I’m A Celebrity 2010: Episode 9 Recap by Bren

Disclaimer: We don’t need disclaimers where we’re going!

Episode 9/Day 10

We’re welcomed to the Aussie outback by a smirking Ant or Dec. Smirking’s been done boys, it’s so yesterday.

After a very brief introduction we are gleefully zoomed back to last night in the prison where, with the predictability of the discovery of her first grey pubic hair, something is annoying the hell out of Gillian. Shaun snorez. She is unable to sleep. So she wakes him up to complain about the noise. And then she has a go at him. Gillian’s selfishness sets the tone for much of today’s show. The producer is in danger of making IACGMOOH all about Gillian McKeith, which is pretty much what my Twitter stream is anyway.

Later in the day there’s a gathering around the Jungle Jail; Stacey and Jenny on the outside hang around Sheryl on the inside. Gillian, as the topic of conversation, lurks nearby. ‘I shouldn’t be here’, says Gillian, wearily. And accurately. Stacey agrees. ‘Gillian, you’ve got all these fears and phobias, you might as well go.’ Go Stacey! But not in a ‘leaving the jungle’ kind of way, obv.

gratuitous shot of Stacey Solomon

Even though it was Gillian who said she shouldn’t be in the jungle, hearing someone else repeat her own logic is too much for Gillian. ‘Just go over there!’ she snaps nastily at Stacey. Stace wanders away and bursts in to tears. What a bitch Gillian is. She tries to rationalise her outburst by saying to Sheryl, in her most patronising delivery, ‘I know you don’t understand phobias’.

In her defence, Gillian is consistently inconsistent. Within the space of five minutes she tells us, ‘I’m here because I can’t break the contract’, ‘I’m here because I have a TV career’, ‘I’m here because I can’t lose face’, which are all followed by ‘I’m here because I’m trying to face up to my phobias’. She’s full of more shit than Westminster sewage farm.

gratuitous shot of Gillian McKeith

Meanwhile, Ant or Dec announce that the lines are open for tomorrow’s challenge: Super Scario. But Allison and Britt have been excluded on medical grounds. And Gillian’s been excluded on grounds of being thoroughly objectionable.

After a cup of tea and a mince-pie (this jungle lark is all very civilised in our house), Dom and Gillian troop off to the challenge zone where they’re presented with swimming costumes. Ant or Dec ask if either of them have any idea what this challenge might be about. Dom looks at the swimmies and hazards a guess ‘Something to do with aviation?’ Everyone laughs. Except Gillian, obv. The Junglists are shown a pool of water and a large rabbit-hutch type crate. They have to get in the crate and retrieve stars as the hutch is lowered into the water. Gillian says she can’t swim and has a phobia of water. Dom looks at her as if she’s just said ‘Done a poo.’ A comedy exchange is had:

Dom, incredulously: ‘You can’t swim?’
Gillian, defensively: ‘Well no. But I can walk along and move my arms.’
Dom, incomprehensively: ‘Technically that’s not swimming.’
Ant or Dec, seriously: ‘No, that’s walking.’

Tears are wiped from eyes all over the empire.

It’s at this point, under Dom’s rapier-like probing of Gillian’s past challenges, that her lies about not completing the digger challenge start to unravel.

Something must have happened off-camera; a word in the ear of a shy, retiring female perhaps? The next thing we see is Dom and Gillian in the hutch, in their cozzies and the water gradually rising about them. Dom encourages Gillian in a tough-love ‘get the fuck on with it’ kind of way. ‘Why are you screaming?’ He asks at one point. She has no real answer. Dom continues to be encouraging; he might be a helping hand in a glove, but the hand inside the glove is made of steel. ‘Come on Gillian,’ he says calmly. ‘There’s a crocodile approaching my buttock so I’d rather you hurry.’

some buttocks

For health and safety reasons I need to point out to the producer that there was a really nasty moment when Gillian ducked below the water and the underwater camera gave us a full-frontal groin shot. Nasty. However, once again I have a begrudging respect for Gillian because she did put tremendous effort in to this challenge. Entirely due to Dom’s encouragement. In his part of the challenge, Dom shows that each of his cojones are bigger than an elephant head. He stays remarkably calm under pressure and scores 100% in his part of the task.

Our heroic victors spoof their way in to camp with faces as black as thunderous skies; as a result you could hear a pin drop on an alligator’s scrotum. Then Dom announces they scored 11 out of 12 and, in an honest way, he bigs up Gillian’s performance.

Just before the commercial break, Kayla wanders around in a semi-naked state. I put the kettle. There may have been smirkage.

We return to the continuing group challenge, Scales of Justice. Today’s idea is to take as many worms as possible out of a pot, and cram them in to a small hole. The losers will be the two people with the least wormage. But! The pot the worms are in also contains bugs, creepies, crawlies and one spider officially classed as an eleven on the Fuck-Off-Sized Spider scale.

not the Spider Ferrari

scarier than this

one of these!

Stacey does a brilliant impression of the spider, which I can’t do justice here. Dom, as we know, has a fear of spiders. He has resolved to take his prison sentence like a man, so hangs back and does nothing. Kayla’s breasts jiggle as she jumps up and down. She does a lot of jumping up and down. Stacey does another hilarious spider impression. And Kayla’s breasts jiggle. After a while Dom calls time, he is quickly followed by Stacey. As they troop off to jail, Kayla’s breasts jiggle. Dom sums up Stacey as a ‘a kangaroo cock munching jailbird’. Sounds excellent to me. Except for the kangaroo bit, obv.

Later in the day, Linford observes that the people outside the jail do all the work, while the folk who are locked up lie around on their beds all day. Dom notices that the jail beds are more comfortable than the camp beds. The people are nicer in jail too, he says. You can’t fool us, Dom. You’ve got Gillian in there! But there might be the germ of a political crime and punishment moral in there somewhere. Britt does a straight-to-camera piece which worries me; not so much what she says, as how her top lip looks. It seems to be under pressure. I can’t help wondering what plastic surgery she’s had done to it and how it’s reacting in the jungle.

During the preparation of the evening meal (if you don’t want to know what it was, look away now) of goat’s leg, sweet potatoes and vegetables, Jenny and Kayla have a spat over absolutely nothing. Kayla does one type of food preparation and asks Jenny to do something else. Jenny takes exception at being asked to do something by someone a quarter of her age and five times as good-looking. She wibbles off to the outer perimeter and has tears.

Ant or Dec sneak in to camp to announce that Argos and Stacey are to face tomorrow’s challenge, ‘Super Scario’.

But, owing to the completely unforeseen event The Apprentice on BBC2 Rangers v Man Utd on ITV1, there will be no IACGMOOH tomorrow. See previous comments abut the handy utilisation of ITV2, ITV3 and/or ITV4, if they existed in this world.

You can follow ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’ on ITV but, let’s face it, you’d rather be reading about it here. And who can blame you.

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