After Saturday’s Beatles night, we’ve got all the fallout and excitement packed into tonight’s Results Show! But before that, here’s 55 minutes of the highest-budget fuck all they can manage. Featuring Olly Murs! And the return of all the eliminated folks to butcher Heroes! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, John Adeleye AND FYD on the same stage AT THE SAME TIME.

LAST NIGHT! WAS! BEATLES NIGHT! FEATURING SONGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN BY THE BEATLES.

IT’S TIME! TO FACE! THE MIMING!

But before anything can actually happen, it’s a recap of last night. Mary: Sang. Katie: Sang. One Direction: Sang. Paije says “prove” in a way that makes it sound like “I pooed myself”.

18 months ago, Olly Murs was working in a call centre. Give it another 18 months, and he’ll be back there. In the middle, though, he’s here tonight, in all his “Val Kilmer Got Fat” glory. The song is abysmal, generic bouncyness. Cringeworthy accompaniment from a bunch of dancers marching around in suits, with bowler hats and umbrellas. Why? Oh, who knows. He should be embarrassed. Olly: Your children will hate you. Thoroughly unconvincing standing ovation by Mr Simon Cowell. Dannii Minogue finds time during the performance to update her Twitter.

This year, the X Factor has chosen David Bowie’s Heroes to ruin for Christmas. All 16 acts are back – yes, that means Nicolo, Treyc and the other ones you’d forgotten about. To lighten the mood before Aiden shows up, we get a dramatic video about a soldier who stood on a landmine. Oh, c’mon, the X Factor, we saw more than enough of this charity guiltmongering on Children in Need (or we would have, if we’d watched it.)

Belle Amie still haven’t learned to sing, but they have legs. Whoa! Remember Paije!? Wait… he’s still in it? One Direction can’t muster up any kind of gravitas for the situation. JOHN ADELEYE! He only gets to do backing vocals. Inexplicably, Wagner doesn’t get a solo. Smoke machines? Glitter falling from the sky? Soldiers singing? What the flying fuck is going on. This is bizarrer than Wagner doing… just about anything, actually. None of the soldiers wanted to be there, they preferred to be shot at in Afghanistan or Liverpool.

The results are in etc. Six will go through, two will sing it out. Katie through first. Blimey. One Direction, obviously. Rebecca, fair enough. Matt, obviously. Mary – booed! Wagner, Paije or Cher, then? And Wagner does it! There is not enough awesomeness in the world. Every single fucking idiot that phoned in. Brilliantly done.

So, Paije and Cher to sing again.

Paije is kinda upbeat and happy, but to be honest, we were reading the “Paije, you remind me of a little insert black person” jokes on Twitter. He’s going anyway. Cher sings Stay – again, because she didn’t bother rehearsing an eviction song – and looks like she’s about to have a wee breakdown every time the camera zooms in on her.

The crowd chant “We Love Paije”, and Cher is about to cry again. This is brilliant, watching a vulnerable teenage girl having a breakdown live on the telly. Cowell votes for Paije to go. Cheryl agrees, and votes for her own act to stay. Dannii sticks one back for Paije, because she has to. Racist Louis now. Will he send Cher home, and take it to deadlock? Or Paije, and continue his ethnic cleansing of the show?

Paije is eliminated by 3 to 1. We’ll miss him. Or, er, miss going for a piss break during his songs. He’ll be on Daybreak tomorrow, then a cruise ship next summer.

Next Week: The Wanted, Justin Bieber and Nicole Schrödinger. Bugger.

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