This is a guest post from the wonderful Emma Cave. She’ll be doing tellywords for you all. Like this.

I have a dream. Well alright, maybe not a dream exactly, more a suicide mission. Despite the likes of More 4 and BBC2 eager to buck up my ideas with their cerebral choice of programming, what do I go and do? Decide to catch up with repeats of The Only Way Is Essex, a ‘reality show’ which makes The X Factor look like Newsnight in comparison.

I wasn’t sure what to expect after all that hype, but Wikipedia tells me that this is a programme about ‘real people, in modified situations, saying unscripted lines but in a structured way’. In other words, Hollyoaks.
Unsurprisingly, there is very little that is real about any of this lot – tits, tans, teeth, tears are all obvious fakes. And that’s just the men. Although I use the term loosely after watching giant inflatable Mark and strange Ross Geller / Paul Danan hybrid James pluck each others eyebrows in preparation for a speed dating event. This has been blatantly set up by the production team so that:

1. James can have a crack at some Essex birds
2. Mark and his ex Lauren can have a ‘talk to the hand’ style showdown
3. Amy and her ex Kirk can have a moment
4. The rest of the cast have some screen time

I’m sure you’ve heard all about Amy, that girl wot thinks she is the new and improved Jordan TM. She has been forcing her face out of the covers of OK and Closer magazine for weeks now. Kirk is the poor man’s Alex Reid though. She’s going to have to upgrade if she wants to stand a chance of pushing the Queen of Mean off her plastic throne.

I don’t know what is going on with Mark and Lauren, but he’s an absolute arse and although she doesn’t deserve a whole lot better (or at least not until she sorts that eyeshadow out) I hope the production team doesn’t force these two back together. She’s somehow managed to find herself a job doing something or other for Essex Fashion Week (I know, right?) and now she gets to measure male models all day, so I’m sure it won’t be long before she’s strutting round the Pitcher and Piano with one of them on her arm instead.
Seeing as the programme makers get to mess around with the ‘cast’ for our viewing pleasure, I think they need to take full advantage of their obvious malleability. Here are some scenarios I’ve dreamed up which would make The Only Way Is Essex truly unmissable television:

1. Everybody is required to wear authentic Victorian costume and learn how to speak and act in a manner befitting the period.
2. Nobody is allowed to tell Amy that there is live CCTV footage being broadcast from her bathroom
3. Mark is trampled by a herd of cows and must undergo several painful operations to remove the hoof prints from his face
4. Make it into a musical
5. Set it in space
6. Get Jeremy Paxman involved

You can bother Emma on Twitter (Emsbabee), or check out her blog – http://emsbabee.blog.co.uk

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