Mental Pills by Smack

Some pills, yesterday

Women. Pfft! Half of the sodding world going around with a volatile reproductive system, causing them to bleed and moan and get all angry and emotional every month. You can’t even have a go at them because they’ve got a convenient excuse by way of menstruation. Shedding of womb lining gives them the opportunity to gorge themselves on chocolate, skip swimming in P.E., cry over a particularly heart-wrenching John Lewis advert without feeling ridiculous and, most importantly, scream and generally be mental at their long-suffering menfolk. Seriously, if I wasn’t one of those women-types myself, I’d be looking to appropriate a womb because they sound totally brilliant.

 But as if that wasn’t enough, we’ve got another reason to praise our lack of Y chromosome –  if you’re on the contraceptive pill, it’s not your fault if you are jealous in your relationship. Yes that’s right, actual scientists have confirmed that,

 sex hormones in the contraceptive Pill bring out the green-eyed monster, making a woman more possessive and more likely to fret about her husband or boyfriend’s fidelity.

 Clearly lesbian relationships are unaffected, but Daily Mail thinks homosexuality is disgusting and ruining the country anyway so no need to pretend it exists on the same level as good old heterosexuality.

 Those taking brands with the highest levels of oestrogen may even find their hormone-driven suspicions place their relationship in jeopardy, researchers warned.

 Whoa, is this an actual warning being given by medical professionals? It must be serious. I wonder what sort of experiments and psychological testing they did to come to this conclusion.
 

Licence to Pill

Working with Dutch psychologists, Stirling University’s Dr Craig Roberts asked 275 women a series of questions designed to gauge how much they trusted their partner.

 Topics covered included how they feel when their other half flirts with another woman, whether they were worried that he would leave them for another woman and how possessive they were.

Presumably the women they questioned who weren’t on the Pill all said they were totally fine with their men flirting with other women and had never had a moment of doubt about their relationships whereas the women that were on the Pill all exuded jealousy bordering on psychopathic.

The Pill is also responsible for loads of other cool stuff – what sort of lads we like, how gigantic our brains can become and how well we smell.

 Several areas of the brains of women taking the Pill were larger than the brains of those not taking the contraceptive, the journal Brain Research reported.

I don’t know about you, but Brain Research sounds amazing. I love a publication that doesn’t faff about with mincy titles. But back to smelling. Women beware!

With research suggesting we use our noses to help sniff out a suitable partner, he fears the Pill could lead women to hook up with the wrong sorts.

 Oh God, what sort of wrong? Rapists, yeah? Awful murdering paedophiles? Daily Sport readers?  

Dude looks like a lady

 Studies have also concluded that the Pill makes women broody and that its hormones suppress interest in masculine men – making boyish males seem more attractive. If the theory is right, it could at least partly explain the shifting in tastes from macho 1950s and 1960s stars such as Kirk Douglas and Sean Connery to the more androgenous leading men of today, such as Johnny Depp and Zac Efron.

 Ah yes, Zac Efron, definitely a “wrong sort” you don’t want to “hook up with”. I know my mother would be gutted if I came home with a handsome, successful, rich Hollywood star. He does look a bit poofy though, so maybe that’s what DM is getting at. Maybe it’s just my period-addled brain making me think this, but Johnny Depp and Zac Efron may not have the craggy charm of Kirk Douglas and Sean Connery but they hardly look androgynous.

So if you see red when a fellow female posts a semi colon followed by a closed bracket on your boyfriend’s Facebook wall, don’t worry. It’s just the Pill talking, you crazy psycho bitch.

Comments

1. Rosie Jones says:

   March 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm

   Why would a lesbian need to take the pill anyway..?

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