We love the Daily Mail: The way they expertly deride, comment on and critcise any celebrity that dares leave their home.
James Corden – you may have seen him on the telly – is fat. So when he bowls out for a takeaway, it’s lucky that the Mail is there to say “Let’s hope he’s sharing that!”
Well done to journo Jessica Satherley for curling that particular article out. Your parents must be proud when they see your byline above generic, batch written celebrity tat.
Once you’re in the public eye (which means “have been on telly or in the news, no matter how briefly, or how long ago”), you’re fair game for commentary on anything you do, ever.
It’s this sort of hard-hitting investigative journalism that sees a photographer sitting outside Kelly Osbourne’s house, waiting for her to, er, go to a parade where she’ll be, um, parading around for the cameras. Still, without this guy’s dilligence, we’d never know that “Kelly Osbourne has another slimming secret- control pants.”
With loads of pictures, including a creepy close up of her thigh, just in case you can’t imagine (and why would you want to?) what these pants look like. Slightly manky cycling-shorts.
Today’s Mail contains two contrasting articles.
Well done Lizzie Smith for dropping this one out of her rectum. At least Ditto wants to be photographed (constantly). So, size 28 girl in fishnets wanders up and down on a catwalk. Cue jokes about “whalenets”, pointing out how unhealthy she is, that her BMI is almost double the safe amount, that she has her own gravitational pull etc. Right?
“she proved a natural as she strutted and saluted”
“While at first glance she might make an unusual model, Beth recently said: ‘If anyone understands what it’s like to be a woman who’s subjected to body politics, it’s a f****** model.’”
The tone is clear: She’s fat, she’s sassy, and she doesn’t give a shit. It’s unnervingly pro-Ditto.
As GQ writer Alex Blimes says:
“The fact that Beth Ditto is morbidly obese, and therefore arguably just as bad an example to young women as a girl ten stone lighter than her, seems to have escaped [the fashion industry’s] notice.”
Compare with this headline:California girth: Katy Perry’s skin-tight silver dress clings in all the wrong places
You know Katy Perry, right? Sexy, juggy, pure-filth-in-a-dress Katy Perry. She’s fat. Gross. The fat, disgusting piggy bitch. Let’s arrange a pitchfork mob to stand outside her house and throw turds at her so that she can’t go to Tesco to stock up on butter.
The article is written by the ubiquitous “Daily Mail Reporter”, as nobody is brave enough to stand up and take the credit.
“The 25-year-old star took to the stage in a skin-tight silver rubber dress, which clung in all the wrong places.”
“The usually immaculate Katy Perry was looking a little curvier than usual during a concert in Budapest, Hungary, last night.”
“Trick of the light? The outfit clung in all the wrong places”
Does she look fat? God no. She looks fucking gormless, but not fat.
Somebody out there got paid actual money to write this. That’s their job. They get up, they churn out 500 words of shit based around a couple of photos of Katy Perry, then a couple more criticising – oh, to pick a couple of examples at random:
Do they really hold these opinions? Probably not. They’re achieving two goals:
Firstly, they make middle-aged, middle-class, overweight women feel better that even Katy Perry can look gross, and that Beth Ditto can look hot.
And they can gain a load of web traffic from people pointing out what fucking idiots they are on blogs, Twitter and message boards across the Internet. Clearly I’ve been sucked into this like the idiot that I am, beaten by the Prolls.