Nuts Magazine’s 5 Worst New Stand-up Gags 2010 by shoutingatco.ws
This week’s issue of Nuts magazine doesn’t just contain photos of ugly girls with gigantic breasts and generic banter about football. No, they’ve saved you the bother of buying any of the raft of stand up DVDs out this Christmas, by printing their “50 Best New Stand-up Gags 2010″. The 2010 is redundant, let’s be honest, but it’s okay. At least they haven’t started pretending that it’s 2011 yet, like EA Sports and compilation CD makers.
Their tagline warning is confusing and worrying in equal measures:
New pants at the ready, chaps, because this lot will have you soiling yourself into the middle of next week.
Where we come from, “soiling yourself” means doing a poo. We’re well aware of the expression “piss yourself laughing”, but, er, doing a poo because of Ricky Gervais? Probably not.
The real problem with the article is that the jokes don’t necessarily translate well from the stage onto the page. They’re out of context, there’s no intonation, no gestures or facial expressions to accompany them. So while we’re sure that the lucky crowd who decided to spend an evening in the company of Lee Mack enjoyed themselves, the jokes just don’t work when transcribed by a Nuts “journo” with a copy of the DVD.
Here are our five favourite incomprehensible jokes:
Cricket is, of course, practised in Scotland as a homosexual martial art
- Frankie Boyle
This doesn’t even make sense. Not even a little bit.
Why would I want to delay the start of a washing machine? In case a pair of shitty pants come into fashion?
- Rhod Gilbert
So you can go out and the clothes will be ready to hang up when you get back, you berk.
My dad put my horse down. She said, “it’s the kindest thing.” I said, “He used a lawn mower.”
- Rhod Gilbert
My dad’s… a she? Who is talking to whom? Who’s using a lawn mower? How do you kill a horse with a lawn mower?
You always had a mate during a water fight use a Durex Extra Safe condom. What was he trying to do? Put someone in a coma?
- Kevin Bridges
If I’m honest, I’m sick of the number of times my mates used Durex Extra Safe condoms during water fights. Couldn’t stop them. Trying to put people into a bloody coma! What. Are. You. Saying?
The internet’s a wonderful thing, especially when you come home from work and everyone’s in bed and you need something to help you relax
- John Bishop
LOL PORN IS INHERENTLY FUNNY AND THERE IS PORN ON THE INTERNET.
The best new jokes of 2010, ladies and gentlemen. The best new jokes.
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Terrible article! Rhod is just trying to be funny, pretending to not understand for comedy value and its funny. Extra safe condoms are thick so they r heavy, so they hurt, exaggeration again cuz its funny, you berk. No need to have a go at the girls in nuts! Chill out, no need in attacking people you don’t know, you fucking twat (insulting you is ironic there, pointing it out cuz u dont seem 2 understand basic comedy concepts).
nick on November 23, 2010 at 3:06 am
Terrible article! Rhod is just trying to be funny, pretending to not understand for comedy value and its funny. Extra safe condoms are thick so they r heavy, so they hurt, exaggeration again cuz its funny, you berk. No need to have a go at the girls in nuts! Chill out, no need in attacking people you don’t know, you fucking twat (insulting you is ironic there, pointing it out cuz u dont seem 2 understand basic comedy concepts).
Hey Nick, witty comeback there, I’m surprised Rhod didn’t use that “you fucking twat” line, would have probably put him in first place.
Or maybe you just need to chill out, no need in attacking people you don’t know… oh the irony! Where’s the chortling smilie?
This article is painful. How can you not understand what Frankie Boyle is saying? Give it some thought simpleton.
Ah yes, the wit and humour of Frankie Boyle, the unfunniest man alive. Unfortunately.
Does it say specifically what day I’ll be shitting myself until? I want to mark it down in my diary. I’ll use a brown pen, for obvious reasons. (BECAUSE POO IS BROWN.)
OH MY GOD, like, how can you not understand that these jokes are FUNNY!?!?! I mean, they wouldn’t call them ‘jokes’ if they weren’t funny would they? Haha.. Stupid face.
Yeah, and Rhod is obviously misunderstanding how washing machines work ON PURPOSE because that is what FUNNY PEOPLE do! Maybe if you were clever enough, you could have misunderstood the jokes in this article and tried to be, ummm, funny.
Oh.
Sad face.
We all get the jokes they are just shit. Anyone who reads Nuts or Zoo is a fucking retard. “Ooh tits ‘n’ minge.” Cunts. Good article.
I’ve read this article roughly nineteen times, gone away, thought about it A LOT (too much?), and I still have absolutely no idea what Frankie Boyle is talking about.
this article is shit, pointless and annoying.
RE Dave: \Anyone who reads Nuts oir Zoo is a fucking retard\
there is alot more content than that which you described muppet.
Nuts is the worst magazine ever. Unless you’re a 14 year old boy, in which case it’s the height of sophisticated wit.