Following the obligatory very fast editing of all the mayhem that ensued last night, Dermot wanders out to some bizarre Eurobeat to remind us that people have been pouring money into Simon’s bank account – sorry, VOTING – in the only voting event that the nation really cares about.

The special guests tonight are Diana Vickers off of a couple of years ago (no shoes? stupid honking goose like voice? No?) and Katy Perry who presumably had it written into her contract that in exchange for having to sit through auditions, she could have a prime time advert for her up coming world tour.

The Glee-esque mimeathon this week sucks the life out of ‘Telephone’. Of course Cher does some sort of approximation of ‘rapping’ accompanied by her rickets dancing and Aiden looks like he’s contemplating how to get around the fact that nuisance calls are illegal in order to continue his stalking efforts.

During the recap of the Important Voting Numbers and the warbling of last night, we learn nothing we didn’t already know apart from the fact that John Adelezzzzzzzzzzzzzz apparently gave 150%. Who could’ve guessed that?

Another fact we learn tonight (don’t say X Factor isn’t edumacational) is that apparently Diana Vickers had a number one single and album. Again, who knew? Interestingly she’s singing the song that she might be being sued over seeing as she has rather blatantly sampled ‘Under The Bridge’. There’s girls in a cage and drummers and acrobats and lots of “A-WOOOO!” and it’s all a bit confusing. I spend most of her performance trying to work out who else out of the past they’re going to bring back. They’ll be wheeling out Steve Brookstein at this rate. And Andy The Binman.

Next then, Katy Perry. The overly dramatic FACTS are significantly more impressive than poor Diana’s. Can’t remember any of them though because I am mesmerised by her unitard. That’s right – UNITARD. With GLITTER. And a SPARKLER. Because she’s singing about fireworks. This could be a public safety announcement for all the sense it makes. Her running on the spot means she gets a bit out of breath and subsequently forgets to sing in tune and how to breathe properly. It doesn’t matter though – her dancers have fireworks coming out of their hands and she’s pretty which is obviously a useful distraction tool.

And so – dun, dun, DUUUUUNNNN – Dermot solemnly informs us that voting has stopped and he’s going to announce the results. Right minded people across the country hope that the people that actually vote have understood how awful Katie is and how awesome Wagner is. Sadly, it seems these people cannot be relied upon to perform their civic duty. In an amazing turn of events, Katie and John are the first names to be called safe by Dermot. Katie forgets her fake humility by screaming “Yes I’ve done it!” obviously meaning she pulled off the con this week. What. A. Bitch. Dermot keeps calling names but still we have not heard what we want to hear – WAGNER!

It’s ok though, Wagner is safe. I repeat, WAGNER IS SAFE. Which leaves us with Diva Fever, Storm and Belle Amie in the bottom 3. Storm got the lowest number of votes and so is out straight away, fulfilling the destiny of the first act on to be the first act out. Of course he insists we haven’t seen the best of him yet. He’s right – Dermot hasn’t introduced his best bits montage yet. Once that’s done with, Storm will disappear into the ether that is the Daybreak sofa tomorrow morning, never to be seen again.

So, Diva Fever sing first. Guess what they sing? Go on. You’d NEVER guess in a million years. That gay anthem I Will Survive you say? Oh, right, yes they did. But they look like they’re thoroughly enjoying it and actually show that they can sing and perform entertainingly without all the over the top campness Simon seems to think they should have.

Compare and contrast to Belle Amie who sing a song I initially think is by The Saturdays but am then informed it’s actually by Fergie. The Black Eyed Pea not the Ginger Duchess. They sing it with all the enthusiasm of a girl who’s been dumped for Katie. Which in effect, they have. It’s rubbish.

During the break Simon has his minions point out to Louis, Cheryl and Dannii that they’re contractually obliged to do as he says and not put him in a position where he has to choose between his acts and that girl bands are easier for him to manipulate – sorry, SUCCESSFULLY MANAGE – than two outrageous divas. And so, with a predictability that saddens the heart, the fun is sucked out as the other judges do as they’re told. Gloriously, Diva Fever firmly pin the blame on Simon and tell them somewhat ominously that he owes them. Expect to see them touring the gay club circuit from next week.

So next week. We still have Wagner, who has promised us something even more amazing. We still have all the others that we don’t particularly care about. We still have to sit through Cher trying to be ‘street’ and we still have to deal with Katie being a smug wench. Marvellous.

Comments

1. house47 says:

   October 18, 2010 at 1:48 pm

   http://www.cafepress.co.uk/wagnerFTW.477021570 I’ve ordered myself one of these hoodies “Myth, Legend, Hero” LOL admit it, you want one don’t you?!! Love Wagner, I want to see him win, would LOVE to see the look on Simon’s smarmy face if Wagner wins the exclusive recording contract – Brilliant, Wagner FTW!!!

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