National Pride? Screw Wills’ Wedding, This is What We Love… by shoutingatco.ws

As you may have noticed, the most popular couple since Posh and Becks or Jade Goody and terminal illness, are to get married next year. Wills and Kate – who the hell goes for “Wills”, anyway? William, Will or Bill are the only acceptable choices – are a Royal Couple, and therefore better than YOU. Look at yourself, you’re disgusting.

April 29th, the wedding day, will be an extra Bank Holiday, where we should get out the bunting and have street parties, like it was 1956 – and not 2010 and with a rubbish economy. No, the bank holiday will probably be spent like every other bonus day off: wasted hours of wanking and considering leaving the house.

The way that the papers have been banging on, you’d think that it was the most important union of our times, rather than a privileged toff marrying a girl that wouldn’t look twice if he were the son of a binman from Burnley.

It’s the sort of thing that makes you proud to be British, they say, unconvincingly. 92 page colour supplements in Saturday’s edition. Commemorative plates with an unofficial photo of the couple not looking into the camera. Columns of advice, written by someone who’s never met the couple. This isn’t at all what it’s like to be British. Happiness at someone powerful being successful? No.

These are things that actually make me proud to be British: Supporting the underdog. Hating the successful. That unspoken eye-rolling of “well, it’s shit, but what can you do?” when accepting that everything is mediocre. Tabloids that print predictable lies about celebrities, which we snort at in derision, but then devour hungrily. People bothering to manipulate phone votes on reality shows. 13 year old boys caked in Lynx Africa, pretending to inhale cigarettes. The Tube getting more packed, warmer and pricier each year.

The American Dream? Imagine that in England! The whole country is a celebration of mediocrity.

As things get shitter, we accept it with a begrudging nod, before snarking on Twitter. A nation of people surrounded by idiocy, with only sarcasm to protect them from madness.

And one balding guy in his 20s marrying a girl way out of his league… that just isn’t going to make me smile. Even if we do get the day off.

Comments

Leave a Reply