If we were pitching an article at the Daily Mail, we know that there’s a few topics we should avoid. “Our Top 10 Black Friends” or “How the Human Rights Act Guaranteed Me a Fair Trial”. If there’s one other thing (and there’s not – there’s hundreds) that can froth the Mail readers up into self-indulgent rage, it’s someone better off than them pleading poverty.

Charlotte Metcalf’s spectacularly misjudged piece about her Christmas shopping woes has wound them up a treat. And it’s not hard to see why, with drivel like this:

Five years ago … I would have thought nothing of spending £45 on a pot of gold-lidded lusciously scented body cream as a Christmas present for a distant cousin.

With the recession hitting hard, poor Metcalf’s consumeristic, materialistic arse-wipe friends are struggling too:

Many of my friends are in quiet despair. One girlfriend told me that she’d planned to spend only £50 on her 15-year-old daughter and yet the same daughter is now asking for an iPad, which can cost more than eight times that.

What if her daughter wanted a million iPads, which costs more than eight million times that? You’d have told her to do one, right? DO THE SAME THING, YOU SHITHEEL PARENT.

Still, it must be tough having been through a recession, good that you invested wisely and didn’t fritter away cash on frivolous bullshit.

I used to buy ribbons from VV Rouleaux — now their price of £50 for velvet and silk ribbons seems truly shocking. Obscene, even. So I was thrilled to spot a six-pack of gold twine at Tesco for £2, and I’m hoping that will do the trick.

Oh, er, never mind.

At least Ms Metcalf has writing to fall back on: “These days, I am lucky if I earn £500 a week as a writer.” £500 a week, or £26,000 a year is well above the national median (£20,801). She IS still well off, but is too caught up in her mental fantasy world where it’s okay to spend £5k on a pot of jam or £300 on anti-wrinkle balaclavas for the dogs.

Best of all, bits of the article are lifted from a general “woe is me, I can’t have gold flakes on my cereal any more” piece written by the same Metcalf. Double the money for half the work? Smooth work, Metty.

Five years ago, I worked in film and was earning £1,200 a week.

My partner and I started a new business and we borrowed and borrowed and bought a country house alongside the two we owned between us in London.

We practically rebuilt it while I fussed over the kitchen, oohing and aahing over Farrow & Ball paint and butler sinks. We moved to the Cotswolds and I even bought another cottage as an ‘investment’

vs.

Five years ago, I earned £1,200 a week from my work as a TV and film producer and would have thought nothing of spending £45 on a pot of gold-lidded lusciously scented body cream as a Christmas present for a distant cousin.

Now, I live in a two-bedroom rented flat in West London and my cousins will have to make do with little ­trinkets for their children only.

So how did this happen? Put simply, my partner and I started a new ­business four years ago, and we ­borrowed and borrowed and bought a country house alongside the two we owned between us in London.

We practically rebuilt it while I fussed over the kitchen, oohing and aahing over Farrow & Ball paint and butler sinks. We moved to the Cotswolds and I even bought another cottage as an ‘investment’.

As for the comments, we are pleased to report that DM readers are seeing sense:

Excuse me if I have misinterpreted this article – I was unable to finish reading it through a blur of tears for this poor woman who can no longer shop at Harrods and struggles to earn £500 a week through writing such preposterous, insulting rubbish.
I can only assume this is a sick joke.
- Pearl, Brighton

We salute you Pearl, but as a Daily Mail reader, we are still going to assume that you’re a reactionary racist.

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