Another night, another hour of X Factor. After last night’s sing-a-thon, it’s time to eke out more last-minute votes from desperate idiots who think they can make a difference.

Usher and Joe McElderry will be singing live. Dermot is here. Dannii and Cheryl are here.

We open with a Glee-inspired group version of Rhythm of the Night. Highlights include a seemingly drunk Wagner laughing at his own rubbish attempts to execute the choreography, and one of the 12-year-olds in One Direction missing a handful of cues.

It’s the first of the recaps of all the acts from last night – the sort of two minute compilation that serves as a more than adequate replacement for actually watching the Saturday show.

My girlfriend tries to vote for Wagner, but I remind her that I pay the phone bill, so she has to ask my permission. I enjoy this moment of power until she digs out 35p in change and votes anyway.

Usher sings OMG, a masterpiece of autotune and a neon stripper pole. Despite wearing sunglasses that should make him look like a berk, Usher is inherently cool. Dermot convinces him to throw his sweaty towel into the crowd, which they reach for and grab at like it contains liquid gold. What are they going to do with it, that girl who clawed her friends out of the way to snatch it from the air? Sit it in their bedroom and look at it, while it smells and goes manky? Result!

Cruelly, they put Wee Joe McElderry up straight afterwards, styling him like John Travolta in Grease. His camp-pop number is tame after Usher. He still receives a standing ovation, and gets picked up by Wee Dermot O’Leary.

Tonight! Two! Acts will! Be leaving! The competition! But first: More padding. 30 minutes so far, and just two songs performed.

An advert comes on for Robbie Williams’ Greatest Hits, celebrating 20 years of singles. Except that his first hit was in November 1991, not even 19 years ago. We’ve caught your cynical marketing out, evil record company.

The acts are out. The one with the lowest votes automagically goes home, and the other two have a sing-off. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, the names are read out. Dermot is as good as Davina at stringing out suspense, operating at about three words an hour.

As soon as we know Wagner and Mary are through, we stop worrying. Listen out for Dermot pronouncing One Direction as “wand erection”. Just cos they look like Harry Potter, D…

The bottom 3: Katie, Nicolo and FYD. We’re hopeful that Katie is bottom, and only got one vote. Unfortunately, it’s Nicolo. “Oh no, but he’s attractive”, whines a voice from across on my sofa.

“How do you feel?” asks Dermot, as though there’s going to be any answer other than the amazingly honest: “I feel… like crap.”

The obligatory video package follows his departure, which is padded with lots of audition footage, as there’s nothing really to show from the live shows. It gives the impression that he was just a roadie that somehow wandered onto the stage by mistake.

To the sing-off, then. Two acts we didn’t like yesterday, singing again. What a treat.

FYD are quite good, definitely better at dancing than singing – perhaps an audition for Strictly next year. They’re not amazing though, and definitely not as good as last night.

Katie’s ditched the wacky gimmick, and looks as normal as she can, singing completely straight without any mad pianos, crazy dresses made out of human ears or a horrific face. Apart from the last one.

Simon backs his own act, FYD, to stay. Cheryl does the same for Katie. Dannii drags out her decision, but backs Katie. Who will Louis pick? The girl, or the five boys? Bizarrely, he picks FYD to go. He thinks Katie will grow.

FYD get a wee interview, but the show’s running late after Louis and Dannii dragging out their decisions – very tough choices, you know – and Dermot snatches the mic away to show their best bits. Simon has nice things to say about FYD and Nicolo.

Next Saturday! 14 Acts! Diana Vickers! Katy Perry! Bloody hell: Perry, Vickers, Cole, Minogue AND O’Leary on the same show. That’ll be a pile of wank.

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