The X Factor 2010: Episode 6 Results by shoutingatco.ws

Thank the Lord: All our prayers have been answered! An hour just wasn’t long enough to contain The X Factor’s results show, and this travesty has finally been sorted. Tonight, it’s a whole extra fifteen minutes long, to cover everything that happened on Reg Dwight Night. What did we do to deserve this? What the bloody hell are they padding out the extra time with before Katie’s elimination?

As it happens, Take That, Westlife and JLS are gracing us with their presence. How lucky are we? It’s like Louis Walsh has been allowed to book the guests as a birthday present, or something.

IT’S TIME. TO FACE. THE RESULTS.

Cheryl has cleavage and it’s… we can’t… bloody hell… er, iodfhioj dsgiojh vosdigj vndsi dnigsnds

Ah, Danni’s face – that’s fixed that problem.

GROUP PERFORMANCE. It’s mimed, well choreographed and sickeningly twee. The song, after almost 15 minutes of arsing about with Google, is Sonny J’s “Can’t Stop Moving”, a massive hit that peaked at #40 just two long years ago. That was uncomfortable. Creepy little puppets.

JLS! CAME WITH A DREAM! WHICH CAME TRUE! AND THEY HAVE A CAREER! WITH AN ALBUM! AND A HORRENDOUS REWORKING OF THE SOUND OF MUSIC! They sing from the bottom tier of a giant wedding cake, surrounded by violinists-cum-security-guards (by the way, is it only us that laughs when a football match report mentions a “cross-cum-shot”? No, it’s just us). Their intricate hair-cuts annoy us. Goes on a bit, like. Dermot flirts awkwardly with Oritsé.

Massive recap of what happened last night, in case you’d forgotten. Louis and Cheryl have a bit of a row over Katie being rubbish. Louis snaps that “at least I voted”. Cher is “on top of the moon”.

WESTLIFE! YOU COULDN’T PICK ANY OF THEM OUT OF A LINEUP! IS THIS THE ONE WITH RONAN KEATING? ARE THEY STILL GOING? WHAT IS LOUIS DOING UNDER THE DESK? They sing that song that’s exactly like the other ones. This could be a medley of their greatest hits and we would be none the wiser.

In a Wii advert, JLS sit on a sofa, looking like they’re enthusiastically competing at Soggy Biscuit.

Dermot interviews the judges, and unwisely drinks some of Louis’ water. There’s seven different men’s… no, we can’t do that one.

TAKE THAT WERE A BAND. ROBBIE WILLIAMS WAS A SINGER. TAKE THAT GOT BACK TOGETHER. ROBBIE HAD A CAREER STALL. ROBBIE REJOINED TAKE THAT. TONIGHT. THEY SING TOGETHER. FIVE BUT NOT LIVE.

Howard appears to have been homeless for the last ten years. Jason has one of those shrunken heads, like from the olden days circus. Mark is ill-advisedly wearing a silk scarf, and channels Richard Hammond. Barlow is looking rugged, and we mean that in the gayest way possible. Fuck off, Robbie. “I’m a straight man, and this is the most exciting day of my life”, agrees Dermot. Album comes out tomorrow. That’s a neat co-incidence.

Lines are closed AND the results are in. Seven will be safe, two will sing-off, and one will sod off.

Coming back next week is: Cher, obviously. Matt, obviously. Rebecca, obviously. One Direction, obviously. Wagner, “boooooo”! Mary, yayyyy! Paije, really?

It’s Aiden vs. Katie in the sing, off then. “How do you feel?” asks Dermot. “Er, ” says Aiden. “What’s your song?” “Er, ” replies Aiden, coping amazingly.

Let’s be honest here, it’s not looking good for Katie, is it? Dannii has to save her act, Louis slated Katie last night, and Simon has a wee hard-on for Aiden. 3-1 Aiden wins, we predict, but of course, we’ll edit this if we’re wrong.

First though, the charade of the sing-off.

Aiden is tuneless and trips over the words of Don’t Dream It’s Over. At least it was slightly chirpier than most of his songs, hovering slightly over “concentration camp” on the AIDEN MISERY-O-METER.

God, Katie never stops singing, does she? This is the problem with an act that the public don’t like, but the judges do – she sings twice a week, every week, and it feels like she’s been on more than everyone else combined. Two chances a week to irritate. Two chances she takes brilliantly.

Simon’s obligatory “weighing up the options” silence goes on forever, much to the annoyance of Dermot (and the producer shouting in his ear). He votes to keep Katie, hilariously. Cheryl has to keep Katie, and does. Dannii has to keep Aiden, and does. All down to Mr. Louis Walsh. He’s going to save bloody Katie, isn’t he? No, no he isn’t. DEADLOCK O’CLOCK.

The person going home with the lowest number of votes is… Kat- Aiden? Aiden? Fucking Aiden? He broods on stage, minutes away from doing something crazy, such as blowing up Robin Hood airport.

Oh, well, Chinface lives on to fight another week. Two more performances from her next week, then. Aiden Grimshaw: coming to a funeral home near you.

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