It’s the semi-final results show! Cue flashing images and drama and overblown music! BE EXCITED!

Alexandra Burke apparently won something similar to X Factor – oh wait, she DID win X Factor – so she gets to sing some song that’s probably really heartfelt or something but everyone’s too distracted by her hairline and the dancers on wires spinning around in the air to listen to it. And then she gets pulled up on wires and it’s all very odd. Oh right, she’s re-issued her album and pretends that everyone’s a winner, baby. Except it’s not the truth.

So we get to see last night’s show again and I’d completely forgotten that Wand Erection sang ‘Chasing Cars’. Literally erased it from my mind. I did that when I watched ‘Daredevil’ – I had totally blanked that I’d watched it but then that’s not surprising, it is an awful film. Can you tell that there’s a lot of filler going on on screen?

Then we get to see Glee. Because we’ve never seen them sing ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ before. There’s a painful video intro from “Sue Sylvester and Will Schuester” which even Simon winces at before, oh god the surprise!, they mime away with prancing and stuff, proving that stuff like this should never be taken from its context. Plus everyone knows that Glee is only awesome because of Jane Lynch.

After one of the world’s longest ad breaks, Dermot gently insults the judges who ignore him before Will.i.am gets his contractual obligation fulfilled by having him and Fergie and The Other Two perform that bizarre song they have out at the moment – you know the one, sampling that Dirty Dancing song and sounding like they’ve pressed all the demo buttons on their Casio keyboard. To be fair they are doing it live and in outfits crafted from broken Dysons. No one watching appears to understand what’s going on. Not even Jack Black who is mysteriously in the audience.

Dermot tries to eke out some tension before announcing Wand Erection (and I swear he actually says Wand Erection instead of One Direction) are through to the fight to the death. Then Rebecca’s through and oh goodness she looks happy and actually jumps up and down! And then Matt With The Hat is through which we all knew would happen and…. oh god, the boring tedious predictability of it all means that we know Mary will get voted off to launch a SuBo style career and Cher will live to see another singrap-attitude-filled day.

And lo! It happened! Mary shouted her way through ‘A Man’s World’ and Cher cried and gurned her way through some Britney ballad and the judges strung it out for far too long before Mary got cast aside.

So next weekend is the final. Which would reasonably be construed as being the most important week ever in the history of weeks. Can’t wait.

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your Name

E-mail address

We have absolutely no interest in e-mailing you,
selling your details or sharing your address.

Website

Comment

Captcha

Submit Comment