I’m A Celebrity 2010: Episode 4 Recap by Bren

Disclaimer: absolutely no disclaimers were harmed during the watching of this show

Episode 4/Day 5

We join the boys as they wait for the girls to arrive. Christ, this sounds like a Famous Five party. I wonder if Timmy will be there? That’s a Famous Five reference. Oh do keep up. Anyway, the boys are brushing their teeth and sprucing up the camp. Except for Shaun, who sits on a log in front of the fire, smoking fags.

Speaking of logs, I have a question. Who is the Keeper of the Toilet Paper? I can’t recall any toilet paper action in this series. Are they just not dumping, or is this more heavily edited than previous series?

Anyway.

The girls arrive to hugs.

Gillian starts whining about drinking-water. Then she whines about worms. And then saliva. Shaun says that Gillian rubbed him up the wrong way and my head explodes. It takes my wife half an hour to clean up the gunge.

Linford takes Gillian away from the camp and kicks her head in gently explains to her that her attitude better fucking shape up could be more diplomatic. I am pleasantly surprised by Linford. It doesn’t last.

Later, Stacey gets hauled off to her challenge: The Australian Job. It is exactly as I said it would be, two days ago. Stacey has to get ten stars in ten minutes from the inside of a bus that is teetering on the edge of a cliff. And the bus has various bugs and creepy crawlies crammed in to dark little cracks. You have a filthy mind, you know?  Stacey has a brave go at the task, but sadly gets just four stars before she falls out of the back of the bus. OK, she didn’t succeed at the task but she put effort in to it the job. What’s not to like about that attitude?

After the break we’re introduced to the two new arrivals:

• Dom Jolly. The man who became famous for shouting in to an oversized mobile phone in inappropriate places, and
• Jenny Éclair. The woman who became famous for erm, umm, humm… She has a mole, does that count?

Our two intrepids are helicoptered in to the bush, where they are shown a pair of canoes to progress their trip up-country.

Dom took one look at the boat and said, ‘I’m alright canoeing. I married a Canadian’. Dom is in danger of being labelled ‘the funniest person in the camp’. That’s not much of an accolade.

‘It’s a bit Deliverance’, said my wife from her corner of the couch. Moments later Dom said ‘Have you got a banjo?’ I’m impressed with both of them.

The two new arrivals have to spend a couple of hours in ‘The Shack’. From now on it is to be called ‘The Lurve Shack’, just because I like the B52s. While they take their seats, I notice that Dom has a mole beside his nose. Have they both been chosen because the share the same type of facial, erm, feature?

Every now and then a large tray is put in The Lurve Shack with Dom and Jenny. Inside each tray is a star. And about 284,518 creepy crawly wriggly things. Our brave young things have to get the stars from each tray and put them in a safe place where no-one else can find them. I get an image of a family-sized tube of KY and Gillian bending over. It quickly passes, thankfully. Early on in this challenge we learn that Dom is a big girl when it comes to spiders and that Jenny has bigger testicles than he does. This is a FACT.

Meanwhile, flashing forward 24 hours, we learn that the next challenge is called Aquatic Strife, and that involves baby crocodiles, water, keys and stars. If those baby crocs learn how to operate padlocks, the world will be in deep shit.

We’re then shown how easily the women integrated in to the men’s camp. An element of this involved Britt telling Lembit to give up his bed and Lembit doing precisely what he was told. It’s impossible not to notice that Lembit is a knob, even when he was giving his bed away. Amazing.

Gillian showed a world-class amount of twatishness when she bulldozed her way in to the foodstore, and retrieved and scoffed a passion fruit that the boys had been keeping back. Is she incapable of understanding the concept of sharing? Well yes, she clearly is, and I apologise for asking such a blindingly obvious question.

Shaun took exception to Gillian eating the passion fruit. This could be the start of something that might hang around for a while, like a particularly nasty fart. But what do we call it? Passiongate? Fruitgate? Passionfruitgate? Gilliangate? Cowandgate?

The next day Gillian invents an outbreak of cabbagegate because the boys had eaten the cabbage she wanted for her breakfast. *SHE* wanted for breakfast. She really is a selfish twat. Shaun retaliates by raising Passionfruitgate again. Stacey is gobsmacked at the hoo-ha. Lembit says something and I fall asleep until he stops talking.

Moments later Britt has a row with Lembit because he’s chopped up a lemon too small. Lembit says something and I fall unconscious again until he shuts up.

Ant or Dec say something funny about Lembit. Then they say something funny about Dom Jolly waking up with an Éclair next to his bed. Hooray! The scriptwriters have finally come on shift.

Dom and Jenny have to call the Slebcamp on a special phone line that’s been set up for them. The aim is to get someone to come and rescue them. The Slebcamp let the phone ring for what seems like three days, but maybe it wasn’t. Nigel eventually picks up the handset. Dom and Jenny give him instructions to come and rescue them. Nigel fails to ask who is on the other end of the phone. Or maybe he has Super Powers and was able to deduce who it was. Or perhaps he’s coming down with jungle-fever.

Fear not! Nigel might have lost some of his social skills but he hasn’t become a complete Lembit imbecile. He gathers up Shaun, and off the pair of happy wanderers troop, to fetch the immigrants.

On the return trip the Outbackineers pass some fungi. ‘Oooh, mushrooms,’ says Dom. ‘You’ll know all about those, Shaun!’ Amazingly Shaun lets him live.

As they enter the camp Dom wisecracks that it resembles ‘Tenco’, the meaning of that swishes straight over the heads of everyone under 35.

In a rush to form new alliances and break old confidences, some minor betrayals take place between the newbies and a couple of the oldies. It’s like watching kids in a playground. Not that I’ve ever done that. *cough*

Britt describes Gillian to Jenny as ‘very anal’, and as a result I have the worst possible image in my head and I feel nauseous. Nigel tells Jenny that Lembit is very mad. Linford got Jenny Éclair confused with Su Pollard. Jenny’s already showing signs of being stir-crazy; she’s been in the camp for five hours and she seems on the verge of cracking. Lembit says something and I fall unconscious again, but when I come to I have a new name for Gillian. Henceforth she’s to be called ‘Dr Who-isn’t’. Geddit?

As part of a mini-challenge Linford and Lembit are called away to perform a charades-type quiz. For each correctly-guessed response, a Sleb will get a previously nominated ‘luxury item’. Beat that in mind, it’s important later.
As a result of correct guesses:

• Shaun gets hair gel
• Drwho-isn’t gets a face mask, but unfortunately it’s not *that* kind of a face mask, it’s just make-up
• Stacey gets a blanket
• Kayla gets Vaseline (Hmmm…)
• Sheryl gets face-cream
• Dom gets a camera (wahay!)
• Linford gets moisturiser
• Lembit gets a photograph (but we’re not told of what – or who)
• Britt gets four AA batteries for something [NB, we made this one up]

As things settle down the inhabitants cook and eat dinner. To put everyone at their ease, conversation ensues.

Linford’s post prandial pontification displays an astonishingly misogynistic quality. Stacey is outraged and rips in to him. I lover her, I really do. When he expanded on what he was saying he showed that he had been clearly misunderstood and that he was only a minor misogynist. Stacey slapped him down again. Lucky guy. I can’t help wondering if Linford’s view is because he might be a bit of a cunt?

After lunch Ant or Dec materialise and reveal that – surprise, surprise – Gillian has been chosen by the public to face the Aquatic Strife bushtucker challenge.

The show closes with the news that another Sleb will be joining the gang tomorrow.

We here at Shouting at Cows are thrilled to be able to reveal – and this is a World Exclusive! – that the new entrant will be…

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