Are. You. Ready. To Face. The. MUSIC?!?!?

Well, are you? People are FIGHTING for your interest to be piqued enough to turn into liquid gold for Simon. I mean votes. Unfortunately not literally or indeed to the death. They should do though – Wagner’s got a freaking lion, he would totally win then.

This week apparently is Heroes week. What this may mean is everyone sings/murders Hero by Mariah Carey. But no, apparently it means they can sing whatever the fuck they want.

Storm is up first, dragging the corpse of Bruce Springsteen on stage with him to trample on while he “performs” Born To Run. Storm seems to think that wearing pleather trousers and a sequin jacket whilst being horrendously out of tune is a good tribute to his hero. Or as Simon puts it, embodying Louis’ vision of what a rock star should look like. Hint: Louis brought us Boyzone and Westlife, the complete antithesis of Iron Maiden and Led Zeppelin. Storm seems to think he’s like Bono. He is, just not in the way he thinks he is.

TreyC seems to think that being Mary in the nativity at school qualifies her to be a STAR. I was Mary in the nativity at school too but somehow I did not make that connection… TreyC also seems to think it qualifies her to sing ‘Purple Rain’. Or rather yell the words purple rain louder than anything has been yelled before. A cutaway to the judges sees Simon look visibly shocked as his eardrums finally explode. Louis says she reminds him of Tina Turner causing someone in the audience to yell even louder than TreyC.

Now we have Paije/Page/Paydge/whatever. He was in a school play too. This may also be a theme this week. “I was really unpopular at school so I was in the play to try and become popular and now I’m still needy so I’m prepared to go on X Factor and sell my soul to be popular. LOVE MEEEEEEE”. Paije has also been told he needs to shift some fat. Only it was worded in a slightly less brutal way. Anyway, he’s chosen Alicia Keys to be his hero. There’s not really a lot to say about it other than he was wearing a polka dot jacket.

BieberLites are up next. Oh yeah, one of them was in a school production too. Because they are all 12 and know NOTHING about music, Simon has told them that his American Idol protege Kelly Clarkson is their musical hero. There is nothing I can say about them apart from “blahblahblahblahOMGILIKETOTESLUV1DIRECTION!!!!1111!!!!ELEVENTY!” because they seemingly turn everyone into a screaming tween girl and we all know how good their musical judgment is.

Cher and her cholita eyebrows of doom are up next. Cher went one better on the school story by telling us she entered talent contests too. Not telling us whether she won or not though which means not. Cheryl obviously learnt from Wagner’s genius last week so Cher has to do what I believe the kids on the street call a mash up. Except she seems to have Annie as her musical hero. That’s not very street is it now? I won’t even go into what she’s wearing. It made me stab chopsticks in my eyes. You can tell she’s trying too hard because she caused Louis to say swagger. It was as unnaturally uncomfortable as you imagine.

John Adewalzzzzzzzzz trumps Cher’s talent contests by WRITING his own song on the theme of a Great Wall Of Fire. I don’t know what this means. I don’t even know the song that he’s singing now. I may have fallen asleep.

After ANOTHER ad break, Diva Fever. Who pretend that dancing on a stage with backing dancers is a novelty. I’m sure I’ve danced with them at the local gay club – it can’t be that much of a novelty. They sing that bizarre Barbra Streisand song that isn’t actually by Barbra Streisand but namechecks her but then they throw in references to gaycons such as Judy Garland. And Louis. And themselves. Which is a little premature. It’s a bit fabulous but not as fabulous as it could’ve been which is disappointing.

Now Rebecca who’s really shy but always wanted to be a singer but got knocked up instead. Of course she’s singing Feeling Good. But the Muse arrangement of it to make it “modern” and “edgy” and “divalicious”. She continues Grace Woodward’s obsession with the 80s by dressing as a purple version of one of Robert Palmer’s wimmin in that video what he did. Louis sounds surprised that she’s a bit classy AND from Liverpool.

Freaky eyed Aiden is going to sing a John Lennon song. Instead of being obvious and picking Imagine, they stick with the crazy eyed stalker/potential killer theme and make him sing Jealous Guy. I say sing. He kinda screeches and yelps his way through it. He ain’t no Bryan Ferry. And he hasn’t tucked his shirt in properly. At least he admits to being rubbish. Louis rambles something about posters. Everyone looks at him like he’s mental.

We have more ads to get ourselves ready for the wall of SHEER AWESOME that is Wagner. Wagner had his own karate thing. Wagner Karate. And he’s singing Help Yourself by Tom Jones. I bloody love Tom Jones. It’s not quite as crazily awesome as last week but it is still the best thing you will see all week. He is so sexually powerful that the dancers are groping themselves again. Oh god, imagine if him and Tom Jones performed together in that week where they get the actual stars in for a duet? IMAGINE IT! It’s beyond human comprehension of what amazing can be.

Hoping that our excitement and good mood rubs off on others, they sneak in Katie. She spends most of her VT boohooing about how no one likes her. They’ve obviously thought about stripping away all the gimmicky crap so we’re left with smaller false eyelashes, a Hoxton Twat interpretation of a sophisticated updo, fake humility. Sadly she can almost sing, it’s just a shame she’s just so objectionable as a human being.

We have to suffer Belle Amie next. Seems they may have done school productions but they were dull compared to all of them thinking they should be the lead singer. They decide to tackle it by doing a cracked out Britneyfied version of You Really Got Me by The Kinks. And one of them forgetting their skirt/trousers and wearing sequin pants over their tights. And doing something really weird and wrong with their eyeliner in the mistaken belief it looks “retro”. Simon tries to crank up the time machine some more by invoking Girl Power. It’s all a bit wrong and will inevitably end in tears.

Tesco Mary, who may or may not be getting it on with Wagner, feels like she’s getting married to the X Factor. Huh. Obviously she belts out You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me in the manner of your aunt at a wedding who’s had one too many sherries and has pushed the main wedding singer off the stage, slurring that this is her dream if she hadn’t have married that fecker. When she’s finished, she flashes a bit of her bra – leopard print. You know what that means? Business Time for Wagner. Awwww yeah.

Matt In The Hat is last. He’s taking a risk this week apparently. Most people think it’s because he has to sing a high note. We know it’s because he’s taking his hat off. And because he and Dannii think Bruno Mars is a musical hero. Oh you don’t know who he is either? He’s that bloke that sings that song about how amazing a girl is or something. You know. That one. Him. It could’ve been good but I’m afraid I was so distracted by his hair that I didn’t actually hear anything. We now know why he wears the hat all the time. He should be literally surgically attached to it.

And so that’s it. Because there’s clearly too many people to have one eviction a week and still have three finalists by Christmas, there’s another double eviction tomorrow. So long as one of them isn’t Wagner, I don’t care who goes or stays.

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