American Anthems is this week’s X Factor theme, so we’re celebrating that by getting morbidly obese and shooting our neighbours. Or we would have done, if we hadn’t noticed that Stuart Heritage had made the same joke earlier. The big posh shit.

If you believe the papers, it’s a Double Eviction tonight, while Katie and Mary are favourites to go. But before getting to that particular piece of excitement, here’s 55 minutes of everyone’s favourite unnecessarily long results show!

That double elimination thing is shot down pretty quickly by Dermot, who stumbles over his lines, and Voiceover Man.

Plus: The RETURN of Shayne Ward! And Kylie Minogue! And Katie doing the sing-off! We promise not to do a “famous arse… followed by Kylie Minogue” joke. Promise.

The opening Glee number is P!nk’s So What. The miming is cringeworthy tonight. As is Matt Cardle’s leather jacket. It’s a hideous performance, so sickeningly twee that it’ll make you vomit out of your ears.

Last night’s show montage follows. It feels like the less contestants they have, the longer this segment takes. By the final, it’ll run for a fortnight and have its own spin-off show hosted by Steve Jones and Alexa Chung. Paije walks past a cigarette warning sign backstage, that has been doctored to say “nuking strictly prohibited”. Probably put there before Aiden’s performance.

Shayne Ward won X Factor 2005, back when it was fairly low budget. He was in danger of falling down the Steve Brookstein, Michelle McManus route of being quietly ignored, but he’s back. BIG SHOUTY TEXT. TELLS US THAT. HE SOLD RECORDS.

For some reason, he’s performing from inside the Matrix. He gets a MASSIVE podium (that’s not a euphemism.) Nobody else gets to stand that high. We’d love to see Mary climbing the stepladder up the back, or Wagner swinging in Tarzan style to take his place. There’s no point rating his vocal performance – lob his single on iTunes, and applaud at the end, and you’ll have a pretty good idea.

Lines are closed, so don’t bother voting. Although really, it makes no difference if the lines are open or closed, does it?

KYLIE MINOGUE! WAS A WEIRD 80S SOAP STAR! WHO GOT SURGERY! AND HER ARSE OUT! AND IS SOME SORT OF NATIONAL TREASURE!

Kylie is channelling Carol Vorderman, for some reason. She gets younger every time we see her. Give it five years, and she’ll be young enough to be in One Direction. Five years after that, it’ll be a toddler dribbling on stage. And still be a more successful artist than Dannii. Her dancers have wigs on their shoulders. Wigs. Pink bloody wigs.

This’ll be appearing on Hen Night Anthems by the end of the year, by the way. “USE IT! LOSE IT! OVERPLAYED LYRIC!” “What’s the point of living, if you don’t wanna dance?” As a fully paid up member of the “standing awkwardly in the corner with a bottle of lager, instead of making shapes on the dancefloor society”, she’s absolutely right.

Like Aiden and his closet, the results are IN.

In no particular order, etc, the returning acts are… Aiden (screams), Rebecca (yay), Matt (yawn), One Direction (back-slapping), Paije (Lenny Henry), Cher (brap), Wagner (booooooerists) and… Mary!

Katie and Treyc up then, which means Cheryl will definitely lose one of her acts. We hope Treyc goes, because every time we write her name, we type “Trecy”, and have to edit it. We also hope Katie goes. Win-win, really, especially if they kiss.

Once again, Wagner is definitely more popular than Katie. That’s three out of five, at least. Should we laugh at that? Yes, yes we should. She resembles a badly-chiseled Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Her song, a cover of “Don’t Give Up On Me”, conceals a thinly veiled plea to the judges not to, er, give up on her. At one point, she shouts “sod it”, and sits on the floor, ending up in tears. All a bit mad, really.

Treyc sings Toni Braxton. It’s alright, but it’s… Toni Braxton, y’know? How excited can you get over a karaoke version of Unbreak My Heart? Not very.

Back to the judges, starting with Simon. Pause pause pause, drama drama drama. You know the drill. He votes Treyc out. Harshly, he goes to Cheryl next. Cowell didn’t have to pick between his two. She refuses to choose, and gets into the worst stand-off ever with Dermot. He only moves on when she promises to send it to DEADLOCK.

Dannii has lipstick on her face, and opts to send Katie home. It’s all down on Louis now, and Dermot is fair shitting himself that they’re running out of time. Cheryl doesn’t get a vote, because there’s no time, and so Treyc goes home with only two votes and no DEADLOCK. Harsh, but they have a history of bending their own rules when it suits them. Not like Dragon’s Den. Evan Davies wouldn’t stand for this.

Katie fights on, which we can all be thankful for. Not thankful, so much as irritated.

Amusement of the night, though, came from this mad post on Football 365:

Cheryl is an abortion. She is a f**king abortion. She is a disgrace to the human race. How the f**k could anyone prefer her to Ashley Cole? She is a dick. She is a twat. She is a f**king moronic stupid RETARDED little bitch. She doesn’t know what a f**king human is. She has no personality. She has no life. She is a mongface, a mongFEST. Fuck off.

Why is she such a bitch. Why is she such a whiny little f**kface. She’s not even hot. She’s a dick. She has a fantastic PR team that paint her as the greatest saviour of the world since f**king Diana. Calm down? Fuck off, she is a TWAT. What the f**k is the point of her being on this program if she won’t judge people? It’s a program where she is a JUDGE. And she is REFUSING to JUDGE? HELLO!? WHAT.

I’m not even joking now. If she died, who would care? Who the f**k would care? Would you? To the person reading this, think, would you give a flying f**k if Cheryl Cole died? Would you in fact be FUCKING delighted that such a f**king lowlife, cretinous, retarded jizz-stained BUCKET OF SHIT died? What the f**k is she.

I didn’t even intend to write a big rant here. I wanted to write a sentence. Maybe she’s just a f**king wum, because I’m wound up right now. Fuck her.

Comments

1. Esqui says:

   November 7, 2010 at 10:07 pm

   For some reason, Kylie was replaced with Patsy Kensit tonight…

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