I’m A Celebrity 2010: Episode 3b Recap by Bren

Disclaimer: Argh!!!

Episode 3b/Day 4

Because the ITV programme schedulers failed to understand that ITV would *want* to show the third play-off of the Lithuanian second-division women’s netball semi-final (southern region) on ITV1, I was forced to endure the pain of watching ITV2s IACGMOOH offering (called ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! NOW!’) for you. And you owe me for this. You owe me big time.

The lead presenter is Caroline Flack. She was wearing… Well, frankly, I don’t know what she was wearing. It was the most bizarre outfit ever; a purpley/pinkly one-piece shorts/short-sleeved top that might have come from… Ah fuckit, I haven’t the faintest idea where that outfit came from, except ‘out of a tortured mind’, that’s a cert.

pardon my autoflash

By the way, out of shot she’s wearing… wellies. I know, it’s messing with my head too. Caroline has an annoying ‘tilt your head to change your vocal intonation’ thing going on. It’s a little bit ‘Valley Grrl’, a little bit ‘London Grrl’ and totally fucking annoying. She also has the body language of a thirteen-year old. In fact, she is so annoying it’s impossible to like her.

Because Caroline has the personality of a Barbie-doll’s dog-chewed left leg that’s been found in the garden after six months of being buried in the vegetable patch, she is backed by a panel of Dawn Porter, David Guest and two people I haven’t the faintest idea who they might be or what they do, and my caring of these things is on the same level. I feel confident that both of them will be in the jungle in the next series.

Russell Kane is on the show too, but apart from doing a 2-minute stand-up routine that was unfunnier than a bumpy trip to Accident and Emergency to have a partially-sharpened stick removed from one’s anus, his contribution is less in value than that of a pile of three-day-old dog shit.

I learned from watching this show that the reason this show exists is to provide commentary and social evaluation on (wait for it) the main ITV1 show.

Amazing.

So even though the main ITV1 show wasn’t shown, the Powers That Be in ITV let this one go ahead? This is cutting-edge thinking from the folk at the top of the ITV tree. I look forward to the next ‘after match autopsy’ from ITV, even though the game was shown on Sky Sports.

The panel talked about how well some of the Slebs had fitted in – or not – and showed us a montage of three-day old video of stuff that you read about here earlier this week.

I can’t help wondering who watches this shit, apart from Russell Kane’s mum, obv.

Oooh, Sonia from Brighton watches this show because she’s on the phone. Is that what they do on this programme? Talk to people in the UK from Australia? Wow, what a stunning piece of television.

And now we satellite-link over to London where Caroline talks to Brian Dowling live on the line. Caroline asks Brian meaningless questions, nothing much is discussed. Or decided.

Caroline and Russell then read out tweets from people who say they are famous. Russell reads one from Sue Perkins (‘off of Mel and Sue?’ said Caroline, just in case we didn’t know who Sue Perkins might be). Caroline reads a tweet that purports to come from Kirsty Allsop. Kirsty (if it is her) supports Nigel. Caroline follows this up with her opinion that Kirsty ‘… seems like a Nigel fan’. Fucking hell, shoot me now someone, shoot me now please!

Caroline segues in to a caption competition where there’s a shot of Kayla on her back with her legs in the air. Caroline says they have ‘had lots of entries. Yes that’s right, I used the word ‘entries’.’

Aaaargggghhh!!!!! Fuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckoff!!!!! These twats are getting *paid* for this? I mean, money?

Our panel examines the Slebs’ behaviour so far and come up with this list:

• Nigel: grumpy old man
• Lembit: a child in a grown-up body. But he has a 21-year old girlf so that makes him cool (really?)
• Stacey: classy
• Linford: is a little bit annoying

For some reason beyond comprehension, that’s all they talk about. So there are only four people in the jungle now?

After a break which doesn’t quite last long enough, the show is back and this time we interview… some of the people who work on the show! Fucking fantastic. The non-entity interviewees recall memorable moments from series of yesteryear. This is really great! Cutting edge television. Not.

Anyway, the Slebs…

Caroline introduces a three-minute montage that includes crammed-in footage of:

• Britt doing a straight-to-camera piece on *cough* ‘the lady’s wash, where you do the… important bits’. Stay with me baby, this is one of the highlights! Did anyone else pause for a moment to wonder if Britt’s ‘important bits’ are the same as Kayla’s? Or Stacey’s?
• Aggros revealing that there’s a TV camera in the pool. Really? Excuse me a moment while I wonder whether Stacey fancies some quality pooltime?
• Shaun is concerned that he can’t smell his socks
• Linford does the Classy Shot in the waterfall. Unlike Myleene, he goes topless! I remain less than aroused
• Kayla recounts an anecdote that she was once told that the word ‘gullible’ had been taken out of the dictionary and she asked why
• Shaun continually rearranges his knackers, the red shorts they are given to wear should be examined for signs of life
• Linford cuddles (actually cuddles!) up to Gillian
• Kayla does some kind of ‘bunny hop’ exercise that has all the male members in the camp mildly interested
• Britt and Linford reveal they’ve both made records and neither of them can sing a note. (I think of Jedward and think: ‘plus ça change’
• Gillian gives Kayla a topless massage. Let me reword that. Kayla takes her top off and Gillian massages her. Look, I’ll try just one more time; Kayla lies on her tummy, takes her top off and Gillian massages her shoulders. There, you’re disappointed now, huh?
• Stacey says she loves kebabs and Nigel says he’s never had one. I think there’s a relationship brewing here. I can see the Vauxhall Nova in Basildon town centre with ‘Stace’ and ‘Nige’ written on the windscreen.
• Shaun asks Nigel how his arse is. That’s nice.

And then we’re back to the panel who read out tweets and take the occasional phone call from viewers. More quality televised entertainment. Sadly, after ten more minutes of the television equivalent of ‘fingernails down the blackboard’, it is time for the final round of adverts to envelop and comfort my tortured brain.

We know that the two new inhabitants of the camp will be Dom Jelly Jolly and Jenny Eclaire Éclair

I wish I had something good to say about this show, but I don’t. It’s an hour out of my life that would have had more value if I’d been asleep.

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