The X Factor 2010: Episode 9 by sel
It’s semi-final time! Rebecca claims to have been CHALLENGED even though she’s been the same EVERY SINGLE WEEK! Mary has turned her back on Tesco! BieberLites Wand Erection have become BOYMEN! Cher claims she’s never wanted something so much in her life with a look on her face that suggests she would knock you out to get it!
Somewhat disappointingly, Dermot’s trousers are rather looser this week. Simon makes up for it though by forgetting to button up his shirt. A nation heaves into its snacks.
Rebecca will probably make the final
Anyway, Rebecca goes first and is apparently desperate to show us how DYNAMIC and DIVERSE she is. We’re promised dancing. A nation holds its breath…. then exhales as it transpires that Rebecca is either paralysed or completely immune to music and therefore cannot dance even though she’s singing ‘Show Me Love’ which is quite definitely a song that makes you dance.
No matter, Tesco Mary was up next with at least 10 tubs of Quality Street. Oh no, sorry they were her dancers who were probably doing some sort of interpretive tour de force for ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’. It was as you’d expect from Mary – shouty and a bit out of tune and SHOUTY. But at least she moves, even if it is like a hoary old cougar waiting to pounce in a nitespot on a cruise ship.
Given that we were being subjected to Club Classics, it was inevitable that someone would do the Florence And The Machine version of ‘You Got The Love’. And of course it was inevitable that it would be Matt With The Hat who did it, the bizarre, lady-voiced boy that he is. We were prepared for Matt being rubbish by being shown at least 15 minutes worth of footage of him being ill and his mam bringing him a cup of tea. And he was rubbish but mainly because he quite clearly had Ill Sweats going on which is never a good look.
Not to be outdone, Simon revealed that he too had been ill but also had gotten to know Matt better over the week. The mind boggles….
Cher will probably make the final
This should be the point where we see Wagner but we don’t (*sob*) so it’s straight onto Wand Erection. Ah bless them, they’re not even old enough to go to a club so naturally they rework ‘Only Girl In The World’ to make it sound like they’re singing about YOU! They will make YOU feel like the only girl in the world. They look like they’re having the most fun you could have if you were seventeen and had hot backing dancers and girls screaming at your very existence. Ah what the heck, I enjoyed it.
After all that frivolity though, we were back to the business of Serious Singing To Get To The Final. Poorly Matt was up first and had missed the memo that ‘She’s Always A Woman To Me’ was the song from LAST year’s John Lewis Christmas advert and so he had missed that bandwagon completely. He also missed several notes but pumped out buckets more Ill Sweats. Sympathy alone will see him through to the final.
Mary decided to beat up ‘The Way We Were’ with some super duff notes. She was crying by the end as was everyone else though we suspect not for the same reasons. She tried to come up with some sob story about why it meant so much to her but you know, she was picked over Wagner so we don’t care.
Cher decided that she was so super magnificent that she could do both Eminem’s and Rhianna’s parts on ‘Love The Way You Lie’. She was wrong. Only Dannii dared to say it though and suggested that maybe she should’ve just sung a ballad. Only the comforting restraint of Dermot prevented Dannii from being happyslapped back to her dressing room.
Mary... will probably be back here on Monday
So, to the results and the inevitability that Mary will go home and we’ll have Cher, Wand Erection, Rebecca and Matt With The Hat to fight it out to the death.
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