Another day, another story about the X Factor. But it’s to be expected every single day between August and December every year so let’s not get upset about that. Instead, let’s talk about Wagner! You know Wagner, right? Aging Brazilian ex-PE teacher, can’t really sing or dance or speak brilliant English? But he’s a novelty that will no doubt wear off soon and until then we’re going to revel in the fact that he’s not plastered in make-up, rapping, or totally flaunting the song category rule by just singing any old shite so that it looks like little orphan Annie is a hero or that Led Zeppelin is your guilty pleasure. Think Jedward, but thrice their age and half the body count.
Actually, forget my totally biased description and let’s see what the Daily Mail has to say:
The 54-year-old stunned millions with his bizarre performance of the Spice Girls hit Spice Up Your Life while leering at a troupe of semi-clad women.
Perfect, that says it all. He’s old, he’s mad and he’s a sick pervert. Leaving aside the fact that he was forced into this choreography by the “creative directors” of the show – i.e. mad hooded goblin Brian Friedman – and has no more say in who will dance with him during performances than what he’ll wear, sing or say at all on the show, it’s the usual tripe you can expect from the Daily Mail. It’s fine for Aiden Grimshaw to be shagging one of the dancers, and for One Direction to be unable to contain their erections around the dancers, (if you believe the News of the World, which I DEFINITELY do) but if a foreign man over the age of 21 has women in bikinis in his performance, he’s “leering”. He probably is, but if the point of the scantily clad women isn’t for men to leer over them then I don’t know what is. I don’t like different rules for different fools, you know?
I know I’m not the only Wagner fan – I personally know one person who phoned in to vote for him (apparently you get to hear a pre-recorded message from Wagner himself!) and I also know he’s still in the competition. So presumably thousands of other people like him enough to spend money phoning up an expensive ITV competition line to make sure he’ll be back for another week of bongos and insanity.
However! The Daily Mail suspects there might be another, more sinister reason for his still being in the totally-not-rigged competition:
Last night, it was revealed that an internet campaign is now urging people to vote multiple times for Wagner to win the ITV talent show, which would explain how the 100-1 outsider is managing to stay in the X Factor.
An Internet campaign? What’s that again? Some sort of torture regime where innocent people are forced at gun point to vote for awful foreign men to rule the country?
It started to become clear how Wagner had managed to stay on the ITV talent show as Richard Robey, one of the founding members of the Rage Against The Machine campaign, wrote on the ‘Wagner To Win X Factor’ Facebook page: ‘Did anyone else vote over 10 times like me?’
Oh I see. Just a regular human being set up a group on Facebook, which ANYONE can do, stating that he liked Wagner, had voted for him a number of times and wondered if anyone else had done the same. Democracy is disgraceful, isn’t it? Those 10+ votes put in by Mr Robey are definitely what kept Wagner in the competition. Saying that, I do tend to do whatever Facebook tells me. Just yesterday, someone I haven’t spoken to in years suggested I “like” a band on his label that toured with Wet Wet Wet once, so I clicked the “like” button. Oh no wait, no I didn’t, because I’m not a fucking idiot.
Speaking of last year’s “Rage Against the Machine for Xmas No. 1” Facebook campaign, the DM whines,
Their success was entirely due to a concerted online campaign aimed at keeping X Factor off the top of the pop charts.
And now it seems their supporters want people to vote for Wagner to spite X Factor supremo Simon Cowell because they are convinced he won’t want the outsider to stay in the contest.
It’s so pro-Cowell’s wallet and anti-humanity that I could just cry. It’s almost as though Simon Cowell is some simple kid in an egg and spoon race that will never win and we’re all total arsewipes for accepting that fact. Simon’s making money hand over bastard fist, whoever wins the X Factor, so let’s try and make the most of it by quietly getting drunk every Saturday night and shouting at the telly when some dancer is wiggling some body part in front of Wagner’s face.
Oh, and this is clearly a much better Facebook campaign.