I’m A Celebrity 2010: Episode 15 Recap by Bren

Disclaimer: Dear Mr Bin Laden. Thank you for your email. We would like to apologise that we reminded you that Dom went to the same school. Please can you take that gun away now?

Episode 15/Day 17

Here are today’s headlines:

• Shaun was a naughty boy at school
• Kayla looks fantastic in her swimming costume
• But she needs to have something in her mouth, because her voice is starting to grate

It’s the aftermath of Gillian’s eviction (which Shaun celebrated by shouting ‘Good choice, public!’). As her camp colleagues (that still looks wrong) followed Gillian down to the bridge – to make sure she really did leave, obv – the slebs were already discussing how their lives would improve in her absence. That’s just cruel.

is that a carrot in your airbrushed mouth, or are you just pleased to see me?

Later, over a mid-morning latté cup of hot water, they discuss who will do the next single-handed challenge. Dom volunteers and Linford proves he’s a complete and utter arsewipe by saying that Dom’s redemption (redemption from refusing to spend the night in the cave with, erm, Linford) will take a few days. Karma, Linford. Karma.

Karma chameleon

The challenge is called Savage Garden Centre. That’s a clever name, isn’t it? Because (and not many people know this) Garden Centres were invented in Australia, and they were invented by Paul Savage of Queensland. I may have made that up to protect my brain from the mediocrity that IACGMOOH is trying to inflict upon it tonight. Is it just me who feels this episode is very lacklustre? No? That’s good.

Dom enters the challenge zone. In front of him are a line of garden gnomes (Ant or Dec). In front of them are some painted garden ornaments which hold clues as to where the stars that Dom has to retrieve, might be. Dom gives this challenge a lot of effort, but he’s rewarded badly with just a few. However, the big score of the night – for the viewing public at least – is when Dom scatters shit over Ant or Dec. I L’dOL.

Dom bowls into camp (it’s that word again!) and announces his score. Argos successfully channels my five-year-old nephew once more. He has the most childish straight-to-camera tantrum I’ve ever seen. Why is he still on board? No, seriously. Why?

The producers give us a segment called The Best Days Of Our Lives which is based on school. Message for the IACGMOOH production crew: If you think schooldays were the best days of my life you really are from a different planet. And also, but more importantly, if your schooldays were the best days of your lives, you’ve wasted every single second of every single day (and night) of your 20s and 30s.

Shaun launches into a series of anecdotes about how he majored in climbing, breaking and entering, vandalism and theft. The scene around the campfire quickly resembles the Monty Python ‘Three Yorkshiremen’ sketch, as the slebs attempt to outdo each other with tales of their naughtiness (or in Shaun’s case, downright criminal activities).

After a commercial break, a segment called The Magnificent Seven is inflicted upon us, to remind us that there are just seven slebs left. Thanks for that, ITV. I was wondering how many we would have if we started the show with eight and then said goodbye to one. The production of this episode is starting to feel horribly contrived and very amateurish.

Argos tells us a hilarious tedious anecdote about how he went to Magaluf earlier this year. Cracking stuff, Argos. Dom’s riposte is a pithy ‘That sounds like my idea of hell’. I notice that Dom has started calling Stacey ‘The Duchess of Dagenham’. We need to get a message to him, it’s ‘Princess Stacey of Cameltoe’.

The latest Celebrity Chest challenge is an invitation affair for Jenny and Kayla, because the participants will have to wear swimming costumes and, let’s face it, the staff in the production suite have decided they don’t want to see Dom and Linford. As they walk to the zone Jenny tells Kayla she hasn’t had time to shave her genitals. Nice.

Kayla strips down to a smile and very little material. Jenny puts on 14 layers to avoid any comparison, and they get on with extracting teeth from a crocodile’s mouth. Not a real croc though. During the challenge there is an excessive amount of gratuitous camerawork emphasising Kayla’s charms. I think the director has many great things in front of him. Including puberty. Perhaps this explains why he thinks schooldays are the best days of his life?

Jenny and Kayla achieve the goal, stop the clock, reach the key and struggle back to camp with their over-full chest. We are then made to endure the most contrived parlour-type game in the history of contrived parlour-type games. A new depth has been plumbed. A new low has been reached. ITV have gained a new listing in the Guinness Book of World Records: Shit TV section.

However, as a result of getting the answers right, the slebs win a prize! Can you tell what it is yet? Yep, they get the illegal spices from Gillian McKeith’s knickers.

The gang put these spices to use by congregating around the campfire and having a fucking argument over who’s doing the cooking, how it should be cooked, which herbs and spices should be added, when they should be mixed in and who the person who will be doing the mixing should be. During this pointless argument, Kayla’s incessant Valley Grrrl nasal drone is heard too much and too loudly. She falls out with Linford. He stabs her with a carving knife. No he doesn’t.

Ant or Dec appear, as if by magic (or feet) to announce that Linford is to leave the camp for being too tall or something. The most surprising thing about this result, is that there must be thousands of people voting to keep Aggro in, to whom the obvious question must be put… WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

You can follow ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’ on ITV but, let’s face it, you’d rather be reading about it here. And who can blame you.

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