in a pizza. Mentalists…

Simon got Wand Erection to sing ‘Torn’ which would have been perfect if they were teenage girls who’d just been dumped in 1997. As it was, it was slightly odd and not quite right. Harry was getting well into it though. All the men watching hoped we’d get to see his mum again. We didn’t.

Next we had Rebecca singing a HI-NRG number which involved her performing complex dance moves in a street style. No, no we didn’t. Of course we didn’t, she wasn’t going to surprise us now was she? Instead she stood on another plinth and didn’t move but belted out ‘Sweet Dreams’. And it was rather good if you ignored all the crazy binbag ladies dancing around her. There’s a crazy binbag lady in my town who stands in the middle of roundabouts and shouts at the sky. She could well have been there.

Not content with having already shown us the previous show all over again, they showed it to us all over again. Brains across the land slowly started to give up as we were in danger of slipping into a national coma.

What better way to snap us out of it though than showing all the complete MENTALS from the auditions to point and laugh at? And what better than to get a collection of them to drag ‘Bad Romance’ onto the stage and club it to death like a poor baby seal? I thought they’d stopped doing this bit in previous years because it is generally considered cruel to laugh at the mentally deficient but Simon obviously knew that this year’s final was going to be SO BORING that he had to do SOMETHING to keep people interested. Even if that something was morally questionable. He joked at the end that Cheryl was going to work with them all on a record and it was painfully obvious that nearly all of them believed him. When Dermot made it clear it was probably a joke, their faces were akin to a small child’s finding out that Santa ISN’T REAL. Ooh Simon, you bully, you.

After that car crash, it was down to serious business – declaring third place. TENSION! Matt was through – there was no tension there, we knew this would happen – and we waited to hear Wand Erection’s name called….

And we waited…..

And…. it wasn’t!!! Rebecca was through to duke it out with Matt. CONTROVERSIAL! DEVASTATION! No worry though, Wand Erection’s album will be out in the new year. Along with the dolls that Simon has already had made.

So, now we had to listen to the potential winner’s singles. Yeah, you heard. Singles. For Simon had decided that since a vaguely uplifting anthem from a Disney starlet wasn’t good enough to beat Rage Against The Machine, he would be DYNAMIC and let each act have a song to “better reflect their personality”. Maybe Rebecca would’ve been perfect for John Cage’s ‘4’33’ in that case.

Matt decided that to show he was “credible”, he’d take a Biffy Clyro song and drown it in his weird womanly way. Rebecca was lumbered with a Duffy song. I can’t even remember what it was but it managed to send my baby off to sleep again. I think she should release an album of lullabies for babies – it’s clearly where her strengths lie.

Even after all of that, we had half an hour left. What to do, what to do? There was a rumour that Prince was supposed to be performing. Which would’ve been aces. He obviously had better things to do as we got Take That. Again. Robbie was brilliantly wildly out of time and tune and you could see Gary mentally calculating how long he had to tolerate this gurning manchild for. If he makes it to the first show of the tour, I’ll be AMAZED.

Anyway, Dermot filled more time by asking The That who they thought would win. Jason plumped for Matt, Gary plumped for Rebecca and Robbie plumped for Wagner. Except Wagner wasn’t there and he had to go and remind us, ripping open our barely healed wounds all over again.

After the disappointment at the lack of Prince, at least we had Andi Peters and his CD machine to look forward to after the break when the winner was announced. A silver lining in an otherwise moribund and boring world.

Dermot couldn’t even be bothered any more to try to create tension and just blurted out that Matt had won. And he ALREADY HAD A COPY OF THE CD. Where was Andi Peters and his CD machine? We were ROBBED!

And so that was that. Matt won. His album will be out sometime in the new year. And Rebecca lost. Her album will be out sometime in the new year. The rest of us can forget that any of this ever happened.

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