Cox and Cheating Cocks by Smack

There are some pretty awful people in this world – murderers, rapists, people who write for the Daily Mail, people who read the Daily Mail, people who write about the Daily Mail. I could go on, and I will in my own time, but you get the idea. But there is none so awful as a particular breed of bastard. An absolute fucking disgrace of a human being who ruins marriages, lives and the ability to enjoy oneself in a restaurant. This fucker is the Waitress. We’ve all seen them, unashamedly earning an honest wage, serving food, taking orders and abuse and wiping down tables like the absolute horrors that they are.

To add to this repertoire of cuntishness, Liz Jones has discovered that these creatures of hell are also responsible for ruining the marriages of the wealthy and beautiful after news emerged that David Arquette cheated on wife Courteney Cox with a common whore. I mean waitress. In case you don’t know what either of them look like we’re provided with some unbiased descriptions.

Arquette – “looks as though he grew up on a diet of nachos”, Cox – “an American size six, has a perfectly symmetrical face”. How could a man who looks like he has only consumed Mexican corn-based foods since birth cheat on a woman whose face you could half with a mirror and it wouldn’t look weird?

(L) Symmetrical (R)Non-symmetrical

And he’s not the only one to have succumbed to the sexy, wanton food-serving ways of the waitress. There are others!

Jude Law, Tiger Woods, George Clooney and Cristiano Ronaldo have all dated, for want of a better word, women who wait tables for a living. Ironically, Courteney’s old co-star, David Schwimmer, has just married a woman he met when she was working as a cocktail waitress.

Men! With money and careers and attractive women in their lives! Cheating! Clearly a brand new craze has swept the world because this sort of thing has never happened before. And is it really “ironic” that David Schwimmer has married a woman who used to be a cocktail waitress? Isn’t it just an event in the life of a man who used to work with Courteney Cox? So why do these rich stupid bastards do it?

Is it the uniform? Does the apron remind them of their mothers? Is it the fact these women bring them food, and drink, and wipe up after them? Is a pencil behind the ear simply irresistible — or could it be the short skirts?

Whatever the unique allure of the waitress, yet another married man has succumbed to her minimum-wage-fuelled charms.

She makes it sound like this is the sort of waitress who is likely to serve you in your average city centre restaurant:

When the reality is more likely to be this:

Just a regular female human, wearing hygienic clothing and doing her job. It’s definitely her fault if a married man wants to have sex with her.

Not that there is anything wrong with this profession, it is just that this intermingling of very different DNA is indicative of a wider social trend, of a malaise among men both famous and not so famous.

Oh wait, she doesn’t hate waitresses. She just thinks they have different DNA from the rest of us and are therefore not human. That’s okay then.

So a married man has cheated on his attractive wealthy wife. A shitty thing to do. But why do they all do it, those fucking bastards?
In Arquette’s case, it was because he had not had sex with his wife for several months.

She is seven years older than he is, and had reportedly grown tired of acting ‘like his mother’; this is a role men will manipulate you into with their sheer hopelessness — ‘Where are my trainers?’ ‘What airport are we flying from?’ ‘Have you packed my Pokemon?’ — then resent you for. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Have you packed my Pokemon? I literally can’t think of a more stupid example of a man being hopeless. Why would he want a Pokemon packed? It’s not 1999. Which Pokemon out of the 151 characters is it? Is it a soft toy? The Game Boy game? A trading card? I want an explanation as to what this bizarre example is referring to. It’s Pokémon actually. Oh God, what was the point here again? Men cheat on women who don’t pack their late 90s video game-based franchise characters?

Oh no wait, here comes the point:

The women these men cheat with are never as funny, or as clever, or as well dressed as their wives. But they are more compliant, and that’s the key. They coo and they simper.

The truth is that men are often uncomfortable around women who are clever or rich of successful.

The typo is courtesy of the Mail, feel free to send them smug abuse. So yes, we have concluded that all men hate the intelligent women they marry because it makes them feel insecure. So they sleep with waitresses because all waitresses are thick. Just the sort of sweeping generalisations we expect from the Daily Mail. And so another day passes.

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