Sometimes the Daily Mail writes articles that are too horrendous for even the ashamed authors to put their names to. They will only be known as “Daily Mail Reporter”. It could be one person, it could be hundreds. It could even be someone related to you, can you imagine?

 It might not even be a person; it could be a single-celled organism, in doing work experience. But whoever or whatever the ubiquitous Daily Mail Reporter is, it is physically perfect and beautiful, always has been and always will be. I can think of no other reason for this article coming into existence.

No wonder his career has been off ‘the boil’ lately: Al Pacino shows off HIDEOUS head appendage

Yes, it literally uses the word hideous, and the word is actually in capitals. So what’s he done to deserve that? Has he worn some sort of awful unstylish hat to a fancy premiere? What a goon!

Guess Al Pacino must have really been hoping not to get ‘squeezed’ off of the red carpet.

Or maybe he’s working on a remake of the 1989 Richard E. Grant comedy, How to Get Ahead in Advertising.

Hmm, attempts at jokes involving the words “squeezing?”, “boil” and something about “advertising?” Has he done a crap advert about, uh, squeezy hats? I’M STUMPED.

 

Whatever the case there really was no excuse for the 70-year-old actor to pose up last night at the Merchant of Venice opening night in New York showing off what appeared to be a gigantic boil on the side of his head.

So a man dared to leave the house with some sort of minor skin condition. No excuse? What’s he supposed to do, become a recluse? I’m not even going to bother trying to figure out the meaning or grammar of “pose up”. 

It’s hard to believe this article actually exisits. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but reading the Daily  Mail is like war - terrible and unbelievable in this day and age, the horrors of which you simply cannot become immune.

Clearly poking out through his hair the massive boil was on clear display as Pacino faced the cameras smiling.

Couldn’t he have worn a hat or something?

Ugh, how dare he smile when he’s so hideous? It’s not like he grew a boil especially for the premiere, then went around popping it in guests’ faces. What’s next? Is the Daily Mail going to campaign for disfigured burns victims to wear a sack cloth over their heads in public à la the Elephant Man? Can we stone them if they don’t? Can we give teens an ASBO if they don’t use Clearasil?
                                                                                                             

Later in the evening Pacino wowed the crowds with his performance as Shylock, the lead character in the Shakespeare comedy.

Who cares about his fucking career, I want more information about the BOIL.

Mercifully, Pacino covered-up his boil throughout the show with a velvet yamaka, allowing the packed audience to concentrate on his critically acclaimed performance without distraction.

Oh thank Christ for such mercies! Because Shakespeare fans, or indeed any normal adult members of society, can’t possibly concentrate on one of the greatest plays of all time if one of the actors happens to have a spot on their head. He’s 70 for crying out loud. Stuff like that happens when you get old – liver spots, wrinkles, grey hair – normal stuff like that. It may not be glamorous as working for the Daily Mail, but it’s what we call “being human”. But Daily Mail Reporter is not human and for that we must all be thankful.

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your Name

E-mail address

We have absolutely no interest in e-mailing you,
selling your details or sharing your address.

Website

Comment

Captcha

Submit Comment