News Just In – Men Can’t Win by Smack
Liz Jones writes a lot of whiney drivel for the Daily mail, but for some reason, only some of her bellyaching gets the prestigious sub- title of “LIZ JONES MOANS”. How an article, entitled Is there a man left under 40 who isn’t a rude, ignorant pig? comes under the “moan” category, but an article entitled Obesity? It’s those sickly, tiny pots of light yogurt that gross me out isn’t deemed moany enough to come under the same category is beyond me.
I did smile when I read this article though, because in it, Lizzy cries. Aw, poor Lizzy, did a nasty bad man make fun of your face, or your tits, or your existence? Let’s find out!
Let me tell you, dear ladies: the age of chivalry is dead.
I would miss the age of chivalry if I had been alive hundreds of years ago to experience it. But I’ve only been around for a couple of decades so I’ve had to muddle on by, doing things for myself like some sort of independent chump. It doesn’t stop Liz smugly including me in her little rant though, like we’re sodding sisters doing it for our sodding selves, giving each other withering smiles as our boyfriends talk about “football” or something.
Yesterday, I drove out of a car park in Kensington, London, to find the power-steering on my BMW had gone. The car wouldn’t move.
Thankfully, I was in a cul de sac, not a motorway.
I stopped and tried to pull over. My car was one foot from the kerb. I put my hazard lights on.
Next to me was a building site full of men in fluoro jackets…
Well done Liz, you presumably live near swanky Kensington and you drive a Beemer. But you can’t drive it, can you? So that negates everything, you twat. So let’s try and guess what the terrifying –sounding building site full of men in fluoro jackets did. Wolf-whistle? Shout, “Oi jiggles!”? Or go for another classic, “cheer up, love, it might never happen”?
Next to me was a building site full of men in fluoro jackets standing doing nothing.
Oh. Were they really doing nothing though? Or were they actually getting on with what they’re paid to do instead of bothering what some woman is doing in her stationery car. If they so much as looked at her, she probably would have had them hauled in for sexual harrassment, or accused them of thinking she’s some pathetic woman who doesn’t know how to handle a little car trouble.
They could see my distress when I began peering under the bonnet.
I got back in the car, and on my mobile phone to call the BMW breakdown service to get the vehicle recovered. I was in tears. Still no one bothered to help.
"Why women can't fix cars"
Right, so she’s called the right people for the job, the “BMW breakdown service” which is presumably the AA, but for aristocrats and royalty. So what’s she crying about? Because some builders didn’t come over and help her look under her bonnet? As if they’re going to have a fucking clue. The best they could probably do would be to stand around, uselessly look the car a bit whilst pretending to know things about power-steering, spill their Gregg’s pastie all over the seats and then tell you “you’re on your own, love.”
Instead, do you know what the great British male subjected me to? Three cab drivers drew up beside me, shaking their fists and swearing. It wasn’t even as if I was blocking their way.
Another van driver got out of his vehicle and banged his fist on my car. ‘You f****** cow!’ he shouted.
Has she never driven in Britian? Who hasn’t been sworn at by a taxi drivers or a van drivers? They do that at the best of times when you’re innocently driving along in the right lane adhering to the speed limit nowhere near them, let alone broken down in the middle of the road. Talk about ignorant. The van driver bit sounds like a bit of a massive giant lie though. Literally stopping, getting out of his van, coming over to her, banging his fist on her car and then calling her a fucking cow? I want proof. And I also want to give him a high-five. She is a fucking cow.
Presumably there aren’t any women left in Kensington. I can’t think of any other reason why she’s not crying over the fact no women offered to help her. Where’s the obligatory paragraph about how women should be helping each other out, doin’ it for themselves etc? Oh wait, it’s because she’ a horrible excuse for a female, acting like a pathetic woman who can’t do any sort of manual work herself in case she breaks a nail or has a nervous breakdown from the stress of it all. I want to slap her. And not a girly slap. A full-on slap with some sort of weapon. Like a man. A rude ignorant pig man.
In the midst of all this, a parking warden knocked on my passenger window. I wound it down. ‘I can’t hear you,’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you knock on the driver’s window?’
Do you know what he said? ‘To do that I would have to stand in the road and I might get run over.’
Now she wants a parking warden to stand in the way of oncoming traffic, the majority of whom seem to be insane blood-thirsty murderous taxi and van drivers and risk his very life, all because leaning over to open the passenger window inconveniences her a bit? Go and cry into your BMW-branded handkerchief, you retarded cow.
The concierge standing outside the Kensington Close Hotel came over to see what he could do. He told me this was by no means unusual. The concierge was in his late 60s, which explains a lot.
It is young men — up to the age of 40 — who behave like louts.
How does it explain a lot? So some old bloke leaves his post to see what some fanny’s doing in her car, doesn’t actually do anything and he’s the hero of the story? In another article, he’d be seemed a work-shy old pervert. But don’t worry, 41 year-old males, you’re still in line for a Liz Jones Heart of Gold award.
Young working British men: you should be ashamed.
Did this sort of foul-mouthed male really win us the war? We don’t need more aircraft carriers, we need men who are not rude, ignorant pigs.
I’m pretty sure “the war” was probably won through years of bloodshed, military planning and strategy, and help from our allies. Not through a few builders and taxi drivers ignoring some tit in a BMW. A BMW.
Did she mention she has a BMW?
Recent Posts
Newspapers
Comments
Leave a Reply
© 2012
You had the same idea as my mate Vicola: http://vicola.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/wanker-of-the-week-7/
That Liz wotsername? Complete and utter cunt.
Bloody spot on. That might be the worst thing she’s ever written, this is an achievement. It’s almost like a parody of what her articles are like.