You may have heard that in last week’s eviction, there was a wee bit of controversy when Treyc was booted out, instead of the far less popular Katie. The tabloids have gone a bit mad, because “Fix Factor” is similar to X Factor, and the whole thing was handled a bit chaotically on the live show, giving the impression that the production team were making it up as they went along. Were they? Probably, but after all the fuss and the revelation that Katie got 1/3 of the votes of second-least-favourite Treyc, she’s absolutely screwed this week.

IT’S TIME TO FACE THE MOOOOOOSICK!

The theme is “Elton John” this week, probably to piss ol’ Reg off after his complaints about the show being arse-numbingly boring. Will Cher sing that Tiny Dancer cover by Ironik? Will Wagner pay tribute to Princess Di with his rendition of Candle in the Wind? Will Katie sing “The Bitch is Back”, as rumoured? Probably not, no. All we know is this: someone will be doing a medley.

Opening tonight is Paije, thankfully getting him out of the way early. He met Daniel Radcliffe known for playing a wizard and standing next to Hermione. The actors from Harry Potter pretend to remember him from a turn as an extra in one of earlier films.

In one of the more charitable things we’ve said about Paije, this performance is entirely inoffensive, even though it should be. Louis calls him a little Luther Vandross (black, can sing) and soul man again (black), then has a hissy fit about Paije not having been born in 1972, when the song was released. Sorry about that, Louis. You arse.

Aiden is up second. Razorblades and warm baths at the ready, everyone. His hair looks like a camp Jedward. He sings on a table that’s been perilously placed over two grand pianos. There’s no spark, nothing to excite us. We’re sure he’s missing a lot of notes, too. It’s less Damien Rice, more Rice Pudding. We receive a text message pointing out that it wasn’t even as good as William Shatner’s version.

In the Tesco where Mary works, they’ve put a sign over a vacant checkout saying “Mary’s Till.” I’m fairly sure that the checkout assistants just take an empty till wherever, as needed. And the sign is scant consolation for those stuck in a queue waiting miserably to buy their groceries. Mary got to go to the Harry Potter premiere too – it’s part of the contract she signed to play Hagrid.

She asks if you can feel the love tonight, which we do, despite a shaky start. She belts it out at a volume that is unnerving, and gets better and better. She tells us in no uncertain terms that she’s back after having a rubbish time last week, and then warns that “me daughter’s in tonight”, in a way that should be soppy, but is actually slightly menacing.

Boooo! Hisss! It’s Katie! Let’s piss on a girl’s dreams because she’s quite annoying! (Don’t worry: we will.) This week is the Real Katie: rock chick. Her voice has no impact, and her face blends in with the backing dancers too much. Apart from her chin. Despite all confetti, lights and drama, it was no Same Difference. Louis calls it a “forgetful” performance, rather than “forgettable”, but either way, we’ll forget about this and move on.

Matt is up, to show us his best “pushing out a difficult poo” faces. He’s doing a gruff version of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road – imagine that rather than Dorothy singing it, it’s Toto. And not the 80s band. He makes a good go of a difficult song, which the judges absolutely love. We should mention that we planned to play Louis Walsh Bullshit Bingo along with the show, but even taking shots of Tesco Value Lager would have us hammered by now. He’s terrible at winding the other judges up. http://brokenbottleboy.tumblr.com/post/1505194071/louis-walsh-bullshit-bingo-get-your-own-unique

The FANTASTIC Shur Lloyd rhymes “eyes” with “prize” and “in it” with “win it” in the recap of her week: Practising for when she ends up assisting on Supermarket Sweep in 2014. Her performance is gimmick – and mad make-up – free, until she bursts into Eminem’s Mockingbird. MEDLEY ALERT! Elton John clearly doesn’t have any songs that can keep your attention for three minutes without being interrupted for a rap.

Daniel Radcliffe was also lucky enough to meet international superstar Wagner this week, which is definitely a high point in his career. He sings I’m Still Standing off of that medicine advert. This week’s dancers theme: legs akimbo. MEDLEY! Inexplicably into the Circle of Life. Dannii is openly laughing in shock, while Simon seems entranced. What the actual fuck is happening? There’s dancers waving giant bandages, a middle-aged balding Brazillian man in a gold jacket tunelessly talking along with two Elton John songs, Kylie’s sister laughing. Mental.

Poor Danny Radders had to meet One Direction, too. They’re not interested in one of the biggest young acting talents around, they’re interested in how fit Hermione is. Quite. They sing well, it’s a very good performance, and they’re less generic than most boy bands around. All this from a band with a combined age lower than Dannii Minogue. Cue lots of rubbish gags about them heading in “One Direction – the final”. We’re just bitter we didn’t think of it first.

Rounding things off – God, the show seems so short these days, what happened to the nine hour extravaganzas that we endured just a few short weeks ago? – is the gawjus Rebecca. She sings Candle in the Wind, reminding us all of that heady day in 1997, when Marilyn Monroe died. For such a – let’s be honest here – dreary song, she sparks a fair bit of life into it. She seems really nice, too. Why can’t we hate her? We just can’t, okay?

Tomorrow: Take That with Robbie, JLS with that weird bug-eyed one, and Westlife with Louis salivating. And SOMEBODY WILL BE FIRED.

Top three: Rebecca, Matt, One Direction
Bottom three: Katie, Aiden, Cher

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