Unless you’re either the bride, the groom, or the poor sod paying for it, weddings aren’t really worth getting upset over. If you don’t know the couple getting married and you’re not going to the wedding then why would you care? Well, Jan Moir’s got a Katy and Russell shaped turd up her arse and she wants you to know about it.

So Katy Perry and Russell Brand. You know them, right? Internationally successful celebrities with upsetting amounts of disposable income. And they’re getting married. Here’s the kicker though: They’re having a wedding to celebrate the occasion. A wedding! But they’re not just going to slum it at the nearest grotty registry office, like kind, wonderful, decent folk. No, they’re going to spend lots of money on it, the bastards! How dare they spend money that they’ve earned on the most important day of their lives! Sure, weddings cost money but not just for beautiful rich celebrities. Ordinary, ugly, average-wage-earning nobodies cough up staggering amounts of money for these things every single bloody day, so what’s the problem, Jan Moir?

Well first of all, she’s pretty offended that the wedding celebrations are going to last a week.

Guests were first alerted to the narcisstic longevity of the proceedings by an ominous note on the invitations.

‘Please allow seven days for this event,’ it read.

A whole week! That is longer than it takes for a hip operation or to give birth to a child – even for an elephant.

Why shouldn’t it last a week? Celebrities don’t do anything anyway. It’s not like they have jobs to go to, kids to take to nursery, or a big Tesco shop that just can’t wait. They’ve all got slaves to do everything for them so it’s not like going to their mates’ wedding is going to put them out. Even if they’re not celebrities, people can take holidays, can’t they? And a fucking brilliant holiday it would be too. It’s not like Katy and Russell are asking them to spend a week flaggelating themselves whilst watching their entire family being massacred in front of their very eyes. Now THAT I don’t want to take a week off work for. But constant parties and fun? Sounds alright to me.

And why are we being reminded that a week is longer than it takes to give birth? No one is under the impression that women are in labour for weeks on end. What’s it got to do with anything? Cleverly though, the elephant just might be a reference to Jan’s next bugbear. The wedding is taking place in India. You know, that beautiful country that couples flock to every year to get married and generally have a nice time? Well Jan obviously thinks it’s gross and disgusting and foreign and WHY would they want to get married there? They’re not even from there? Referring to Elizabeth Hurley’s wedding in India to Arun Nayar, which was also disgusting and lavish, Jan whines,

At least Arun is Indian. Russ and Katy have little connection with the continent except a previous holiday – when they got engaged – and the fact that he is a Hare Krishna devotee.

How inappropriate, getting married in the country that you got engaged and is the birthplace of the religion you practice. Does India even know that neither Katie nor Russell are Indian? Someone should tell them to stop letting people who aren’t Indian into their country.

Jan’s a warm-hearted sort though who takes pity on the down-trodden and meek:

You’ve got to admit it is all a bit naff, even if it is the guests I feel sorry for. Bloody days of partying, with all the complex new outfit-purchasing and hat‑wearing which that involves, plus hand-painting and general jinking-about. What a total waste of time, even if there is a free drink in it.

Ugh, having to party and wear “complex” clothes and paint your hands? The poor guests don’t even get to wear bog-standard American/British clothes, it’s so unfair on them! How on earth are they going to be able to put on weird Indian clothes? And what are these “hats” they have to wear? Turbans? Never heard of them, but they sound COMPLEX.  Has anyone informed the guests that they can’t just rock up to the wedding in stain-encrusted tracksuits? Probably not, because Katy and Russell are so SELFISH and the guests are obviously lazy, stupid racists. But what do the bride’s parents think? Let’s not ask them or come to any conclusion based on facts, but look at this dodgy papparazzi shot instead:

Arriving in India from Pennsylvania earlier this week, poor Katy’s parents looked like they didn’t know what had hit them. And that was before they saw their daughter’s traditional wedding nose chain.

No. Apart from Daddy Perry looking like Gary Glitter, they just look like two normal people who’ve had their privacy invaded with a camera shoved in their faces on their way to their daughter’s wedding. This is PRE-traditional wedding nose chain by the way. In case you missed that, Katy’s only gone and put some bloody stupid ethnic-looking chain thing on her face like a weirdo that will cause her parents to obviously have a stress-induced heart-attack and die on the spot because it’s so WEIRD.

Modern bridezillas like this pair will stop at nothing in their quest for a royal show‑off’s send-off.

Really? Nothing? Obviously they’ll stop at lots of things, probably most heinous crimes. But who cares, let’s just string together any old bunch of words into a sentence in an article to make it sound like they’re both evil and mental.

Why couldn’t they just have gotten hitched in Las Vegas like normal, lazy people?

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