“Are you my daddy?” were the words a friend sleepily heard as he dozed at a one night stand’s house. He wasn’t, and he never saw the girl – or her curious and confused son – again.

The term MILF first came into popular usage through late 90s teen-comedy American Pie, and as you all know, stands for Mom I’d Like to Fuck. MILTF doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily. In the film, one of the teenage characters has a hot mother, which causes two guys to fall into a trance and chant “MILF” over and over.

It was the spark for a couple of songs where young guys pretended to want to screw old women: Busted’s “What I Go To School For” and Fountains Of Wayne’s “Stacy’s Mom” to name the only two we can remember.

My issue with the term MILF is that people are taking it too literally.

We are gonna call him WKD

Oh Britney you are so lovely and mental


Take your average 16 year old, got a bit pissed on cider and ended up having instantly regrettable sex with a spotty lad in a tracksuit, rolling around in the mud behind a Scout hut for 30 unpleasant seconds before he comes. 9 months later, when she’s wheeling a pushchair round town and trying to smoke away from the baby’s face, is she a MILF – just because she’s got a cunt like a hanging basket? Can a girl younger than you really be a MILF?

Britney Spears isn’t a MILF. I mean, I’d happily take her home and disappoint her, but she’s young and hot and everything. Just because she’s popped a couple of babies out, that doesn’t change anything. Does it? Oh God, does it? She’s more of a Yummy Mummy, an expression that only exists because it rhymes. Nothing else gets called yummy.

How about Helen Mirren. Pretty foxy for her age, but she never bothered to pop out a baby. Is she less of a MILF than Britters?

So many questions, but here are, definitively, the MILF rules.

  1. She must be old enough to be your mother
  2. She must be at least 40
  3. You must want to fuck her

Autism factory Wikipedia has a helpful list of the multitude of words for relationships that cross the generational boundary. Jesus, that sounds creepy. Almost all of them are, inevitably, bollocks. Nobody is saying “yeah, he’s such a manther.” (“A what? Is that short for Samantha?”)

Cake? You haven’t given him any cake.

Pretty much if you’re going out with someone who’s not a similar age to you, it’s kind of creepy. Especially shit like this couple. What the hell did they talk about or even slightly have in common? Of course, the Anna Nicole material has been done to death (much like Anna Nicole herself), but the point stands: Don’t be creepy. Especially about MILFs.