The Apprentice 2010: Episode 2 by shoutingatco.ws
Last week on The Apprentice: Sizzling bangers, Stuart Baggs and serious bollockings!
The teams are up at 5.30am to head to Heathrow Airport. The never-explained early start means there’s no chance of Lord Alan dragging himself out of bed, and true to form, he’s got “pressing business” that prevents him from showing up.
Raleigh had to get on his bike, as his brother was injured in Afghanistan, and has departed the show. Brilliantly, the BBC stuck this on their news page today, rather than 18 months ago when it happened. “Man injured in explosion! Watch those wacky guys on The Apprentice!”
Stella is pushed across to the boys’ team, as they’re down by two after Dan’s firing. Laura, who is 33% Linda Lusardi, 33% hamster and 33% Jocelyn Wildenstein, heads up the girls.
Their task is to invent a new beach product, which will be prototyped ready for a demonstration in front of three retailers.
Andrew Collings lookalike Shibby decides that a hand on a stick that you can use to apply lotion would be a great idea. Presumably something he thought up while playing on his Fleshlight. The boys soon decide on a towel with built in pillow, water-cooler and safe-place for your keys. It’s waterproof, ziplocked, fireproof, bombproof and if you lose it, IT WILL WALK BACK TO YOUR HOUSE. Jamie is very excited by it, warning that he’s like a “Champagne bottle that will explode if I don’t get it out of my system.” Imagine it. Just imagine it.
Apollo don’t bother deciding on a product, they just bicker and talk over each other again and again. Joanna has a terrible idea for a frame to support a book, so you can read on the beach. Laura dismisses it immediately, because it would blow over, doesn’t work with hard-backs, requires you to lift the book every time you want to turn the page… no chance they’ll end up using that one.
To help Apollo out, three of them go to the beach and mention the rubbish book idea to some volleyballists. They don’t like it, so they eat chips and come home again. The rest of the team just bicker and cluck.
Like a bunch of fucking students, they leave it until the last minute and after Laura runs away and cries, like a proper leader, they go for the book stand.
With the ideas sorted, it’s time for Alex, Chris and Christopher to turn into the seediest, creepiest little wankers that they possibly could be. See, Stella – if the name and the tits didn’t give it away – is a woman. So they decide that she will be the bikini model for their poster. She’s not keen, despite being asked to “take one for the team”, so the boys do the right thing.
They go bikini shopping. This scene genuinely includes the words “tassles” and “slutty”. After an hour of picking one out, Stella finally gives in and agrees to do it to help them win. As it happens, the outfit is about as revealing as a three-piece suit, so all their mental masturbation was wasted.
The girls continue to bicker.
The Book-eeze arrives, and as the name implies, it’s a pain to put together. Actually, it’s not that bad – they just turn into raging idiots that don’t understand their own instructions. And then the book doesn’t sit properly.
On the boys’ team, they’ve come up with a name: The Cüüli. You know, the “u” with the “little dots” over it. They look like “smiley faces”. Umlauts, you fucking berk.
Serial twat Chris practises the pitch, but he’s as stilted and convincing as an Eastern European girl in a brothel pretending she really does fancy you. Stella tells him she doesn’t think it’s good enough, and that she wants to give the pitch to Jamie. Teacher’s pet, Jamie. Chris rejects her idea, and does the pitch anyway. In his little interview segment, Chris reveals a level of self-confidence that is as unwarranted as it is unsurprising.
Melissa is to deliver the girls’ pitch. She gets on our bad side by saying “end-user”, instead of, y’know, person. I once worked in a building where the reception had a sign that warned you should clearly mark the “end user” on all internal mail. Person. They’re a fucking person. Oh, and she says “applicability”. Later, she says “comfortability”. She’s a twatability.
It's got our name on it
Chris’ pitches go as badly as the practice. He delights in telling boring, mundane stories: “He’s walking along the beach and then he feels a bit tired, so he has a lie down and then he wants a drink so he sits up and he opens the pillow and he picks up the water and he opens the water and he drinks the water.” It’s like Enid Blyton never went away.
He describes the product as stylish and cool, which is instantly and completely rebutted by the lady from Boots. He keeps muttering away to World Duty Free, too, who only seem impressed when Jamie (Tesco Value Vin Diesel) comes in and storms the Q&A. Whattaguy.
Chris’ final crime is saying – with a straight face, in front of real people – “the age of the beach towel is dead”. RIP that era, yeah? What a dynasty that was.
Apollo change their pitch at the last minute, in the car, and argue some more for good measure. Melissa’s pitches are flat, boring and full of words like COMFORTABILITY. What’s wrong with just saying comfort, you weird Lady Gaga-a-like?
RIP in Peace
Lord Al is impressed with the Cüüli, calling it a “Swiss Army Pillow”. No, Al, it’s just a pillow. You can put stuff in any pillow. It’s not that special.
Laura literally had two heads on her at one point, which isn’t that interesting or funny, but she’s a tit and we don’t like her, okay?
Joy is too terrified to speak. Again.
The breakdown of sales is something like this: The boys got 100 from Kit To Fit, and, er, that’s it. For both teams. Zero sales of their rubbish, last minute idea. It’s a first for The Apprentice. If Boots had gotten exclusivity, then they’d have put in an order – presumably for more than 100 – so it’s entirely Laura’s bad management decision that cost them the task.
There’s universal hate for the product. Even from Joanna, who designed it in the first place – a fact that she wanted to be made completely clear when she thought they might win the task.
Joy gets slated by Joanna for not talking. Joy starts talking, and slates Joanna for being too aggressive. Oops.
Laura is bringing back Sandeesh and Joanna, but then realises she’ll have to justify it, and swaps Sandeesh for Joy. So that’s Laura bringing back Joanna and Joy. This is punctuated by the sound of seven cackling harpies, talking over each other, giving it all “I’m sorry, but…” and “You say that, but…” and “at the end of the day…”
Alan thinks it’s ahhrayjus, and Karren is similarrly unimprressed.
Eight seconds into the boardroom, and Joy’s eyes well up with tears. All they talk about is how rubbish the product is, and blame each other for that. They don’t even mention that Boots liked it and would have bought it if Laura hadn’t screwed up. Laura says that she wants to “re-reliterate again”, and she does, too.
Joanna finds out that the others think she’s a wind-up merchant, and so she cries. They still don’t mention the exclusivity. TALK ABOUT IT! IT MIGHT SAVE YOU!
Joy says that she chose the gourmet sausages last week. Brilliant. Compelling case.
Back at the house, Chris asks about the exclusivity (yay!), and speculates that Laura should go because of that.
She doesn’t. Joy’s fired for being rubbish and trying to hide away, showing just how arbitrary the firings are. Joy was really fired for being boring and a bit weird, while Laura got to stay on because she’s really shit and cries a lot, and that’s entertaining.
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