I’m A Celebrity 2010: Episode 12 Recap by Bren

Disclaimer: The slebs don’t know how lucky they are: no x-factor!

Episode 12/Day 14

We’re back in the jungle with the creepies, crawlies, reptiles and Gillian McKeith. Woohoo! For some reason my head is full of The Smiths titles. I really don’t know why and hope it won’t influence this recap.

The bottom two in tonight’s vote will go forward to a head-to-head. The loser will get chucked out on their arse. But who will it be? Heaven Knows.

Today’s individual Bushtucker Trial is called ‘Creepy Crawlie’. There’s a bit of an inquest around the campfire about who should do it. Dom gets stuck in by asking who hasn’t actually done a trial yet. Bigmouth Strikes Again. The answer is Britt and Kayla. Argos has an attack of chivalry and volunteers to get stuck in a close-fitting, moist place. I think he misunderstood Dom, when he said the challenge was Kayla’s tunnel. Kayla looks as though she’s going to burst in to tears with gratitude, because her idea of a challenge is to eat canapé that’s one day past the ‘use by’ date. While psyching himself up for the challenge Aggro says ‘Vamos!’ a lot. When he’s firing on all cylinders he plunges in to the tunnel, gets three stars and – ‘Vamos!’ – he bails out. Panic.

Later, back at the camp, it’s time for the second round of the Dom and Stacey Secret Mission. Their first task is to recruit someone else to their secret squirrel club. But first Stacey has to attract Dom’s attention. Hmm… After considerable thought she hits upon a cunning plan: throw a stone at him! The unsuspecting Dom is busy relaxing in a hammock when he is smite smote smitted hit in the face by a Stacey-propelled missile. His reaction is comedy gold of the finest calibre. Actual wee leaked on to the couch as we watched a puzzled/amused/outraged Dom try to figure out what just happened to him. Our two spies sneak off to the bog for a giggle and to discuss who they are going to recruit. It’s Jenny – who else but Jenny would fit Hand In Glove with these two lunatics? Dom approaches Jenny who agrees to be recruited to the jungle equivalent of The Tufty Club. Jenny lets Stacey know she’s ‘in the club’ by stage-whispering ‘I’m with you’ in her ear.

The first joint task for our fearless threesome is to put out the camp fire. Jenny executes a McKeithesque fall while carrying water and succeeds in almost but not quite putting it out. Argos snatches victory from the jaws of defeat and flames are soon licking upwards. What a bastard. On the most thinly-veiled pretext since someone said MPs expenses should be secret to protect, erm, the MPs, Dom and Stacey get everyone else to leave the camp to allow Jenny to get on with the job of putting it out. L. O. and indeed… L. Later our secret agents have to call people by incorrect names. There was more weeage.

When the next commercial break is over, Shaun and Gillian are hauled off to undertake a chest challenge. As far as Shaun is concerned, having to spend time in the solo company of Gillian sucks more than a toothless nonagenarian 20-Baht whore from one of Thailand’s less salubrious districts. But he puts up with it. Grudgingly. Their task is simple; wade in to a lake, retrieve a bunch of floaty things which have keys attached, haul an ENORMOUS rubber duck out of the water and use a succession of yon retrieved keys to open a chest attached to said plastoid Anatis. Shaun is driven quackers by Gillian. Sorry about That Joke (that’s enough The Smiths references, Ed). She’s so useless that he has to babysit her and it is as plain as plain could be that he doesn’t want to babysit Gillian for any amount of anything. There is bad language. Gillian objects. There is more bad language. Gillian’s ineffectiveness means the relatively simple task takes three hours. Shaun’s pithiness brings to mind the character Gene Hunt. I can’t help wondering if Gillian is as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.

As punishment for being a complete waste of space, Shaun refuses to help Gillian carry the chest back to camp. This is a brilliant tactic that highlights just how useless she is.

Back in the camp, Gillian winds Shaun up to amazing heights and the likelihood of seeing her blood appears to be a real possibility. Shaun’s ‘You’re not only a bullshitter, you’re a lying bullshitter’ seems a platform beyond negotiation but Jenny shows remarkable ‘issue solving’ skills. Seriously, I’m impressed. If humanity had three Jenny Éclairs and put them in the Middle East, we could solve the Israeli/Palestinian conflict within months. She pours oil on troubled waters (in a non-polluting kind of way) and quickly takes the heat out of the situation.

I like mixing my metaphors. Which isn’t a Smith’s song.

It’s announced that Allison and Kayla are to meet each other in the head to head, but we have to wait until tomorrow to see that.

You can follow ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’ on ITV but, let’s face it, you’d rather be reading about it here. And who can blame you.

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