I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Meet the Junglists! by Bren
Editor’s note: This is the first post by our newest writer, Bren. Be gentle with him
[warning, this article may contain traces of irony. or nut. and possibly both. that should keep the lawyers happy, right?]
Yes indeedy, the annual bunfight that is ITV’s flagshit show ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’ girds its loins and flings itself in to the Austrian Australian outback once more.
And in my desire to make some extra beer money, I’m running a book on who will be the first ‘celeb’ to go for what is now widely regarded as ‘Myleene’s Classy Shot’.
In the interest of providing a public service, here’s a gratuitous reminder of that famous Myleene photo.
To be honest, if I had a body like hers, I’d do that too. Except I wouldn’t because I’m a guy and if I had a body like hers I’d be locked in my bedroom 24/7 playing with it.
Anyway, shall we meet this year’s team?
Up front, as ever, we have Ant or Dec.
IACGMOOH would not be the same without some wise-cracking wit and humour.
But instead, we have Ant or Dec.
Oh well. Into every life and all that.
If you believed the rumours about the jungle playing host to Gail Porter, Lizzie Cunty Cundy, Boy George and Jedward, you’re going to be disappointed. Except about not seeing Jedward, obv.
Shouting At Cows is thrilled to announce that the 2010 ‘Celeb’ team will consist of:
Linford Lunchbox Christie is a former British, European, World and Olympic 100m champion. Linford has a really big cock. Allegedly.
Kayla Lunchbox Collins is an American Playboy model. I’m not sure what one of those is, having never actually bought Playboy. But looking at photographs of her, she obviously owns shares in a Glossy Pink Lipstick Manufacturer. Kayla has enjoyed a really big cock. Allegedly.
Britt Lunchbox Ekland is a Swedish actress who is really famous for going out with some men. She had a bad botox experience a few years ago; I hope she’s over it now. Britt used to go out with Rod Stewart and he is a really big cock.
Sheryl Lunchbox Gascoigne (that’s enough Lunchbox jokes, Ed.) is famous for, umm, erm, hummm… Well, she used to be married to Paul (Takeaway) Gascoigne. I guess that makes her an ex-WAG. I will confess that Sheryl is an enigma. I also don’t know how big her cock is.
Nigel Havers used to be a serious actor, darling. He’s been nominated for BAFTAs and everything! He’s also been in British soap opera Coronation Street, which I didn’t know until I started researching this. I don’t want to see Nigel’s face first thing in the morning without makeup, because I might mistake it for a relief map of Argentina. There’s a rumour that he has a really small cock but I couldn’t possibly comment.
Gillian McKeith is a television nutritionist who has occasionally upset obese people to the point of making them cry. She’s perhaps best known as being a bit of a cunt on Twitter. Gillian has two children so at least she knows what a cock is for.
Lembit Öpik is an ex-MP and a former TV Weather Girl and Cheeky Girl botherer, which makes me wonder what he’s doing now – apart from appearing on IACGMOOH, obv. Lembit speaks fluent Estonian and German and a bit of English, which will be handy in the Australian outback. If you go to Wikipedia and type in the word ‘cock’, you get a picture of Lembit.
Shaun Ryder is Mancunian bundle of fun best associated with the Happy Mondays, Black Grape and Gorrilaz. They’re bands, grandma, do try to keep up. Shaun has also hit the headlines for alleged substance abuse and having his bad teeth fixed. Shaun could be the dark horse of this series, keep an eye on him. But not on his cock, obv.
Aggro Santos. Who? (probably a cock)
Stacey Solomon came third (which is an unfortunate turn of phrase. Unless we’re talking about a foursome, obv) in British television sitcom ‘X Factor’, in 2009. There’s a rumour that she’s had her boobs done since then, but I ignore chaff like that, preferring to concentrate on her vocal talents. Which brings me to… Stacey’s vocal talents are precisely how you might imagine an asthmatic Frank Spencer would sound. If he was on speed. But she sings well. I imagine that Linford Lunchbox will be all over Stacey like a rash. If that happens, there may be cock involved.
You can follow ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’ on ITV, but frankly, coming back here every day and reading about it is probably more fun.
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© 2012
Just adding a new entry to my “list of reasons it’s a good thing to have emigrated to America.
Number 473: ‘I wasn’t even a Celebrity, get me out to there’ is not available on any US TV channels. Not even Net3 (and they show ‘Keeping up appearances’ on 24 hour rotation).
I give it 2 days before Lembit Öpik stabs Shaun Ryder in the neck with a shank made from a sharpened chicken bone in an argument over which Cheeky Girl is which. I also predict much unprompted ‘singing’ from Aggro Santos in an effort to secure a recording contract. In vain, of course, as it will transpire that Nigel Havers is, in fact, the lyricist behind Eminem which he demonstrates by masterfully rhyming “finger” with “king of” (as on the current travesty, sorry Eminem single) and “Apple computer” with “country estate of Lord Feltham, biatches”.
Sheryl Gascoigne to win, clearly. Gillian McKeith will voted off in short order when they catch her going through the latrines at 2 in the morning, muttering and tutting.